THIS IS ONLY THE BEGINNING
When our journey began, everything was exciting. We were unsure of where our path split off so we were very intent and careful, reading the map, looking for the blazes and teaching everyone what to look for on the way. The kids were prattling on about each little bug, flower and rock they saw. They felt like they were prepared for this trip. For a few weeks before, I had been walking 2-4 miles several times a week to try to prepare for the excursion. I felt like I was as prepared as I was going to be. Honestly, I was a little wary of the kids coming. Five miles is a long way for a kid. I was tired at the end of it, I couldn't imagine how a child with even shorter legs than mine would feel. I knew I would be in "mommy mode". I wouldn't be okay with listening to complaining or anything like that. This was my much needed getaway. I wanted it to go off without a hitch and them make it pleasant. They had been warned that this was my birthday trip and I invited them to come. Because of it being my weekend, there would be no fighting, whining or anything related to negativity. Period.
Obviously, I can be a talker. I didn't speak as much as I usually do. I was taking it all in: the company, the other conversations, the feeling of hiking up the ridge, the noises and smells. I was so excited about the trip when I first found out about it. There had been a lot going on in between then and the present that sent me into a funk. I didn't want to go. There had been forecasts of thunderstorms and who wants to get caught out in the middle of a thunderstorm with two kids in tow, in the middle of nowhere?
I wish I could adequately describe where my head was at the beginning of the trip. I had another big disappointment before our journey began and then a let down on top of it. It just hurt. I hurt. I wanted to be left alone to sulk and feel broken, abandoned, unloved, undesired and miserable. But, here I was at the beginning of a 5 mile adventure, listening to children prattle on and acting like they would be able to maintain a ridiculous pace the entire trip. We had went about 100 yards and I heard, "I'm hungry. Can I have a snack?" Yep. This is going to be interesting.
I was able to watch my mom and her husband on this trip. In a way, it hurt to see how happy they were. I was selfish in wishing I had that happiness. In another way, I continued to flash back to a time where I described the man mom would meet. She can tell you, I nailed it. He isn't perfect, but he is for her. He isn't my dad, but I seek his advice a lot. My kids and I hang on his every word. He is a balanced man and Christian. God has richly blessed our family when he brought my mom's husband into it. It brought me back to me, of course. We talked of the various people I have dated. Each having good qualities but none being exactly what I needed. I feel that it is possible to find someone that is my "match" I just haven't found him yet. Since cloning mom's husband isn't an option...I will have to continue on.
You know that I compare my life to a lot of the things that I see. Here we were on this trail, beginning a journey, armed with snacks, water, good shoes, light clothes and any necessities we would need that night. The kids felt like this would be like a walk in the trails by the park. Little did they know, there would be almost every kind of woodsy terrain you could think of. There were stone steps, bridges to cross, gravels, leaves, mud, wood walkways, roots and rocks. It was beautiful but there were some scraped legs, twisted ankles and stubbed toes before it was over. There were twists and turns, inclines and downgrades. It was a great trail and we had a really neat place to stay that night. It was peaceful and serene.
My heart still felt opened and kind of raw. My emotions were everywhere. That funk just had a tight grip on me. That night, I had a hard time sleeping. I hadn't really enjoyed the surroundings as much as I thought I would. I just had a longing in my heart that would not go away. The next day, my son was about to come out of his skin in anticipation of going back down. My daughter discovered she didn't like to hike. Her legs were in agreement with her. The trek down was very different. Mom had twisted her knee the day before and was not only stiff but in a lot of pain. She became a cross country skier and we were the commentators as she crossed "hurdles" and mile markers with the "tenacity" rarely seen". We made up stories and told funny stories on our way back. I still felt in a fog, but watching the kids respond to the interaction was intriguing. They voted me the best story teller. My ego needed that. My concern for mom overcame my concern for myself. I talked to her and tried to keep her distracted as well. It took us a little longer with a 5 mile hike the day before still lingering and an injury.
By the end of the trail, we were all feeling like we had been on the wagon train for months. It was great overall, but tired, didn't begin to cover it. I knew that as soon as we reached the cars again and grabbed a much needed bite to eat, I would be meeting the step-mom and my kids would be gone for another week. In a way, I was ready for solitary confinement, but in another way, somehow over the past 2 days, it felt like we were closer. The closer I got to the meeting place, the more the tears pooled in my eyes. I was almost to the sobbing point when we pulled into the parking lot.
After the dreaded drop off had taken place I had realized that I was in the town my dad used to pastor my senior year in high school. I decided I would take a walk down memory lane........
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