WHEN THE HURT WON'T STOP

  You ever get one of those headaches that no matter how much medication you take, it is still there? It may have dulled a bit. It may still hurt for your head to touch the pillow. It just hurts. It isn't debilitating like it was and for that you are thankful, but it just won't go away. The hurt just doesn't stop.
  I have found that sometimes life can be that way. Sometimes the wound is healing. Sometimes the wound is just a bit of a scar where a gash used to be. Sometimes you feel those phantom pains where a part of you has been cut off. Sometimes everything hurts and what doesn't hurt makes you cry. When the hurt won't stop. Do you?
  When the nights come alive with voices and the darkness is too loud. When your bed is no longer a place to rest but becomes a battlefield in your nightmares that won't go away. When every time you step into your house it feels empty no matter who is there. When you enter and it doesn't smell like you and it never feels like home. When you live inside your computer because that is your only contact with the outside world and it is "safe". When you cringe when someone says "I've been where you are." When your kids don't understand the sacrifices you have made and are making for them and it all seems so lost. When they ask you for something you cannot give. When you smile and you forget what it feels like to smile and not tell your face what to do. When a laugh sneaks up on you and it sounds strange to your own ears. When the person you have become gets tired of fighting to be seen instead of who you were.When your family only knows what you tell them and you just want SOMEONE to see you and you not have to tell them what the problem is. When you see that look of pity in someone's eyes and it feels like a knife. When you want people to see where you are now but don't have the physical representation of it yet. When you get tired of trying to be a better person just for someone to tell you you aren't good enough. When you just hide from the world just because you feel like you won't be missed. When you hide from the world just because. When you need someone to recognize you have come so far.When you give your heart away just to get it broken. When someone remembers you before the pain came. When those times come, what will you do?
   You can say all day long you know how you will handle it. You can take anything you want to in account but NOTHING prepares you better for something except for the actual event. You can read as many parenting books as you want, like I did, but nothing prepared me for the sleep deprivation or the overwhelming love I feel for my babies.
  I was driving down the road the other day and heard this song. If you are going through anything that I listed or your own pain that won't quit. Here is this best thing that I KNOW will help and many times make it go away, guaranteed.

                                         http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e_4g8_e16dc
                    Copy and paste this in your browser and listen with an open heart and mind.

THE KING AND I

One of my favorite stories, the way I remember it, is the perfect representation of the "new world" I now belong to. IF you will read it in its entirety you will understand and if you are like me you may find a tear or two escaping your eyes as you see the truth in the story. It goes something a little like. . . . The king was going through the village one day and saw a boy in tattered clothes and haggard eyes. He had nothing but a coin and looked as though he had cleaned many stalls and fireplaces to earn. He went to the merchants’ tent to buy some bread and saw a little girl and boy in much the same condition as himself and much younger huddled in the alley. The little boy bought the bread, looked at it longingly and gave it to the two youngsters. They looked as though there were terrified at first then ate it with veracity. The little boy with stooped shoulders, turned around, shoved his hands in his pockets and started walking back through the village while his stomach prtested. He had no idea that the king had watched all of this from his vantage point and sat there on his steed with tears in his eyes. He nudged his horse and began walking behind the boy. The little boy felt as though he was being watched and carefully turned around. His eyes became big, his mouth dry and his heart raced. Quickly he looked down to the ground and waited for the king to pass him by. He didn't. “What should I do?” he thought. He became like a statue and tried to hold his breath. The footsteps that met his ears seemed to mock him and speak of his doom. Then, a big warm hand was on his shoulder. He slowly looked up into tear stained and friendly eyes. “Boy, come with me.” Obediently he followed as the village people began to stop and whisper. He walked through the village with the king by his side, his hand still tenderly on his shoulder. He could barely feel that giant hand now it felt like it had become a part of him. He still felt scared but he also felt a surge of confidence as well. They entered the castle gates and he felt like his feet would quit moving. The castle! Of course, the king must need a stable boy but they past the entrance to the stables. Oh, he must need someone to work in the kitchen but they past the servants entrance as well. He was being brought through the main door. No one but royalty enters through there. Even the servants stopped and stared. This little boy with nothing but rags on was being escorted into the palace by the king himself! The King called his personal servant up and told him to bring the best clothes and shoes he could find for the boy. He called to the cook and told her to make her best dishes she has ever served with the finest of ingredients. He called for a warm bath and told the boy to wash and put on the King’s robe while he waited to be dressed. The boy didn't move. He just stood there in confusion staring at his bare, dirty feet. The King started to walk away and realized the boy was still. “What is wrong? Don’t you want a bath and clean clothes? Aren't you hungry?” Still, no answer or movement. The King knelt down in front of the lad and gently put his hand under the boy’s chin and lifted his face so he could look into his dirty face. The boy had tears trying to fall down his face. “Boy, what is the matter?” “I don’t understand sir. I am just an orphan with no home and no food. Why did you bring me here?” The King smiled a smile that lit the room. “I brought you here to live with me. I saw you in the market when you bought the bread and gave it selflessly to those children. I was watching when you thought no one cared. I saw your heart in that deed and knew that you were more than those tattered clothes and matted hair. You had the heart of a King. I have no children of my own. I want you to be my son. You will have the best clothes money can buy and more food than you could ever eat.” The tears began spilling over his cheeks as his listened to the soothing voice of the King. The King WANTED him? “But sir, I have nothing to give you in return.” “All I require is your love and that you will one day be the King I will teach you to be. I have done everything for you. All you need to do is accept my offer.” At first, the boy discretely pinched his own arm just to be sure he wasn't dreaming. Then, he smiled so big it hurt. He almost toppled the King in a hug. The King wiped away the boy’s tears, patted his head and slipped out of the room. After the boy bathed and put on his new clothes he wrapped his old ones in a piece of cloth and hid them in his room.

          The boy lived there for quite some time and was adjusting to his amazing new life. The King was kind and loving and he had never eaten so much in his life! Every morning his servant came to wake him he would be up already ready to start the day. One morning the servant noticed that the boy look as though he had been crying. He puzzled over this. He knew he was an orphan and now he lived with the King. What could be the matter? He took notice every morning for a week and observed the same thing. He decided he would come to his room early enough to see if he could figure out what was wrong. The next morning the servant got up earlier than usual, dressed quickly and hurried to the prince’s room. He heard his bed creak and heard a few footsteps. He carefully cracked the door and stood there with his mouth wide open. There stood the prince in the dirty tattered clothes, that once were too big now were almost too small, that he came to the palace in the day the King brought him home. He saw the prince’s shoulders shake and tears were streaming down his cheeks as he looked in the looking glass. The prince noticed he had company and quickly turned around to see who it was. “Sorry, sir” the servant stuttered. The prince sadly smiled and walked into the other room to change. The servant tried to move but he could not without finding out what he just observed. The prince came through with a smile and a nod and started to walk out the door. “Sir, I must know. Why would you keep those dirty rags and why would you put them on?” The prince looked knowingly at the servant and said, “Good sir, I was chosen to come live at the palace. I have a warm bed, the finest clothes, more food than I could ever eat and a father who loves me. I had nothing before but these filthy rags. I put them on every morning to never forget where I came from and to be thankful of where I am now.” The servant slowly nodded his head and with tears in his own eyes bowed, and left the room with his heart changed forever.
          You cannot tell me you do not love the truth to that story. I had nothing and Jesus gave me everything. If He took everything I have now away from me I would still be better off than I was without Him. I am living in a new world but it is much the same as my old one because Jesus is still with me every step of the way. His hand is on my shoulder and sometimes I may not be able to feel it but it is still there. He gave me the clothes on my back and the food that I eat. I must never forget where I came from and remember it with thankfulness. I must listen to the King’s instruction and immolate His heart. I must always remember who I was and be ready to pass it on to others. I had nothing but Jesus gave me everything. 

WAITING

     Patience has never been my strong suit. Patience is a virtue that I am not sure I will ever master. I am a goal oriented, step by step person. I like things neat and organized in every area of my life. I have been like that since I can remember. "Let all things be done decently and in order." 1 Cor 14:40 I have taken that verse to heart. My kids memorized it. When we look at school work or their rooms it is quoted whether they succeeded or need to do better.
     I have finally figure out what I want to do with my life as far as a career goes. Therefore, I started taking courses in that field. I made up a list of things that would help my children and benefit them in the course of their lives. There again, I have been preparing them and myself in order to make them happen. I know what I want out of life. I know what my kids need. Now, where to I reside that would benefit all of us and make those two very important things a reality. What steps do I take to make sure the timing is right? Where do we go to church to make sure our spiritual needs are met outside of our own walk? How close or how far do I need to be to my family and friends? I don't know all of those answers. I thought I knew a good portion of them, then I am thrown off again. I know that when I moved to where I am now, I was hiding out. Now, I am making preparations to move towards something. I can feel it.
     God promised to take care of us. He promised He would never leave us. He is not done with me yet. I know that. The thing is, I do not operate on His time table. First of all, there is no time in Heaven. It shows! He may be on time in His mind but it feels late sometimes. There is no promise that I will make a mark on this world while I am living. Do you even know how many people didn't live to see their fame? Do you know how many people's prayers were answered long after they were in Heaven? There is no guarantee that God's promises will happen in our life time. God promised Abraham he would be the "father of many nations" and that redemption would come through his blood lines. Do you know how many generations passed until Christ came to earth through Abraham?
     I do not want to be the one that is impatiently waiting and forcing things to happen. I do not want to make a move and find out that if I would have just waited a little longer, everything would have been a lot less complicated. So, how do you determine if you go or stay? How do you know if the timing is right or not?
     We all have limitation, but one we all have in common is our inability to see the future. You know what? God has always been and always will be. I don't have to worry about my tomorrow because He is already there and knows what will happen. Some say that dependence on God is a sign of weakness. To me, it takes much more strength to know I cannot do it alone and I do not control everything. I feel like the "Cat in the Hat" juggle lots of things standing on a ball. Eventually, it is too much and everything starts crashing down and makes a royal mess. There is comfort and reassurance that we are not made to go through life alone. We not only find that in a life long partner but we find it even more so in God.
     I have cultivated some trust issues in my life, but one thing I know for sure that God has NEVER let me down. I don't know that future. I don't know whether I should move to this city or that one. I know where I want my kids to go to school. I know they need more time with their dad. I know what I want to do for a career. Those are the things I know. Now I just need to build on those and connect the unknown to what I know. It will not fall together tonight. I will need God's help to make anything happen. See, I am already moving towards my "something" and I haven't even gotten out of my chair yet. Fighting our own mind is sometimes most of the battle. I have some things I want to accomplish with my life. Finding out how all that fits into the equation will help me resolve my present dilemma.
     Patience? Ha! Yeah, I am working on that. Finding out my goals and dreams? Check. Doing what is best for the kids? Check. Where do I go from here? Wait. Who do I travel through life with? Friends, family and God. Anyone else is part of the unknown. If we knew how the story ended we would never read a mystery novel. Part of the adventure is putting together the clues ourselves. Life is definitely an adventure and I just need to be prepared as possible and do my best with the rest.

WHEN IS IT MY TURN?

I sat in church today and looked around at the circular auditorium, the hardwood floors on the platform, the way the auditorium was built to where you walked down to get to the alter, the scrolled wood on the pews, the beautiful architecture in the room where I was sitting. I sat there and listened to the choir as if I was sitting in Heaven in the presence of Jesus. The voices were raised as if they were trying to reach Heaven but the sound was if they were trying to outdo the angels. Each song was so strategically sung and was in line with what I needed. The sermon tied into the songs and they both opened a part of me I keep quiet and poured in healing, and desire for the Lord, inside of me again. So much so, it overflowed and I sat there with the tears flowing as if they would never stop. I sat there knowing every word was true but because it was true it struck me that the truth is for me too. I had been praying for God to step in and take over. There were things I couldn't do or handle. There was no way I could MAKE it happen in the foreseeable future either. When will it be my turn to be able to tell my story of where God has brought me instead of living in it still? When will this chapter end?
                Several times, I sat across from my friends and watched them together. I know where they have been and where they are now. I saw their chemistry. I saw them work together. I heard them get aggravated at each other but it was all okay. They loved each other. It was obvious Who was in the middle of their relationship. I had heard them talk to and about each other and how they were together but never seen it until now. I selfishly sat there a few times and asked God: When is it my turn? When can I laugh and tease with someone who loves me like that? When can I share my story of how we met? When can I show others the love story God wrote for me? When is it my turn?

I want to help other people with my words and my life but how can I when I am still trying to pull myself up? The thing I realized is, I am in line. Every day pushes me closer to being where I desire to be. Every step helps me walk in the direction I am pointing myself in. Every person I speak to in some way I can help them in that second to know they are not alone. Eventually I will be in the front of the line and I will be next. I know I will never “arrive” but there are things that I will eventually accomplish. I will eventually recover emotionally and financially from the divorce. I will eventually have my degree. I will eventually be able to start my career in the field I am working towards. I will eventually meet someone that I can share my life with. I will eventually be that person who shows other people they can make it because I did. I will eventually be able to treat the ones who have helped me. I will eventually be able to have my turn. Just because it isn't today doesn't mean I have failed. It doesn't mean I am not loved. It doesn't mean I am less than someone else. It just means it’s not my turn yet. I know it will come. Until that day, I will be on the move towards those goals. I will be attempting to be patient and be ready to embrace my moment when it presents itself. When’s it my turn? I don’t know. I do know what I will be doing until it is. 

LOST

    I don't know about you, but sometimes I feel so lost. I think I have figured out certain things just for them to change. I feel like I am in a white room with all of my confusion swirling around my head in black. How do you decipher what is a legitimate concern and your own insecurities? How do you determine what is truth that will remain constant and what is opinion that will eventually change?
    When I was a kid I hid in the clothes racks at the stores. I would scare my mom to death until she would notice my feet sticking out underneath the clothes or hear me giggle. One say in the mall I hid from her. I had been in there for what seemed like forever and finally I peeked out to see where she was. I didn't see her anywhere. I stood up and looked around and she was nowhere to be found. Everywhere I looked seemed to take on life. The clothes looked like they were going to grab me and hold me captive. The people that glanced my way looked as if they would eat me alive. I started calling her name frantically. Then, I saw a security guard and walked up to him. Mom came out of hiding and told the guard everything was okay. She was watching me the whole time, but wanted to teach me a lesson not to hide from her again. It worked! Scared me to pieces. I was lost, I thought.
    That feeling where everything took on a life of its own is kind of where I am today. I have a lot of great things going on and on the flip side I still have some questions. I have been "enlightened" a lot this past weekend. I have had some questions answered that I have had floating around in my mind for a while now. Yet, I am still thinking, how do I process this knowledge now? It makes it easier and much harder to know the truth sometimes. The "problem" with knowing a certain truth is figuring out when to share it with others that do not know that particular truth. I have also learned that my instincts are better than I give them credit for. It is hardest when your emotions get involved and try to over-rule your head.
    Sometimes I just feel lost. I am a determined and driven person. I always have something to point myself towards but in my mind I am in that room with the black cloud over me made up of my doubts. How do you refute those doubts? How do you determine what is insecurities and what is a legitimate concern?
    I have found that if I take a one of those lines from my cloud like "should you determine you will just be alone" and look at why I feel that way. Am I scared of being hurt? Yes. Am I afraid that I will be rejected for not being perfect? Yes. Do I want to be alone? No. What will happen 10 years from now if I decide to do that? My kids will be gone and I will be left to live with my choices. What kind of solution do I have from those questions? I have found that my insecurities and fear of being hurt again is clouding my judgement. I like to be in control of my world. It gives me some reassurance because I won't hurt me. The thing is, I am in control of my decisions but I am not the One Who is in control.God is. That is when I have a friend or I have to mentally pry my hands off a situation.
    I clean houses and do school now. I have a lot of "alone" time. Either my mind is planning or it is poking holes in the plans I just made. I drive my own self crazy!! I have to get to that point to do what I know I am supposed to do and let the rest happen. I am a proactive person. I do not like to sit by and let everyone else do the work or have the fun. It takes a lot for me to just take a deep breath and sit on the sidelines for a time. When I played sports, if I was ever on the bench, I paced because I was dying to get back in on the action. My coach would rather have be play then have to watch me pace. In volleyball I played every second, just so you know.
   I had my life planned out. When that plan and the backup plan went awry, I felt so lost. Sometimes, I still wonder where I fit in. I am not married. I am not exactly single. When you are divorced no one calls you single. You are now divorced. So, where do I go? Where do I fit in? Now my sense is kicking in. Honestly, I have never "fit in". I have yet to meet a person who successfully put me in a mold. I have never tried to be on the "in crowd". I made my own crowd. I love everybody and cannot stand for anyone to be left out. My friends are an eclectic group and I love it. Each one brings something different to me as a person. Is it really THAT important for me to fit in now when I never have before? Not so much. Where do I go? First of all, it's "we" not "I". Every decision I make has my kids best interest at heart. We go wherever will be the best for my children. Problems solved!!
    Don't get me wrong, not every doubt and question I have circling around me is that easy to resolve, but that is my process. If I find one that has stumped me I ask a couple people I trust explicitly and prepare myself for what they will say. If I am not ready for advice. I attempt to put it to rest until the timing is right. All of our problems, questions, and concerns cannot be resolved when we want them to be. When someone is "lost" it means they are moving. They were in a familiar place and somehow got off that track. Sometimes you find a better path than the one you were on. Sometimes you just need a little guidance to get back to where you were. We are all a little lost in some way. We just have to figure out what is right for us and bluff our way past our insecurities.

WHERE DO I GO FROM HERE?

    I don't know what to do!!! Where do I go from here? What am I supposed to feel like? What is my life going to be like? Is there something wrong with me? Where is God in all of this?
   These questions have kept me company for going on a year. Some more than others. I was a preacher's kid. DON'T quit reading! Haha! I grew up pretty much in a fish bowl. Everything we did we were scrutinized unmercifully sometimes. We had people leave the church saying it was something we did as kids. Honestly, they were looking for an excuse, but that was hard for a kid to swallow and not knowing what in the world we could have done to cause that. My life was mapped out for me for as long as I can remember. My dad and I had these discussions a lot growing up. I was going to attend the Christian college he attended. I would get my Bachelor's and possibly my Master's degree. I would meet Mr. Right and get married. My first kiss would be at the alter. We would be married for two years and have our first child then space however more children we had every two years. This was the plan. None of that happened. Just so you know!
  I went to college for one year and had my heart broken. I didn't even think I would be able to breathe again much less continue on at that college. I met another fellow shortly after. We started dating on the rebound and got married a year later. We were pregnant within the year, on birth control.  Then, we got pregnant again when he was eleven months old, counting days. Any kind of prevention didn't work for us.....
    We were young and so naive. There were so many things working against us that I didn't even know about until YEARS later. I had given this man EVERYTHING. He was my first in every category there was. I had his children and now we aren't even married anymore. (I am not proclaiming that I was a perfect wife either) Where do I go from here?
   Marriage is for life and it is over and I am still here. How am I supposed to feel now? Does that mean my life is over? A guy looks at me and I feel for the ring on my left finger and it is no longer there. Men started coming out of the woodwork thinking I was an easy target, married or not. It made me feel dirty. I was supposed to be married. How do you switch your mind to the fact that you are single? What is my life going to be like? I am alone. I have no degree. I have no career. I have no "fall back". My first priority is being a mom. I  am not a career mom. Will I be able to see any of my dreams happen?
   Everything looked scary. Someone that I thought loved me like a daughter wrote ugly letters to me telling me that everything was my fault. Everything rested on my shoulders. My children's lives were in turmoil because of me. I asked myself over and over again, is that true? Did I MAKE this happen. Did I push him towards these decisions?
  I took a step back and looked at my life as if I was talking to someone I didn't know. No, I was not perfect and blameless for some of the problems early on. Did I cause this to happen? No. You cannot force someone to love you or be loyal to you. You cannot choose good FOR them or MAKE them do the right thing. You are not a warden, a mother or an enforcer. One day you will be held accountable for YOUR sins, not your spouses. You will have to live with YOUR choices and the reactions you have had to other peoples choices.
    The world is a big place, but it is small all the same. It is open to anything. This is your chance to have a new life. This is a game changer. What are you going to do with it? What will you become from this hard time in your life? Your life can be something beautiful! Don't give those people the power over you to make you bitter, mad, angry or resentful. It isn't up to you to take vengeance on them. They will have to live with themselves. Sometimes that is the best punishment.
   Think about what you are good at. If you don't know, ask your friends. Figure out what your gift is and use it in a good way. Mine is the gift of gab, obviously. I have been devoting myself to women that are going through what I have been through. A lot of times I felt utterly alone. I didn't want to "burden" anyone so I sat there feeling like my heart would quit beating at any moment because it hurt so bad and I didn't tell a soul. DON'T DO THAT! Do not attempt to go through this alone. We aren't meant to. First of all, we have a Heavenly Father who is waiting in anticipation for you to say, "I need you." Secondly, I am here. Thirdly, I could just about bet you that you have friends that would come to you in a second to make sure you are okay.
  I have taken that love for other people and am now getting my degree in Psychology and minoring in Christian Counselling. I am completing my first book. I started this blog and a Facebook page called "Take a Leap". I am dong everything I can to help others, and in that, I have found healing. You can too!
  Where is God in all this? Let me tell you. God is always here. You may not be able to hear Him because your sobs are drowning out His voice. You may not be able to feel Him because all you feel is pain, but just know He is there. He is that weird calmness you get and that little voice that tells you that you are alright. He is there waiting for you to realize that you are stronger when you figure out you cannot do it alone. He made you just the way you are for a purpose. Find that purpose. Live a happy and fulfilled life with Him as your guide. That is some of the best "revenge" you can get. YOU CAN DO THIS!! Sometimes it is minute to minute. Then, it will be hour by hour. Then, day by day. Then before long you are sharing your story with someone else helping them get through the night.
   You can find healing and purpose in your life, no matter what God allowed to come your way. You do not have to understand it or make sense of it. You just need to trust Him. He can make someone that has been broken into something beautiful!!

LITTLE ACCOMPLISHMENTS (things I love)

We all have those silly things that we enjoy. I have crazy things that give me the supreme-st sense of accomplishment like an empty tube of toothpaste or deodorant. An empty shampoo bottle feels wasteful and frustrating. I used to even get travel toothpaste and deodorant partially for the feeling I got when they were empty. Plus I was worried about getting sick and using the same toothpaste.
I LOVE to see my rent come out of my account. Don't get me wrong, I feel like renting is a waste but to be able to pay it every month makes me feel so powerful. I love to pay my bills. Bills are a necessity to life so why fuss about it? I can pay them every month. Some how, some way they get paid every single month. Woohoo!!
I get a sense of accomplishment when the kids finish a bottle of vitamins. I feel like that is a sign of a healthy immune system and strong bones. When there is a pile of clean clothes to fold I feel warm and fuzzy all over.
I love to hear the dishwasher or the washing machine going. It sounds like home and progress all at the same time. I hate to purchase laundry detergent because it is expensive, but I can't wait to do laundry all at the same time. I already have a load prepared to start before I even go pick it up at the store. I love to see the vacuum tracks on the floor. My favorite smell in the world is Clorox. I use Clorox clean-up of off brand. It smells like clean should. It makes me feel at ease knowing that 99.9% of all the germs in that area have been killed and I still could probably kill the leftover .01% by sheer willpower.
I do not like to dust. I do not like the smell of dusting cleaners but I love to see my furniture shine.  I go over my leather couch to help keep the leather in good condition with my dusting rag. I do love the feeling of the leather under my rag. I love the sheen it gets from the dusting cleaner I use.
I do not always make up my bed like I should, but I love to see my bed made up. I tuck in every corner and would pass any military inspection. I love to see the quilt tucked evenly and know the sheet is so straight it looks ironed.
I throw away things for sport. I go through everything in my house often. Every load of laundry, closets, toys, plastic containers. If there are fuzz balls, out they go. If the toys have been broken or aren't played with we donate or give to someone we know could use it. I have a problem with throwing away paper. It doesn't matter if it is old bills or the kids school work. It feel wasteful and I am afraid I will throw away something important. I have gotten better about picking out one really good paper a week or every few months and putting them in a binder. That is the only "pack rat" type of tendency I have other than my books.
BOOKS! I LOVE books! I absolutely love the smell of a new Bible but I even like the musty odor of an old book. Books that were made before politically correctness plagued our country. I like the rawness of the speech and to see how we arrived at how our world is now. I love, love, love encyclopedias and old dictionaries. I want to find some first editions of my favorite books. I want a library like on the Disney movie "Beauty and the Beast". Floor to ceiling books. Then, I want a month locked in that room with a pile of notebooks and a stack of pencils and all those books.
I cannot pass a stack of notebooks without purchasing one. I write notes, checklist, outline sermons, jot down ideas, letters, and let out steam in a notebook. Add to that a freshly sharpened pencil and I am in Heaven. My penmanship is perfection when I write with a pencil. Second best is a pen with blue ink. They have power over my brain and my hand just floats over the pages.
Isn't it amazing the simplest things give us such satisfaction? A child's giggle or a hug. The smell of a cleaner or perfume. They say that smells are tied to memories. I can still smell a certain perfume and think of my K-4 teacher. I smell a baby and can see each of my children as they were nuzzled up to me when they were infants. I can smell a Sharpie marker and think of all the banners we made in high school. Such small little things can make us feel like a new person. Some of you can relate and some are thinking how crazy I sound. Think about it. Find something you enjoy or makes you feel accomplished. When you feel like the world is spinning out of control or you haven't gotten anything done for the day. Do that one thing that makes you nod your head in approval of yourself and hang the rest. All the work you didn't do today will be there tomorrow. It will be okay. The world will not spin off its axis because you didn't have a page full checklist completed but you may have saved yourself a small stroke by slowing down and doing nothing for a change.
Instead of laying in the bed all day because you are depressed and mulling over everything that is wrong, scrub the shower or vacuum the floor. I can think more clearly when I clean. If I have cleaned what I should for the week and our usual organization is all done, and I am still organizing? I would steer clear for a while. We all have our little things that make up who we are. People label it or give out medicine for it, but honestly it is how God made us. Accepting who we are will help others accept us as well. I am not saying that some people do not need medication, but we look at so much as negative in the world. See the positive in who you are and capitalize on it. Be who you are every little eccentric part.

LET'S TALK

    I am a self-proclaimed tough mom. I am the friend you call for a good time and laugh til you cry moments, but I take being a mother very seriously. In my personal opinion, I think the nations' problems would be solved if we start training our children correctly. We are training future adults. If you wouldn't take that kind of behavior from an adult, why would you from a child. What is the hardest thing for us is we will not change our own thinking and actions. We cannot punish our children for something they see us doing every day. "Our children become the worst of who we are." In other words it is easier for our kid to pick up our bad traits rather than our good ones. If we make our worst, better and our better our best continually, I think our children will do the same without even realizing it.
    By the time my kids were 3 they were "making" their own beds. My mom would continually remind me that it wouldn't look great but the whole point is making them feel achievement and getting into practice. They have cleaned up their own toys since they could crawl. I don't know about you, but I am nobody's slave. I love my children but I do not jump when they speak. I am training them to be self-sufficient adults. They love to vacuum and mop and we are working our way up to using cleaners. This year is the year I am going to start teaching them to cook.  I remember my mom scooting a chair up beside the stove and teaching me how to cook. I want them to have several meals they can do with little supervision. They are young, but they both think it is super cool. YAY!! That is the "trick" my mom did. We would "work like wild women" then have the rest of the day to play. What she didn't know was I loved cleaning because I made her proud and we got to spend time together.
    Well, yesterday school was cancelled because of the "deep freeze" going on up here on the mountain. The kids were WILD! I thought I would go crazy. I had scheduled myself some time to work on my book, clean and cook. Every time I sat down at the computer the banshees would come tumbling into my room touching everything, making weird noises and talking so loud I couldn't hear my own thoughts. After a while, I became very frustrated. I know I had been working but it aggravated me they couldn't seem to figure out how to play in the other rooms in this house. I had made supper and they weren't ready to eat yet. Well, I was starving and I made stir fry. Meaning I ate while they played. I was announcing my plans to get them theirs as soon as I was finished and Chloe said,"I don't like stir fry." To which I replied, "Yes, you do. Besides, what I make you will eat with a smile on your face and a thank you on your lips" "Daddy wouldn't make me eat it. He gives us whatever we want" she says. "Oh ho ho! Is that right? I lived with daddy for almost 10 years and we have followed the same rules since day 1. I know you. I was there the first time you opened your eyes. I was there when you took your first breath. I know you better than you know yourself. You will not play me like that and trying to get your way by telling me your daddy lets you do whatever you want. First of all, I am not daddy and secondly, that will never work" (never pick a fight with me unless you are prepared) She looked at me in utter shock. That didn't work? How is that possible? Does her daddy give her whatever she wants? I am not there, I don't really know. Regardless, it doesn't change the rules I have set for my little family one bit. I am not here to make sure they get whatever they want. I am here to give them what they need. Of course, we have our nights where we all pick our favorite thing to eat and I have 3 different things going at once. This was not that night. They ate their supper and all was well. Afterwards I called them into my room. I said, "Lets talk."
    I showed them on my computer my blog and my Facebook page. I let them read comments of how people said they enjoyed reading the stuff I wrote and how honest I was. (I take that as a compliment) Where people had stated they were glad they knew me and I have a beautiful family. Then, I showed them where I said, " My kids are amazing. If they weren't already mine, I would want them!! Kids are awesome! They are the only people I know that can make you want to squeeze their neck and pinch their nose all at the same. LOL They make the world exciting and new and make you get out of bed every morning. My kids have been more of a help than going to church at times. Every decision I have ever made was a direct result of them. I am undeserving of them, but am thankful all the same."
        We sat on the bed in a makeshift circle and I told them how much I loved them and how they are my reason. My voice broke and tears started forming in my eyes as I explained the love I have for them. The reason I can write and the reason I can help people is because of their existence, love and trust they had in me. They were the ones that had loved me unconditionally and helped heal my heart.   (I RARELY cry. So, when it seemed as if the flood gates were opening Chloe started tearing up and Jayden started crying in the blanket that was on his lap.) I proceeding in telling them, when they fuss and don't listen, it makes it hard for me to help other people and it hurts my heart. My head is so full of frustration and worry about why they are acting this way that I cannot think of what to write or tell someone that is hurting. I told them that they are amazing kids. I don't know of many kids as good as they are and that get along like they do. That doesn't mean that they are better than everybody else, it just means they may be a little smarter to have figured it out this quickly.
 They rarely ever fuss. So, when they do I just don't know how to react because I am taken back by it. They love each other and care for each other every day. I pointed all of that out to them and gave them examples of how courteous they are to each other.
    As I was talking, I could see the wonder in their eyes. I could see the look of "do I do that?" in their faces. I could almost see them be visibly inflated. It was great! They had been tattling and fussing for the past couple days about to drive me up the wall but not bad enough to warrant any major discipline. After our talk, they helped straighten the living room and they let each other take turns picking a cartoon to watch on Netflix. They were giggly and happy and loving. This morning they were the same way. I don't know how long that will last but I thought to myself: I tell  everyone how awesome my kids are and how much they have helped me. How often do I tell them? I tell them I love them every day but do I tell them things I love ABOUT  them? Do I tell them things I have never said before? How often do I brag on them? It made me think... I need it sometimes. I need someone to notice that I am giving my best. When I am struggling wondering if I am dong a good job, I just about start sobbing when someone says I am a good mom. I had a long time friend told me that I was "doing things". I told him that I wanted to FEEL like it. He then said,"Just look in the mirror and there's your proof you've been doing thing for your whole life." MAN! I felt like I could fly! What a thing to say? How needed that was. It got me thinking. My mom made/makes me feel the same way. I can remember some conversations we had when I was younger and she would make me feel like I could almost walk on water. I want to do that for my kids. I want to be their constant encourager. I have never been one to give an empty compliment. So, when I say something, my kids know I mean it. But do I say it enough? That is my new driving force. Positive reinforcement. Finding the balance between making your kids feel like they are superior and making them know they are special to you can be tricky, but I am up for the challenge.

PANIC

    In college I discovered what panic attacks were. It had been a LONG time since I had had that feeling of suffocation and like someone was sitting on my chest. A few weeks back I had it happen again! I have been able to think myself into relaxing. This time, there was a lot going on and I let it sneak up on me. Before I realized what was happening I felt like I needed oxygen STAT. To top it all of I WAS ON A DATE! The "attack" was enough but to panic your date. WOW! That is a guarantee for another one for sure! Thank God he had had his share of issues with the same thing so that helped. I was struggling to get off my coat and roll down the window at the same time. I started raising my voice saying,"Help me with my jacket. Help me!!" At this point he had rolled to a stop in the middle of the road and was asking me what he could do. I felt like tearing at my clothes because they started feeling like restraints. It was horrible! I kept wondering if I needed to take an aspirin in case my heart felt like exploding too. It was HORRIBLE! I cannot believe I let it get that far and I cannot believe I had an audience.
    Sometimes the hurt can be so overwhelming it feels like I cannot breathe! Sometimes it becomes overwhelming trying to process what is going on in my life. Between bills, finding more houses to clean, starting college, dating (or trying to), dealing with the kids dad, still overcoming opinions, family, good turning to not so good really quickly sometimes, maintaining a good attitude with the kids, first year in public school, being everything for everybody all the time it all is TOO MUCH! Breathing becomes difficult much less thinking about how to make it all work. I have decided that I am retiring my Wonder Woman cape. The Super Mom outfit that I created for myself, is collecting dust. I am a woman. Just a woman. I am not a miracle worker or have celestial capabilities. Human. Just plain human. I have to remind myself. It is okay to not be able to make everything work all the time. It is okay that I lose my cool sometimes and have to apologize. Showing that you are human is one of the best things you can ever do for your children. It is okay that I am struggling. So what I am almost 30 and I had to sell everything of value to get out of a bad situation. So what I am driving a car that should have a bumper sticker on it that states, "Honk if parts fall off." So what that everyone doesn't agree with me or even like me all the time. My children won't be demons after one year in public school. Yes, they come home asking me what sex is at 6 and 8 years old but I have told them what they need to know for their age and they know how ridiculous it is to speak to a child about adult things. They will live! So what things are still being spread about me. Are they true? No. Then, why worry? The ones that believe it are the ones that are weak minded. I personally are not friends with weak minded people. My pitiful little car...well, at least I have wheels and one day I will have my dream car and this car will make for a great story. I am almost 30. Woohoo! 30 is time for fun! When I hit 40 I will be sending kids off to college. These next ten years will be the ones for the history books. I am not going to sit around with  oxygen close by afraid to go out of my house. I am a woman that has been through a lot of tough and crazy times, but I am okay. I have been hurt but many people have and they are still alive to tell the story. The thing we have to think about is what kind of story do we want to tell with our lives? Do you want to be that person that is talked about for the next ten generations because of your tenacity, drive and positive spirit. Or will your story be a cautionary tale? It is up to us whether or not we let the things that happen in our lives suck the air or the life out of us.
    When I start having that feeling, I get quiet. I think about the muscles in my chest expanding. I think about how strong my heart is and will it to beat. I breathe in as deeply as I can or make myself yawn. I sit still and relax my shoulders and my neck then my back and chest as if I am going to fall asleep. I try to listen for my own heart beating which gets me distracted from what is going on. I think about something positive and tell myself that I am okay, until my body cooperates with my head. This works for me. If you go through something like this, you have to find your own way to cope. Medicine isn't always the answer. You don't want to just alleviate the symptoms, you want to fix the problem. Think of all the good in your life, or what you are going to make happen. Get your mind distracted with positive thoughts and just breathe. We are going to be okay.

MAGNETIC FINGERS

    Does your children have magnetic fingers? Mine do. When they cross the threshold into my room their fingers magically become magnetic. Every thing that they see becomes magnetic and is drawn their hands. My drawers start shaking and calling their names. They find my secret stash of orange tic-tacs. They attempt to carry around whatever fragile items I have on my dresser. My antique typewriter moans with despair as they start walking towards it. If I walk out of my room while they are still in it, all of my things are rearranged, my drawers have mysteriously been opened and not quite closed. My perfectly made bed looks like pigs wallowed on it and now has grit in the sheets. My closet light has been turned on and my shoes have been gone through and some are now missing. It is amazing! Who knew kids had super powers?
    It is equally amazing that when they go in their room to clean it all of their stuff is coursing with electricity and it shocks their little hands when they attempt to pick up dirty clothes, toys or books on the floor. It is a painful experience for them to have to go through daily. The bed has a force field around it that prevents them from making it up. Their shoe organizer is allergic to shoes and keeps throwing them up in the bottom of the closet. The hangers are too weak to hold pants and shirts. So, the shoes and clothes have a meeting of protest at the bottom of the closet. The videos and DVDs have an invisible lock on them. Once you take the video or DVD from its case, you cannot get it back in. It is phenomenal!
    The bathroom is another story. The floor always has water in it. It must be the Barbies having a pool party when the door closes. Only one seat is lifted when my Jayden uses the bathroom so I hear a shrill scream when my Chloe goes in the bathroom to use the restroom. "CLEAN OFF THE TOILET!" The little shiny apparatus on the back of the commode never works when they go to the bathroom. It as if they walk into the bathroom and their memory is wiped clean. They get into the tub and cannot remember to get a towel or their lufa or how to wash their hair. Most of the time if I come in to speed up the process Chloe's hair is wet but no shampoo has made its way to the top. Jayden is attempting to get out of the tub with shampoo still in his hair.  When they get out of the tub, they forget to use their towel on their feet first and seem struck with blindness because they are incapable of seeing the pile of dirty clothes they created before they got into the tub. Now moving to the sink. Their toothbrushes practically jump out of the cabinet but they refuse to go back in. The vitamin bottle is a snap to open but the lid becomes way too heavy to pick up and put back on once vitamins are removed. The toothpaste in the easy to use container, magically squirts toothpaste all over the sink. There is little drops of toothpaste and water all over the mirror 3' above their heads. The rug is in a ball on the floor and it looks like there was a struggle of a lifetime in the bathroom. They walk out of the bathroom and their memory amazingly is restored but everything that just took place in the bathroom is as if it never happened.
    I don't know about your kids, but mine have super powers! Honestly, this is not an everyday occurrence. My kids are generally very tidy because I cannot handle stuff out of place for very long. They make their beds and clean their rooms daily. It's those times when you clean the house for the last time and walk through and the toys magically fall out of the toy boxes and the empty sink is having a sink side party with most of the dishes in the cabinets. The milk struggles with the cold of the refrigerator so it periodically sits on the counter to warm up. The cereal is so hard to zip lock shut to I get a burst of crumbs in the face when I pick it up not realizing it hasn't been closed....again. You know how it is. You wouldn't trade your kids for anything and everything in the world, but every once in a while you would like a consecutive ten minutes without a mess or being called in for a non-emergency. Being a mom is the best and hardest job ever created. It isn't a job for sissies. Just keep your cool and use it as a teaching tool. They will be the best cleaners in the county!!

SINGLE MOM

SINGLE MOM. To me that sounds so trashy or needy. I absolutely despise that term. I use it, but I don't like it. It sounds like you don't know who the father of your children are and you are helpless to do anything. It is funny to me how a single mom can have a full time job plus have the children full time but not be held in a higher standard in the world. Even if you have a part time job, college, whatever, it is assumed that you sit at home all day surfing the internet instead of trying to make a better future for yourself.
I want to say, to all the "single moms" out there, YOU ARE AMAZING! Some of the ones that I know are raising children, picking up whatever jobs there are, helping with homework, feeding the children, running the errands, trying to be fun even when you don't feel like it, taking care of all the duties the husband would generally do and trying to maintain sanity. It is a different world with no other adult in the house with you. My kids were having their cousins sleep over and I had kettle corn instead of butter popcorn. I wanted to cry! I had picked up movies, made a pallet, had a good meal and made sure they were busy the whole night. The movie was the highlight and they all couldn't wait to have popcorn. Then 2 of the 4 said, EW! This is gross. Oh my word! It's not like I can say, I will be right back. I will run to the store and go get some. Nope. You have to deal with it and try to avert the disappointment.
  That sounds silly, but it is the little things. The times you are sick or being a girl and need an extra set of hands or a tranquilizer. The times when the movie you have been waiting on goes to the theater or comes out on dvd and you would love to watch it and talk all about it but.....oh yeah, I forgot. It's just me. Trying to video and be the photographer at special times, it hits you. It's just you girl.
It doesn't have to be a bad thing. Just think of all the extra laundry you don't have to do. How many less times you have to clean the sink. The times you go to the bathroom half asleep and never have to worry about falling in or sitting on sprinkles. When you clean your room it stays that way. How many less dishes you have and you actually have leftovers. Try to see the positive. God gives us all second chances even if it feels impossible. He wants us to be happy. If you are happy in the place you are now it will be a double blessing when someone comes your way that has all the things that you were hoping for....

DATING

    Dating. It is a different world than when you were in college and being asked out by a little cutie. Now, you have to roll whatever change you can find and find a sweet little soul to watch your kids for you, if you can actually find a guy that is okay with a ready made family. Of course you could ask family but who wants to go through that third degree when you already are contemplating throwing up? Then you go on this date after running around all day working, getting the house straightened, making supper for everyone, trying to remember how to walk in heels and feeling awkward in something other than pajamas. He pulls up and you have this out of body experience. You look down on yourself and think, who are you kidding? You have two children at home and a momma body? You know very good and well that this man will never be good enough for your kids and he for sure wouldn't want less than a model to date. Pasting on a smile you slide in the car and pray the sitter isn't driven to madness by the time you get back. As you sit in the car and get a whiff of his cologne you start ticking off things in you mind. Look at his hands. Oh good he has workers hands. A little cut above the knuckle and looks like some calluses. Look at his teeth. No tobacco stains. Whew! A little crooked but healthy gums so probably good hygiene. Now for his clothes. Hhhmmm not wrinkled. Wonder if he ironed his clothes or he stopped off at his moms house before he came to pick me up. He thinks I am funny. Bonus! Could I kiss him? Am I attracted to him in that way? Oh Lord, what if he tries to kiss me and I don't want to??
You cannot tell me you have not done it. You sit at the supper table and watch him eat. Is he a loud chewer? Does he have manners? Is he courteous to you? Does it come naturally or is he trying to be too smooth? What is his conversation like? What kind of couple do you look like.
I know exactly how this same guy is feeling too. He sees you come down to get in the car and he thinks, WOW! She is beautiful. I hope she likes me. Ah... I think I will get steak.
We make things soooo complicated. I think it is good to make sure you have the right componants in a relationship, lets be honest, if he doesn't have it together at thirty something you cannot do anything with him. Let me say, and I am saying this to myself as well, HAVE FUN. So what if he isn't "THE ONE"? You can have fun and get a free meal! That sounds like a plan to me. There is no guide to how to date after divorce and children book that I know of or have read. Each person is different and each couple is different as well. Just breathe. Of course you should have guidelines and an escape plan, just in case but have fun going out and figure it out as you go. Good luck!

DIVORCE

    DIVORCE. What an ugly word. It is preached against, read about, scandalized and prayerfully avoided. Sometimes it happens. The result of something that was out of your control. Some people have it all but still aren't happy. Some people just cannot find the happiness they once knew and don't want to live in misery anymore. Some just don't care and want a "trade in." Ever heard that saying that the grass is greener on the other side? Do you know why? Because more than likely that patch of grass is over the septic tank. Just because the people change in your life doesn't mean it will make you a different person. I just knew my life was over when I knew that the big black cloud of divorce was looming. I remember as a senior in high school the preacher went around the room pointing at every other student and saying, "divorced, stays married, divorced, stays married." He pointed at me and said divorced. In my head, I snickered. Me? Yeah right. My nickname in school was "Pastor Lamb". Seriously? Several years later, I thought I had beat the odds. Had went through some major rough patches and wasn't even sure if recovery was possible. Just to get my legs under me again and find out my life had been a lie. What a difference a day makes. Now, when I go into church I feel like I glow neon, that I have a mark on my forehead stating "what I am". I am divorced. Most people automatically wonder what I did to make that happen. I have been told I didn't love enough. That I didn't do this or that right so that is my punishment from God. Really? Well, my God loves and wants the best for His children. I don't want to know your god. I read hundreds of books. I counselled for hours with different well known and some quiet godly Christian women how to be a better wife. I was embarrassingly naive when I was first married but I learned and thought I had done it all "right". Well, not so much, apparently.
    You know what? I have learned more than I have ever thought possible. I have learned about myself and much about other people. I have been sent well meaning messages that stated that I will be miserable for the rest of my life if I tried to have a "mixed" family. I have been told that certain problems that others had were my fault for whatever reason. I have been told that I will not be used again. Thank you but no thanks. Something that I have learned. Divorced isn't who I am. God uses anyone. Some things that happen in our lives cannot be fixed or stopped or helped. Stuff happens. We may not even "deserve" it, but it does. We may be saved, but we live with the effects of sin. I don't care what you look like, feel like or are. God is our dad that loves us no matter what.
It is hard to comprehend that to some when your dad may be mean or only shows you love if you do everything to perfection. There is one Person that you can always depend on. You may not can see Him but you can feel Him if you try. We are at our best when we are at our lowest. We are more in tuned to God and all of our pretense is stripped away when there is nothing left but hurt. Let me tell you something. I do not condone divorce nor do I promote it BUT sometimes it happens. Divorce wasn't the end for me, it was just the beginning. I never pretended that I would be a single mom when I was playing with my sister as a girl. I never wanted to put on a smile and tell my kids you hurt and cry and that's okay, but let it make your heart softer and be more loving to other people. I shouldn't have to choose between a great job and my kids. I shouldn't have to.... but I do. That is my life and it is going to be great no matter what. My kids have grown up more and seem to be closer than ever. We value our time together. We know that life can change in an instant so buckle up and enjoy the ride!
    All of that to say, no matter what is going on in your world. No matter how "put together" you look, God knows the real you and He loves you because of it not in spite of it. Your world may feel like it is falling apart, but in truth it may be falling together. Don't be so afraid to show people who you are. Don't be afraid to tell people, I made a mistake. Don't be afraid to show you are human. We all are some of us, like me, just make it more noticeable.