LOST

    I don't know about you, but sometimes I feel so lost. I think I have figured out certain things just for them to change. I feel like I am in a white room with all of my confusion swirling around my head in black. How do you decipher what is a legitimate concern and your own insecurities? How do you determine what is truth that will remain constant and what is opinion that will eventually change?
    When I was a kid I hid in the clothes racks at the stores. I would scare my mom to death until she would notice my feet sticking out underneath the clothes or hear me giggle. One say in the mall I hid from her. I had been in there for what seemed like forever and finally I peeked out to see where she was. I didn't see her anywhere. I stood up and looked around and she was nowhere to be found. Everywhere I looked seemed to take on life. The clothes looked like they were going to grab me and hold me captive. The people that glanced my way looked as if they would eat me alive. I started calling her name frantically. Then, I saw a security guard and walked up to him. Mom came out of hiding and told the guard everything was okay. She was watching me the whole time, but wanted to teach me a lesson not to hide from her again. It worked! Scared me to pieces. I was lost, I thought.
    That feeling where everything took on a life of its own is kind of where I am today. I have a lot of great things going on and on the flip side I still have some questions. I have been "enlightened" a lot this past weekend. I have had some questions answered that I have had floating around in my mind for a while now. Yet, I am still thinking, how do I process this knowledge now? It makes it easier and much harder to know the truth sometimes. The "problem" with knowing a certain truth is figuring out when to share it with others that do not know that particular truth. I have also learned that my instincts are better than I give them credit for. It is hardest when your emotions get involved and try to over-rule your head.
    Sometimes I just feel lost. I am a determined and driven person. I always have something to point myself towards but in my mind I am in that room with the black cloud over me made up of my doubts. How do you refute those doubts? How do you determine what is insecurities and what is a legitimate concern?
    I have found that if I take a one of those lines from my cloud like "should you determine you will just be alone" and look at why I feel that way. Am I scared of being hurt? Yes. Am I afraid that I will be rejected for not being perfect? Yes. Do I want to be alone? No. What will happen 10 years from now if I decide to do that? My kids will be gone and I will be left to live with my choices. What kind of solution do I have from those questions? I have found that my insecurities and fear of being hurt again is clouding my judgement. I like to be in control of my world. It gives me some reassurance because I won't hurt me. The thing is, I am in control of my decisions but I am not the One Who is in control.God is. That is when I have a friend or I have to mentally pry my hands off a situation.
    I clean houses and do school now. I have a lot of "alone" time. Either my mind is planning or it is poking holes in the plans I just made. I drive my own self crazy!! I have to get to that point to do what I know I am supposed to do and let the rest happen. I am a proactive person. I do not like to sit by and let everyone else do the work or have the fun. It takes a lot for me to just take a deep breath and sit on the sidelines for a time. When I played sports, if I was ever on the bench, I paced because I was dying to get back in on the action. My coach would rather have be play then have to watch me pace. In volleyball I played every second, just so you know.
   I had my life planned out. When that plan and the backup plan went awry, I felt so lost. Sometimes, I still wonder where I fit in. I am not married. I am not exactly single. When you are divorced no one calls you single. You are now divorced. So, where do I go? Where do I fit in? Now my sense is kicking in. Honestly, I have never "fit in". I have yet to meet a person who successfully put me in a mold. I have never tried to be on the "in crowd". I made my own crowd. I love everybody and cannot stand for anyone to be left out. My friends are an eclectic group and I love it. Each one brings something different to me as a person. Is it really THAT important for me to fit in now when I never have before? Not so much. Where do I go? First of all, it's "we" not "I". Every decision I make has my kids best interest at heart. We go wherever will be the best for my children. Problems solved!!
    Don't get me wrong, not every doubt and question I have circling around me is that easy to resolve, but that is my process. If I find one that has stumped me I ask a couple people I trust explicitly and prepare myself for what they will say. If I am not ready for advice. I attempt to put it to rest until the timing is right. All of our problems, questions, and concerns cannot be resolved when we want them to be. When someone is "lost" it means they are moving. They were in a familiar place and somehow got off that track. Sometimes you find a better path than the one you were on. Sometimes you just need a little guidance to get back to where you were. We are all a little lost in some way. We just have to figure out what is right for us and bluff our way past our insecurities.