Lately, I have been walking 3 or 4 miles almost every day if I don't work 13 hours. I have enjoyed it immensely. I listen to music on my phone and stop and take pictures when something catches my eye. It has been so soothing and healing to be able to do that. Sometimes, I start an hour before I need to go walk talking myself into it. I know I need to go and enjoy it so much but I want to sit down and melt into my chair. Often times, I don't want to be stopped or talked to. I'm in a mode and want to be in that place until my legs can't take it.
I have seen such beauty on my walks. I have overcome my weird fear of cud-zoo. I cannot stand the thoughts of that stuff overpowering yards, gardens and reaching up and grabbing my legs as I walk by. Oooh! It gives me the creeps. One day on my walk, I walked by an area covered in the stuff. The sun was setting between two huge trees that the cud-zoo had covered and was draping down them like curtains. You could see where bushes and trees were but they now had the covering of this plant. In the huge mass of the cud-zoo there was a path. The cud-zoo was still there just pressed down from the wheels and feet that had went over that place many times.
It was such a beautiful sight. Almost breathtaking when looking at it through the window of my life. I feel like I am on that path. I am being overrun with work, kids, responsibilities that are usually shared, etc and I have to figure out how to muddle through. My path may not be clear and it may be covered with those responsibilities but it is winding its way through the curtain of my fears and everything that has been consuming me.
This beautiful scenery grabbed me and held my mind captive. It was a moment in time I captured on my phone, but it made an impression.
God has brought me through so much. If you talk to me or read my blog at all, you know that. I have just been so overwhelmed here lately. I am at my limit with my emotions, sleeplessness, loneliness, blame, hurt, tears. It has been all at once and way too much. My heart literally feels heavy. I go to bed most nights hoping it will be better by morning. I am so much stronger than I was, but have never felt weaker at this present moment. I feel like I am trying to run through water that is up to my chest. "It takes time." Yes, it does. Time and I just aren't on good terms right now.
You know that when you have a bad day, you try not to show it or admit to the turmoil in your mind. You paste on a smile and keep trudging along pretending like your feet are coated with cement and it is taking all the effort you have to just lift them. You tell people what you know you are supposed to say but not the truth in your heart. No, people don't want to be drug down but we also don't want to feel alone.
For the past couple years I have talked to a lot of people about a lot of things that I would have never thought I would have experience with. I have encouraged and rooted people on that I admired. Sometimes I cannot believe that I am the one giving the advice or encouragement. Those same people have picked up the pieces that represented their lives and/or marriages and made something beautiful from it. I have seen couples go from talking to a divorce attorney to being blissfully happy. I have seen scared lonely women, start talking marriage with "the one." I have watched some bloom where they were planted. I have seen some go for their dreams and accomplish them with gusto. On days like this, I wonder, why isn't it me doing those things? What purpose do I serve? Those who can't do, teach or advise. Does that describe me? It is troubling and scary to think that could be the truth. I would be honored if God continued to use me because of what I went through. I don't want that to be "all". Is that selfish? Am I Jonah saying I will do anything just to get my assignment and say, that's not what I thought you would say. I don't want to do that. Am I Moses getting impatient and striking out in anger instead of being patient and reaping my reward? Am I Eve desiring what I am not supposed have? Am I David shouting "Is there not a cause"? Am I Ruth loving, trusting and sacrificial? Am I broken but allowing God to make me beautiful? Who am I in this and who will I become?
These days I have where all seems lost and without purpose will pass. It is up to me to figure out who I am now and who I will be when this part of my journey is over. I'm not going to lie. I would rather be writing a blog about life after divorce and talking about the one I met and am going to be with for the rest of my days. For now, you and I will be sharing our ups and downs and ins and outs of this path we are on. I hope there is something here you can relate to. I pray that we both see that there is more to it than what we are feeling. Feelings aren't facts. This has been the journey of a lifetime. I pray this particular part is just a portion. My mask is off. I am not pretending to feel some way I am not or be someone I am not. I do not believe I have been that way in a long time. Like me or not. Agree or not. This is my journey. This is my struggle. There is no reason to pretend.
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