I struggle within myself often. I am my greatest critic. I am the one who tells myself I can do something and I also tell myself I can't. There is a struggle between what I know and what I feel. Lately, my struggle has been about my kid's other set of parents.
I have all the facts. I know both sides. I was there. No one knows better than me what took place for the last eleven years. The facts are that I know that history repeats itself. The way to ensure that you don't repeat it is to make sure you know the past, the mistakes made and by that you will know how to improve the future. When you do not see there is a problem, then you will repeat the problem in your ignorance.
There is never a time someone will know my kids better than I do. There is never a time when I will ask anyone permission to keep my own children on my own days. I know that, but the knowledge isn't as well known as I thought it should be.
My battle has been with the fact that I am away from my babies. I do not tuck them into bed every night. I cannot speak to them before they go to bed. I am not aloud that freedom. My heart hurts because of it. I am sleeping in my daughter's bed while she is away because I do not have a bed or a couch currently. I can smell her sent and almost feel her little hands wrap around my neck. I look over at Jayden's bed and can hear him giggle as he hears me telling them a story. Instead, the house is empty. The only sounds I hear are me. The only dishes I was are mine. The clothes that I have folded are mine. My week is coming, but for now, the house is quiet.
Today my children went to the dentist for the first time and I was not there. It may seem trivial to you but I have been there for everything. Every step, every word, every tear, I have been there. Do you know how hard it was for me to make myself be thankful that the step-mom took them? I have been working almost non-stop and do not have the time or the energy to do it right now. They have been needing to go for a while, I tell myself. I missed their reactions to all the different tools. I missed them looking at me for a smile and nod and telling them it's going to be okay. I missed the dentists run down on what shape their teeth are in. I'm struggling because I should not have missed anything. I'm so tired I want to cry (and as a general rule, I don't cry). My feet take about 2 hours every night to calm down enough for me to sleep. The injustice of it all, creates a struggle within.
My spirit has not been right for the past two days. There is so much I could say but can't. Honestly, it doesn't matter how I feel. The facts remain the same. The kids are fine. I don't agree with certain things and the scheduling need to be tweaked but ultimately they see both of their parents and are happy kids. There are two more people that can take care of them when I cannot. I can see the history that is yet to be made. That is why I cannot be angry at someone for being naive. At one time, I was naive too. I had people that were angry with me for my innocence. It would have been better for us both if they would have been patient with me and would have been there for me during the fallout.
I will do, and have always done, what is best for my kids. My spirit being in a good place and looking on the positive side of life is vital for them to see that. I will always be here. I will always be their mom, no matter who is in their life. I am irreplaceable. Decisions were made that I have had to live with the consequences of it. Decisions I made and some that were made for me. That is the facts. What I do with those facts are up to me. I could write post after post complaining in detail of the stuff I have been going through lately and have gone through in the past, but who wants to read more negativity? Everyone has something they are going through. Why not see the best side of it and worry about one thing less?
Every day and sometimes every hour I pray that I will see the better side of what I am going through. I am praying that I will have the guts to stand up for myself and not be bullied into decisions about the kids. I pray that my knees will be strong enough to pray for the ones who hurt me and the ones who help me. I pray I will be able to show my kids, with my actions, how to rise above and conquer the world with a good attitude and a smile. I won't always succeed but I will always try.
You may be having a similar struggle or just a struggle you could never voice. It is okay to question and feel the injustice. It is okay to acknowledge that the struggle is there. Just try to turn it into something good. Set the pattern with your actions for things in the future that will come. We cannot always be prepared for everything but our attitude and spirit being strong and right will give us the advantage that we need to overcome whatever comes our way!
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