Here lately I feel not just lonely, but totally alone. You know those days you call every friend in your contacts and everyone's too busy? Or you don't call because you don't want them to say they don't have time for you, even if you know it is for a very good reason. Very seldom in my life have I have admitted that I need someone to come keep me company or spend time with me. It seems when I do, no one is there. It hurts and makes me feel defective. I totally realize that my emotions being strung out over my kids, my jobs, my house, my bills, not being part of a team to help with the burdens, being away from family, etc is a big contributor to these emotions. I have the knowledge but the tears are at the ready. I HATE that. I hate being emotional. I hate feeling alone. I hate feeling insignificant. That is how I feel. I am working to pay bills, not to live, have adventures or even have something of my own. It feels bad. It feels useless. I keep wondering when I will feel complete again.
My emotions are raw. My eyes fill with tears at the most inopportune times. I want to hide but I can't. My heart feels like it's exposed and somehow I don't care right now. That part in me that lives to help people, fix problems and nurture my children is scrambling to fight off this wave of "blah-ness". I have come to term with the fact that these days and sometimes weeks will always be a part of my life. I have overcome a lot in my life, but sometimes I cannot keep this syndrome away. It's a bit of a "divorce hangover". You just don't have warning when it will come.
Some days, I feel like I HAVE GOT THIS!! I am amazing! I am strong! I am MOMMA hear me ROAR! Then, some days, I feel like: Don't look at me that way Mr. I know what you are thinking and you don't want a piece of me. I will break you like a PENCIL! Then, some days I want to be hugged and held so bad my body aches. My skin pricks at the thought of strong arms encircling me and a steady voice assuring me that everything is gonna be ok.
This is just how it is. I have to remind myself it doesn't make me weak, it makes me human. My friends are having babies, getting married, buying houses, getting promotions, new cars, etc and I am.... sitting here on a Saturday night is a deathly quiet house talking to...? My time is coming. I have to believe that or go crazy. Until then, I have to remind myself that I am never really alone. Sometimes it does feel like when I pray it hits the ceiling and goes no further. I remember reading about David sighing (in the Bible). It said that God heard his sighs. If God heard his sighs, why wouldn't He hear mine? Jesus knows how it feels to lose someone He loves. He experienced the ultimate rejection and died for it. I'm still breathing. It hurts to breathe sometimes, but I keep doing it. My feet refuse to move but they still work. My brain won't quit going on the track it is on, but eventually I will realize that lonely doesn't equal alone.
I am not part of a physical team, but I am a part of a Heavenly one. I cannot feel God's arms around me but it doesn't mean He isn't there. My tears may flow freely sometimes but he catches them and feels my pain. My sorrow will be turned to joy. This evil that I have seen, God may mean it for good. One day, these worries will be nothing but words on a page and a distance memory. Until then, let's remember together that we are never really alone.
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