PANIC

    In college I discovered what panic attacks were. It had been a LONG time since I had had that feeling of suffocation and like someone was sitting on my chest. A few weeks back I had it happen again! I have been able to think myself into relaxing. This time, there was a lot going on and I let it sneak up on me. Before I realized what was happening I felt like I needed oxygen STAT. To top it all of I WAS ON A DATE! The "attack" was enough but to panic your date. WOW! That is a guarantee for another one for sure! Thank God he had had his share of issues with the same thing so that helped. I was struggling to get off my coat and roll down the window at the same time. I started raising my voice saying,"Help me with my jacket. Help me!!" At this point he had rolled to a stop in the middle of the road and was asking me what he could do. I felt like tearing at my clothes because they started feeling like restraints. It was horrible! I kept wondering if I needed to take an aspirin in case my heart felt like exploding too. It was HORRIBLE! I cannot believe I let it get that far and I cannot believe I had an audience.
    Sometimes the hurt can be so overwhelming it feels like I cannot breathe! Sometimes it becomes overwhelming trying to process what is going on in my life. Between bills, finding more houses to clean, starting college, dating (or trying to), dealing with the kids dad, still overcoming opinions, family, good turning to not so good really quickly sometimes, maintaining a good attitude with the kids, first year in public school, being everything for everybody all the time it all is TOO MUCH! Breathing becomes difficult much less thinking about how to make it all work. I have decided that I am retiring my Wonder Woman cape. The Super Mom outfit that I created for myself, is collecting dust. I am a woman. Just a woman. I am not a miracle worker or have celestial capabilities. Human. Just plain human. I have to remind myself. It is okay to not be able to make everything work all the time. It is okay that I lose my cool sometimes and have to apologize. Showing that you are human is one of the best things you can ever do for your children. It is okay that I am struggling. So what I am almost 30 and I had to sell everything of value to get out of a bad situation. So what I am driving a car that should have a bumper sticker on it that states, "Honk if parts fall off." So what that everyone doesn't agree with me or even like me all the time. My children won't be demons after one year in public school. Yes, they come home asking me what sex is at 6 and 8 years old but I have told them what they need to know for their age and they know how ridiculous it is to speak to a child about adult things. They will live! So what things are still being spread about me. Are they true? No. Then, why worry? The ones that believe it are the ones that are weak minded. I personally are not friends with weak minded people. My pitiful little car...well, at least I have wheels and one day I will have my dream car and this car will make for a great story. I am almost 30. Woohoo! 30 is time for fun! When I hit 40 I will be sending kids off to college. These next ten years will be the ones for the history books. I am not going to sit around with  oxygen close by afraid to go out of my house. I am a woman that has been through a lot of tough and crazy times, but I am okay. I have been hurt but many people have and they are still alive to tell the story. The thing we have to think about is what kind of story do we want to tell with our lives? Do you want to be that person that is talked about for the next ten generations because of your tenacity, drive and positive spirit. Or will your story be a cautionary tale? It is up to us whether or not we let the things that happen in our lives suck the air or the life out of us.
    When I start having that feeling, I get quiet. I think about the muscles in my chest expanding. I think about how strong my heart is and will it to beat. I breathe in as deeply as I can or make myself yawn. I sit still and relax my shoulders and my neck then my back and chest as if I am going to fall asleep. I try to listen for my own heart beating which gets me distracted from what is going on. I think about something positive and tell myself that I am okay, until my body cooperates with my head. This works for me. If you go through something like this, you have to find your own way to cope. Medicine isn't always the answer. You don't want to just alleviate the symptoms, you want to fix the problem. Think of all the good in your life, or what you are going to make happen. Get your mind distracted with positive thoughts and just breathe. We are going to be okay.