THE DAVID INSIDE YOU

  For the past two years, Jayden has gone through some tough times at school. He has had a very hard time adjusting in school. He is not one of the "cool kids" but he isn't a part of the super academic kids either. I would say he sits somewhere in the middle. He is a very innocent kid. He doesn't have a lot of the knowledge the kids his age does about the world, or at least the way other kids his age interprets the world.

  I have such a hard time seeing him struggle. It makes my heart ache to see him come to the car so downcast and fighting to hold back the tears as he relays his day to me. There is only so much I can say when I wasn't there and don't truly know the situation. Today was one of those days. The struggle was REAL. As my son is sitting beside me fighting to maintain his composure, I am thinking of ways to solve this problem for him. In my mind, I'm looking for a "bubble" just his size to put him in.

  This year, I decided to start a "My gift to Jesus tree". We have the cutest Charlie Brown tree, decorated with a taupe colored bow, burgundy berries and a strand of lights. On that tree will hang the ornaments with our gifts we are giving to Jesus written on them. One of my "gifts" is to take time every day to help my children learn how to read, study, memorize the Word and to make the principles of the Bible come alive to them.

  As I fumed and fretted about how to resolve the burden my son seems to be carrying, the object lesson I had with the girls this weekend, popped in my mind. I drove home with a plan. I had Jayden put some water in a white soup bowl and sprinkle enough pepper to just about cover the surface of the water. I started with my questions to make them think and to lead them to where I was wanting to go. We went over what God did for us when he died on the cross for our sins. We discussed what the Bible is, it's accuracy and it's purpose. God's word is like a love letter to us but not only that but it helps us in our every day walk. It teaches us how to handle situations, how to follow in the path of Christ and how to reach other people. I told them of my "gift" to Jesus and my plan to further their knowledge of Christ spiritually and practically, starting tonight.

   The water in the soup bowl represents the world and the pepper represents the sin in the world. When we enter the world without Christ, (I stuck my dry, clean finger in the water), what happens? The pepper/sin sticks to us. (The pepper coated my finger) I wiped my finger off and got out the Dawn that represents God. I coated my finger with the Dawn and explained how when we become a believer, it isn't all we need in order to not get caught up in the sin of this world. We need to put on the "armor of God". (Ephesians 6:11-18) Once my finger was coated with the Dawn (God), I stuck my finger in the middle of the bowl of  and the pepper (sin) immediately moved to the side. It is such an amazing depiction because the pepper moves away from it in a circle almost like the burst of "God's power" made it move. It's not enough to just pray and ask for forgiveness, we have to seek God through His Word everyday to help us prepare for whatever comes.

  Then, I remembered this statement that forever changed my life: "If there's a Goliath in front of you, that means there's a David inside of you." ~Carlos A Rodriguez

   I got really excited then. I found the saying and showed Jayden. No matter what your giants are: mean kids, school work you just don't quite get, adjusting to school. Just know, God may have allowed that giant to come into your life but only because there is a David inside you waiting for the chance to pick up those stones, swing that slingshot around your head and with a prayer of faith, fell that giant. YOU can can make that giant fall!

  Wherever Jesus went, He caused division. He healed the sick and raised the dead but He also caused a ruckus. You may feel like when you walk in a room, everyone bolts to the other side of it but just remember that you are supposed to be separate. II Corinthians 2:17 "Therefore come out from among them, and be ye separate...". You aren't supposed to "fit in". You should be kind to everyone and not try to shove Christianity down people's throats but being different isn't a bad thing. Be a David. Pick up those stones and march towards that giant with your head held high and know that you have the best weapon of anyone, God lives within you. II Corinthians 6:16 "...God has said, I will dwell in them, and walk in them; and I will be their God, and they shall be my people."

   God is giving you this chance to show your faith and allow the David in you to be seen by those around you. It is up to you to take the first steps toward the river.

I CHOOSE YOU

"I choose you." I don’t know why that phrase is so important to me. For as long as I can remember, I have wanted to be chosen above all others. I wanted to be that special person that stood out among the crowd. As I got older and started being interested in boys, I wanted that moment where you saw “the guy” and he saw you. Although the room was full of people, you knew that you were the only one that he could see. Even the Barbie blonde that sashayed when she walked, legs were as long as my entire body and her laugh sounded like a beautiful chime in the wind that stood near me, he didn’t see. He still only saw me. The little ‘ol country girl, every inch of me, with the mousy brown hair, a shapely figure and my laughter made you feel the need to look for an egg.

I remember several times in my life that I wanted that “I chose you” feeling so bad I could taste it. Once, I was sitting in my dad’s study with the Chairman of the Board, a Deacon and my dad, AKA the Pastor. He was telling me that because I went to my “friends” and told them to quit gossiping about me, I made this “matter” a public one and he would have to publicly punish me. What in the world could this offense have been that I was punished for 90 days from having any leading role at my church; no singing, teaching, helping or attending any functions? I kissed a boy. No, I am not kidding.

One of my best friends, a boy 3 years younger than me that had fallen for me, saw me kissing my boyfriend, (that actually became my husband) and starting talking about it with the other teenagers. It escalated into stuff that wasn’t true. I walked in the middle of them and called them out. As soon as I did that, I pulled my dad and mom off the platform and sat them down in the Pastor’s study and broke the news. I will never forget my dad’s face. Ever. I’ve never visibly seen disappointment before. I did that day. My first kiss wouldn’t be at the altar. It was in an elevator, the day after I turned 19.

His face went from disappointed to embarrassed. He didn’t say it, but I could tell he was mortified. Then, he was angry. I could see his thoughts, “everyone knew, this is a reflection of me”. I didn’t get caught having sex or was pregnant, I kissed a boy. He sat up straight and further back in his chair. I could feel the separation. I could see it as if he wrote it out and signed his name that his little girl, his “nearly perfect” kid, was tarnished. I was tainted. His sermon illustration of his parenting ability was gone. Now, it would be a tale of woe. It was if I traded that kiss for my dad’s approval. He will tell you, to this day, that I was the perfect kid until I started liking boys.

When I was sitting in the study and hearing my punishment, I felt like I was having an out of body experience. I could hear the voices, see the disapproval and even see myself sitting there listening to every word with a blank look on my face. I looked up from staring at my hands because a new voice got my attention. The deacon was speaking. It wasn’t just a different voice that snapped me out of my revelry; it was the quiver in it. I caught his gaze and saw that he had tears in his eyes and was struggling to keep it together. He told me that his girls had gotten excited about church and serving the Lord since they had gotten to know me. That he wanted to thank me for being me and was sorry that I had to go through this. He couldn’t believe that I sat there and just took it without saying a word. He felt that it showed maturity and integrity. He got done and I had to remind myself to close my mouth. Why would this man that has known me for a year say those things and my own dad sounded as if he disowned me? What I didn’t know until I was an adult was this man and his wife was pregnant with their first child when they got married. Can you imagine how he felt when the law was brought down upon my head for a kiss? He and his family, which was half of the church, left shortly after. My dad eventually resigned the church.

What most people never knew was when he resigned, we moved into a home that was set up almost like a college dorm for missionaries to stay temporarily. I had a room down a couple hallways and my parents shared a room with a kitchenette. My dad wouldn’t even stay in the same room with me. If I tried to talk, he would ignore me or walk out of the room. I cried myself to sleep for a while. I just kissed a boy. After the tears stopped, the disbelief and desperation came. I was married within 4 months.

I was so confused and lost. I had done it all right. I abode by every rule and guideline I was ever given. I had never even put a pair of pants on my body at that point. I wore dresses. I could ride a bike or get up into the bed of a truck, all while wearing a dress. I was teaching Jr Church by age 11. We went from 10 in attendance to 50 in less than a year and that was in a little mountain church. I helped in the bus, nursing home and music ministry for as long as I can remember. I read my Bible. I had a passion for Christ. My nickname was “Pastor Lamb” in high school. There was even an ongoing bet with some of the guys in school who could get to me first. No one won. I never rebelled. I was never grounded. I never even questioned anything. I followed everything my dad said because he said it. Why couldn’t he have chosen me? Why did he have to write me off?

“I choose you”. 

I have lead many people to Christ in my lifetime but since this instance, there is a part in the “Roman’s Road” that gets me every time. Romans 5:8 “But God commendeth (to praise someone in a public way, to mention approval) his love toward us, in that, while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.” When I am talking to someone about Jesus and leading them through the verses, I describe this verse a little something like this:

“Jesus didn’t turn away from us although we are sinners. He doesn’t turn His face, raise His nail scarred hands blocking us from His vision. He loves us even more because we are sinners. He loves us because He died for us. He was hanging on that cross and He looked through time and saw my face, knew my name and knew that I would sin against Him and still died for me. If I was the only person in this world, I believe with my whole heart, that He would die for me.”

HE CHOSE ME. Jesus, God incarnate, chose me. He loves every inch of my 5’2 ¾” frame. He loves that I have a 30 year smoker laugh when I get really tickled. He loves that my love language is sarcasm. He loves me no matter that I have made mistakes. He loves me even though I let Him down. He loves me when I come off biting because my heart is breaking and I don’t realize its showing. He loves me when I feel like I’m a failure or He made a mistake in me. He loves me even though I kissed a boy. He loves me even though I am divorced. He loves me even though I am not perfect. He chose me!!!

That is a feeling that I will never, ever get over. Sometimes, I let the Devil convince me that Jesus regrets His choice but if I wait and listen, I can hear Him calling my name in love. 

No matter who didn’t choose us when we needed them to most, we ARE chosen. 1 Peter 2:9 “But ye are a chosen generation, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a peculiar people; that ye should show forth the praises of him who hath called you out of darkness into his marvelous light:” Don't give up hope. Don't lose faith. We could all take a trip down memory lane and see times like these when we just wanted someone to choose us even when we weren't making it easy. Even if you feel completely alone. YOU ARE CHOSEN. He looked through time and saw YOUR face and died with you in mind. He chose you. He chose to bear the cross so you could have a relationship with Him and live with Him forever in Heaven. It is up to you whether you choose to accept that beautiful gift of love that He displayed for all the world to see. It's there, say to God, "I choose you."

IT'S NEVER ENOUGH

  I have come to the conclusion that I can never be enough. It doesn't matter how large of a filter I have, I'll still say something to offend someone. It doesn't matter how much I care, I'll still not do quite enough. It doesn't matter how "perfect" I try to be, I never quite measure up. Sometimes I feel like I should totally win an award for not saying what I truly want to say and at times needs to be said. "Congratulations for not being as truthful as you want to be."

  A few months ago I was sitting in an office hearing about how something I said in love that was 100% true was not my place. I was told I didnt have the relationship with the ones I spoke to in order to say those things. Don't be confused here, I told some girls I love that their attitudes stunk. I sandwiched that in with praise and admiration for their hard work but it wasn't paying off because of their attitudes. I sat there and heard these explanations as to why telling these girls the truth, a truth everyone was afraid to say for fear of fall out made me sound like an unfeeling bully. How shameful it is to be an adult in a position to make someone younger, stronger, more resilient and make them a better person, and not do it out of fear. I took note of everything I heard in order to recall it later after the shock wore off. I went for weeks feeling like I was completely inadequate. That I was publicly failing. I spoke with a couple of those girls and their parents that were in the midst of the conversation I had with this group and asked them their take. People I knew would tell me the truth no matter if it hurt or not.  They told me in no uncertain terms that I was right and how they respected me more for calling them out. Amazing.

  One of the most baffling things I have heard in quite some time was a mother that asked the pediatrician to bump up their kids meds because the child still isn't listening to her. This same mother came to me several month prior and asked me how I get her child to listen to me when she can't. Disclaimer: I'm not a super parent. My kids mess up. I mess up. I fail them more than I would like to admit to myself. I also know every kid is different. I don't always punish my son the way I do my daughter. They respond to it differently. However, I do know that you should set up a "response plan" when dealing with and disciplining your children. It should be the same response for that particular problem or offense. They like structure and knowing what to expect. If you scream at them when they do something wrong, you set the precedent of how you have to react in order to get their attention. If they don't hear you in your normal voice, they will not listen when you have lost it. In truth, they lose respect for you. Love is yes and love is no. You cannot turn your child into a zombie and expect them to be anything but that. You can't look to meds or the school to raise them. I believe we all feel like failures as parents at some point and sometimes we feel that way daily. Sometimes, when our faith is lacking, we try to "fix" the problem on our own.

Although those two stories don't seem related, they are. We all feel inadequate. We all feel like we will never be enough. I think one of the reasons we cannot take truth from anyone is because we already feel like royal failures. We already feel like we cannot take one more thing, one more person telling us we don't measure up. It's overwhelming. I have some theories about that. I know you're shocked!

  One is that we seek people's approval and not the One that truly matters. We have instant gratification on social media. We look for likes and comments to justify or validate our lives. We aren't used to a "thumbs down". We live in a world that is high pressure and fast paced. We are expected to be everywhere and do everything all at the same time. Do you know that we were created to have a relationship with God? That was Adam's sole purpose in the garden was because God wanted "company". Our lives are so full of everything. We've even eliminated church except for one service a week all in the name of "spending time with our families".

  If our sole purpose at the beginning of our time was to have fellowship God and then it became for us to minister to others, do you see how off we have gotten? I find myself obsessing over I think this person is mad at me at church because I didn't say this just right, that I forget the whole reason I'm attending church. I start losing my drive to want to go. I start feeling like churmches are just full of uncaring, hypocritical people. Don't act like you've never thought it.

  The truth is, we will never be enough. We will never be capable of doing enough. Isn't that encouraging? The amazing part is, WE don't have to be because HE IS. Who is this amazing "man" I'm speaking of? It is Jesus. The One who died for us. The One that loves us solely because we are His creation. He created mankind knowing that we would sorely disappoint, knowing as a result He would suffer and die a gruesome death.

  Before you start thinking how outlandish that is, think of this: (this is not an all inclusive comparison)
 You found out that you're pregnant. You've been hoping and praying and dreaming of nothing else. When you go to the doctor to get your "gender reveal" ultrasound, the doctor finds something very wrong. He calls you into his office and tells you that your baby that is growing inside you, will be the one that causes your death. You are told that if you have this child, you will not live to see this baby grow up. What do you do?

  In Jesus' case, He knew that by letting his "baby" live, He would live again. As mothers, we do absolutely whatever it takes to make sure our children are healthy and happy. We give of ourselves until there's nothing left and if need be, die for our children. He gave it all so we could live. Look how we live. We are a mess. A very good portion of people are on medication because they can't take their life. We are living in a way that we weren't designed for. Our emotions are so raw we can't handle truth.

  There are some days I'm so overwhelmed I feel like hiding just won't cut it. However, I know I'm doing that to myself. I'm putting that pressure on myself. Romans 8:37 says we are more than conquerors. God wants us to live and live abundantly (more than adequate) John 10:10. Just keep in mind that you DONT HAVE TO BE ENOUGH because HE is. There is hope for us because he provided it. Let us not get so caught up in this world that we forget about the One we are here for.

THIS IS SERIOUS

  This morning I was reminded about a time when my son had been struggling a little with my new work schedule. He had been missing me and having stomach aches. I believe the stomach issues were because of the stress he was under. I came home from work one night and was told he had been crying for me for 15 minutes. My big ol 9 year old boy was missing his mommy. It broke my heart but made me smile. It felt good to know that I was missed. Some mornings he woke up and would be suddenly deathly ill and could not go to school. One morning he came to the kitchen and walked up to me while I was helping get their lunches together. "Mom, I am sick. I cannot quit coughing and I feel really bad." I turned around and smiled at him and in a patronizing doting voice I hugged him and said,"Bless your heart!! Mommy's baby is sick." He stood there with his head on my chest and said, "Mom. You know this is serious, right?" "Of course it is! You can be my baby and no one has to know. (adding the voice again for good measure) You just be my baby and mommy will make it all better!" He relaxed in my arms again but shook his head at the same time. He went to school.

   Sometimes that's all it takes is a little love, attention and someone to share your burdens. How many times have I went to a friend or family before I ever went to God? I like to handle what I can without help in every area of life. I'm independent to a fault at times. I'm also a verbal person. Shocker, right? All I need to do sometimes is talk. I have fussed at many people that needed it in the privacy of my own home while I was cleaning. There's a good chance it started out as a prayer for the person and went a bit off track. After I got all of my feelings out in the "open", I could then think through the injustice and be able to respond to that person in the right spirit. Let's be real. Sometimes you need a voice that talks back that you can hear or an arm that you can feel the warmth and love as it is wrapped around you. For me, it is harder for me to pray through a situation when I am about to explode with my thoughts, opinions, hurt and sometimes rage. It is harder for me to open my Bible and seek wisdom when I have smoke coming out of my ears.

  What amazes me is that God will sometimes send someone that is the physical representation for what I need to hear. Women like for other women to agree with them or say something like, "No they didn't!, We will see about that!" We like that someone else is willing to walk beside us singing "Somebody's in trouble" while dragging a bat behind them. What I have found is the conviction I feel when I have sought out someone else's council before God's. When in fact, He sees it all. He sees it like a movie from beginning to end and knows every scene, even the ones that will get cut before completion. He wants justice for us even more than we do ourselves. After a while, I feel like I should start every prayer with, "Lord, it's me again..." I swear He chuckles every time I pray. I can almost feel Him patting my head!

   What I believe is, just as Jayden wanted to spend more time with me and his physical and emotional needs were real, God wants that time with us. Sometimes the situations we are in is to open up an opportunity that He will be able to wrap us in His arms and tell us lovingly that we are His child. Even the person that is blinded by their insecurities and do not care how badly their words and actions have hurt you, He sees. Even when you feel the circumstances you are in are totally unjust, He knows. Even the pain that the situation is causing you, He feels. He is allowing it for a specific reason. When we don't acknowledge Him through it is when the injustice doesn't get thwarted.

  I have recently encountered someone that I respected after speaking with them for just a few minutes. She made me laugh til I cried and she had Jesus all over her. She parented her children like I do. We had similar ideas but I felt like she would sharpen me. I felt like she would make me better by knowing her. God may have wrapped His arms around me but it was hers that I felt. I want to be that for someone else. "I'm going to make everything around me beautiful-that will be my life." Elsie de Wolfe There is something about that line that spoke to me. I want to make the world around me beautiful because I was in it. My name may not be written in history books or even in the local newspaper but I can change the world that I live in even if no one sees. It can be the "unseen" things that make the biggest impact.

  I do have some friends that will check that they have a full round while getting their keys if I need them. I also have friends and family that will wrap me in their arms as I fall apart. People that didn't even know I felt like my life was over and they sent some love and encouragement to me just in time. Every one of those friends were sent to me. Every one of those friends have been a way that God told me that He heard me. My prayer today is that I will seek him before I check the chamber. No, really. I pray that we all may find solace in God. It sounds trite, like a cop-out to say read the Word and pray but most of the time we make things a lot more complex than it has to be. No matter how serious it is, God can take it and let your heart, mind and body rest.
"Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart; and ye shall find rest unto your souls." Matthew 11:28-29

I CANNOT SPEAK

  When I was younger, my mom used to tell me that she knew something was wrong when I got quiet. I know it is hard to imagine that I was such a motor mouth. That still describes me today. I have not written in this blog for over two months. I have been in the fight of my life. I have been hit from every angle, home, church, play, kids, family, ex's, coaching, and in my marriage. The Devil has been allowed to rain his terror on my life.

  Here are some things I have discovered. He would not be fighting if he had victory over my life. He would not be fighting if there wasn't Someone to fight against. He would not be fighting if God hadn't allowed it. For a short time, I allowed the Devil to tell me that I had no purpose except to ruin everyone's life that I touched. For a short time, I allowed him to convince me that I had no place in this world. Did you catch that? I ALLOWED. I allowed him to reign in my mind. Past tense.

  I couldn't speak for all the pain and anger that was at the surface. I couldn't speak because all I wanted to do was declare the injustice. I couldn't speak to someone that needed encouragement because I was as low as I have ever been. I couldn't speak through the grip of depression. I couldn't speak through the hurt. A friend pointed out that my tone sounded harsh and I wasn't even mad. It hurt me but it made me stop and think. Was that true? Was all the things in my life coming out in my tone even when I thought I had covered my hurt so well?

  The black cloud was swirling all around me again and the pit that was looming at my feet, I had finally succumbed to. I was but broken glass at the bottom of the pit, unable to see the Light. I swore I would never be there again but here I am, feeling like God wasted precious time on me.

  When I was a teenager, I went to camp and these girls tried to play a prank on my by attempting to syran me to my bunk bed. After they were done, someone screamed like something was wrong, I wasn't even aware of what had happened. All I could think about was someone was in need. I got out of the syran wrap and jumped to the floor. There were 20 girls with their mouths wide open that couldn't believe I had gotten free. That is exactly how I felt when I broke free of that black cloud. I had a burst of anger for the tricks that had been played on my mind and irritation that I allowed it and in one swift jump, I had wiggled free of the blackness that was blinding me.

  I am still building the ladder that is helping me climb out of the pit. Each rung looks like it is built from words. If you look at it closely, you will see Jeremiah 31:3 on the first one, "...I have loved you with everlasting love; therefore with lovingkindness have I drawn thee." The next one reads, Malachi 3:6, "For I am the Lord, I change not;" As I felt the truth from each verse resonate through my body, I closed my eyes and allowed His strength fill me. As I opened my eyes in faith, another rung on the ladder had formed. Psalms 27:14, "Wait on the Lord: be of good courage, and he shall stregthen thine heart: wait, I say, on the Lord." I'm not "there" yet but I keep climbing. I am not allowing the Devil to reign supreme in my mind. He is not welcome here. He may have felt like he had a cushy seat to my mental demise, but that chair was broken up by the sword of Truth.

  Sometimes I still cannot speak for the heaviness in my heart. Forgive me. I have learned that each "trial", hardship, valley, tough time, is a building block for the next one. Doesn't that sound exciting? I don't think so either. However, I believe that we are ordained to go through these times so we will build a closer relationship with God. Each time may be tougher than before, but if we use it to further God's love and message, it will serve the purpose that was intended.

  If you are in the pit, have faith. Claim his promises and the rungs of the ladder will appear for you too. Don't give up. Allow this to push you towards God, not away. I am not searching for validation or pity. I was reminded today that I am WANTED and LOVED. Let this be a reminder to you that you too are LOVED, WANTED and God has a PLAN that only YOU can fulfill.

ALREADY THERE

 For the past few weeks, I had been writing out my story to speak at a women's retreat. I have relived moments I haven't thought of in a very long time. As I sat at my desk and wrote each word, I could feel the presence of the Lord in that room as if He was sitting beside me. I cried, laughed and sang His praises. Some of it was hard to remember. I have worked very hard at forgetting some things that have left major scars. Some things I still experience "phantom pains" from and I thought those pains would resurface. Instead, God showed me what we have come through together. He's shown me how He is building on what I've gone through to prepare me for the future.

  I didn't realize as I was going through all of that growth, it was preparing me for even more. At times, I can see the past. I can sit in a room and the walls fade away, with me in the center. I sit there and the moments and people from the past step into my view. I hear the noises, smell the fragrance, feel the coolness of the night, and see their eyes as if they were still looking at me. Every breath I took, I take again. I see the events unfold and there is nothing I can do to prevent it. The ghosts of my past do not hear me. The me that I see cannot heed the warning or advice that is on the tip of my tongue as I watch.

  I am in that place where in a few years, my walls will again fade and I will want to tell my past self something that only my future self knows. What would that advice be? What am I doing in this present moment that I would wish differently in times to come? How can one know that? That about drives me crazy thinking about it. Then. Then, I think. I think about the One that was with me then and is with me now. How do I know what I should do? How will I prevent a mistake that I cannot undo? I ask the One who is with me now and Who will be with me then. How silly that may sound but it is true. It isn't the answer we want, is it? We want to fix everything and then allow God to step in when we get stuck or make a bigger mess just to call on Him to fix it plus clean up the mess we created. It drives me crazy to feel helpless. It physically makes me feel "heavy", like I am running in water, to see a problem and not be able to make it go away. My younger self would just barge ahead and let come what may. I knew I was right. So there!

  Now, I can see events unfolding. I can see potential mistakes. I can see the damage that will change my world and the world of those around me that people are creating. I sit and watch like I am watching a movie and the actors cannot see or hear me.  I sit there helpless to change anything in my own power. However, I know Someone. The wind and seas obey His every whim. The planets spin on their axis because He caused it to be so. The mountain I climb, He has gone before me. The valley, I fear, He is with me even there. He breathed the very life into my body. I will not be afraid. I will not feel helpless because He has gone before me.

  As I sit and the walls fall apart and the events of the past unfold before my eyes, I look with new eyes. I see the hand of God even when I couldn't feel it at the time. I stepped out in faith and although I didn't see the "net" it was always there. Even now, as things transpire in my life that I cannot control, I will trust that He is in control. He wants better for me than even I want for myself. I will take heart because He is already there.

DECLARING WAR

  I was reading my Bible today and came across a verse that said "For by wise counsel thou shalt make thy war: and in a multitude of counsellors there is safety." Just a brief time earlier a statement was made that we need to go to our "war room" about a very important matter that needed prayer. As soon as I read that verse, I felt as if God was confirming those very words.

  I decided that I am declaring war. I am declaring war on fear and doubt. I am declaring war on confusion. I am declaring war on hopelessness. I am declaring war on division. I am declaring war on pride. I am declaring war on my inhibitions. I am declaring war on ungratefulness. I am declaring war on selfishness. I am declaring war on the lies. I am declaring war on the belief that we need to be afraid to talk about God. I am declaring war on allowing the secular world determine how Christians speak. I am declaring war on lies that we have believed that we were "born that way." I am declaring war against maliciousness. I am declaring war against arrogance. I am declaring war on the belief that we cannot rise above our circumstances. I am declaring war for the ones that are suffering some form of abuse. I am declaring war against separation and divorce. I am declaring war for the ones that are not strong enough to declare war themselves. The lines have been drawn and the battle cry has been heard. What side will you be on? Will you be bullied into believing that we cannot change our circumstances, America and even the world? Are you convinced that no one cares? Do you tell yourself that if you weren't here, you wouldn't even be missed? Have you been told you are worthless? Do you see where our homes are headed? Do you see where America is headed? Are you blind, don't care or have been convinced that this is "progress"?

  STAND AND FIGHT something bigger than yourself. We are the Isrealites sitting in our camps surrounded by other soldiers that are being bullied by ONE Philistine. We are all sitting there biting our nails and talking to each other about the insurmountable odds that we are facing but aren't willing to TRY. I will be David and say, "Is there not a cause?" Stand and fight because God is bigger than any giant you face. He is bigger than any mountain that you climb. He is bigger than any bully you are facing. He is bigger than any obstacle that you are staring at. He is bigger than any hardened heart. He can conquer our foes if we will stand and fight. TRY. Don't wonder if prayer will change anything. Just do it. Don't say our nation is going to hell in a hand basket but refuse to go out and vote. Don't allow yourself to be abused and bullied without trying to fight in some way.

DECLARE WAR. I cannot fight all the battles that I am facing at one time, but I am not alone in the battles I face. I will not fight all these battles in a public setting or even in a voting booth but I will fight these battles on my knees. That may sound like surrender to the untrained ear but to me it sounds like imminent defeat of my foes. I will not take any injustice without a fight. I will not allow someone to bully me into surrendering my rights. I will not allow someone to take away my safety or the safety of those I love because their platform is bigger than mine. I know the One who created the tree and the humans that cut down that tree to make the wood of the platform that they stand on. My opposition will rise and fall but the power of my God will always be.

WHO'S SIDE ARE YOU ON? Pick a side. You cannot remain neutral in the fight that we are taking on in our homes, in America and in the world. Grow a backbone and pick a side. Quit worrying about what other people think. They can be on the losing side if they want to be. Show your kids how to fight and show them on bent knees.

STAND ALONE. Even if no one will join me, I will stand alone. If God is for me, I am never alone. If God used a donkey to open the eyes of Balaam, God can surely use me. Sometimes, you have to be completely against all odds in order for the world to see that it truly was God. No one will listen to you? You have done all you can do? PERFECT! Now let go and let God.

I declare war. I will step into my war room and strategize with my Commander and Chief and together, we will win this battle that I am fighting. Together we will show the ones that do not see how it looks to fight a battle on your knees. We will show the ones that do not believe what it looks like, in spite of all odds, to win a battle that was impossible to survive. Stand back and watch God as He moves mountains, defeats armies and changes a nation with the belief of one. Stand back as He takes the ones that were against me and with the sound of His voice they surrender. Stand back as He changes me. Stand back and watch as He takes His nail scarred hands that have scooped up little children and sat them on His knees, to take out my enemies. Be amazed at Who He is and what He will do. I declare war, will you?

LEAVE THE STUMP

   Daniel 4:14 & 15 "... Hew down the tree, and cut down the tree, and cut off the branches, shake off his leaves,and scatter his fruit: let the beasts get away from under it, and the fowls from his branches: Nethertheless, leave the stump of his roots in the earth, even with a band of iron and brass, in the tender grass of the field;..."
 
  When I was a young, naive adult, I was convinced that depression meant that you didn't have a relationship with God and the use of medication showed your lack of faith. There are so many variables in regards to medication so hold the debate on that. However, I went through a deep, dark and lonely depression. I felt so heavy. I felt hopeless. I felt like I would never recover. I felt like I was beyond recognition. Even if I prayed, God couldn't recognize the shell that I was. I hated nighttime but I hated trying to get out of bed even more. I WANTED to go out and have a good time but I couldn't get motivated. Everything that I said sounded negative. I put off a vibe where it felt as if I repelled people. I was in this place that I desperately wanted out of but couldn't move. I was weighed down and hated it.
  My world had completely changed. In some ways I was relieved to be out of a volitle situation and in other ways, I was lost. I could make my own decisions but everything was scary and seemed impossible. I walked with God. I knew He could change everything but it was if my humanity couldn't look through the darkness and see the Light. I didn't feel like I had any friends I could lean on. My family and I were not close at that time and I was scared of my ex. I lived in constant fear of my kids being taken away. I was working any side job I could find to put food on the table. I had a job of cleaning a rental property where I had to tuck my pants inside my jeans and tape my boots shut  so no creepy crawlers would get inside. I had to be careful to only step on floor joist because the animal waste had seeped through the carpet and the flooring until it was rotten. I pulled the carpet up, rolled it up and threw it on a trailer along with a black trash bag full of empty pill bottles. There were clothes, toys and a refrigerator and cabinets full of rotten food. I would go clean every day when the kids would leave for school and come home to throw my clothes directly into the washing machine in enough time to change and pick up the kids again. I loaded up an innumerable amount of trash into a truck and trailer and would unload it at a nearby dump. I did all that for less than you can imagine. It was enough to feed us on, pay some bills and attempt to keep my kids in school.
  No one knew. No one knew how much I would have liked to get gussied up and get my nails done or go to a 9-5 job and be able to make ends meet. No one knew how I would have like to have not slept every night with a knife in my hand and many hid all over the house. I would have liked to have gone to church to listen to the preacher instead of constantly looking for the nearest exit away from my ex just to get pinned in a corner with him. No one helped me. No one rescued me. No one knew.
  I felt low. I felt stupid for getting myself in that mess. I felt angry for feeling that I needed to hide my situation because I didn't want my kids having to live with "the sins of the father." I would lay in bed at night and the darkness felt like it would swallow me whole. As much as I hated the darkness, knowing that morning was coming wasn't any more of a relief. I prayed. I read my bible. I believed in God but I hadn't counted in my humanity. My humanity "weighed me down."
   It felt like there was a black hole looming and no matter where I went, it was there. If I thought I was walking away from it, I would look up and it would be even closer than before. I started feeling hopelessness creep into my mind. I started feeling muddled. I was so confused. Nothing in my life made sense. I didn't feel like anything else could hit me and make me feel any worse, any lower than I felt at that time. What I didn't realize when I was in "the pit" was God was still protecting me even when I felt the most vulnerable. He was still listening even when I thought He didn't even know who I was anymore. He took all my fruit, trimmed my limbs, and cut back my branches but he put a "band of brass and iron" to protect the stump that was me. He didn't allow my roots to be destroyed. He allowed me to be taken down to nothing but protected me in the process. I remained, rooted in Him. Then, before I even realized it, I started to grow again. His light came through. He put friends, verses, sermons, wisdom from my children, lessons from nature in front of my eyes and wouldn't relent until I saw His purpose for each thing.
  That pit still looms at times and I still bear scars but where all that was left of me was a stump, there now grows a budding tree. It was painful to grow but once I did, I started feeling hope once again. I started seeing that the fear and confusion was strategically put in my heart by the Devil to block God's voice. When I felt alone, it was my own humanity trying to tell God I could do it in my own strength. The people in my life that scared me, do not own me. I am a child of the King and He is my stay. (Psalms 18:17&18) I thank God every day that He "left the stump" and allowed me, in His sovereignty, to grow once again.
 

WHEN LOVE GETS TIRED

  I've heard many times that love can see you through. Love conquers all. Love is all you need. So... What happens when love gets tired? What happens when you are tired of covering sins with mountains of love? What happens when you love someone that continually hurts you? Can love run out? I've asked myself that so many times. How can someone take constant "abuse" and still love? The verse comes to mind, 1 Corinthians 13:4&7 where it talks of charity or love suffering long and endures all things. If that's the case, than doesn't that answer the question?

   You may think it sounds feeble to reference the Bible or even a way to justify my thoughts but hang with me for a minute. So many times I think about God's love towards His children and the love I have towards my own. How would I answer those questions I asked above if I view it from the love of a mother? Do we only display unconditional love for our children and not for our spouse, co-workers, friends and family? Think about how God created Eden. Everything was perfect. You couldn't have asked for anything better or more. Do you know what happened? They wanted the one thing they couldn't have and their perfect world was gone. What about our kids? We give them everything. We give them a home, clothes, food, love, discipline, schooling, college and much, much more. Are they satisfied? Do they REALLY appreciate what is given to them? Then, why do we love them still?

  I have this working theory about our spouses. We start dating and we feel like they are the answers to the questions we have. We feel that they are the "ying" to our "yang" and then it happens. You've been married for a little while and they do that thing. You know the thing that makes your hair stand on end? Some days you can brush it off and others you feel like you will come unglued. You may have a little crack in your armor and they know exactly where it is and constantly poke at it causing the crack to get bigger and bigger. That amazing love you have for them starts getting depleted. Then, one day before you realized what happened, you don't even like each other much less love each other. The love that conquered all is failing you. What do you do? Does this mean that you have "fallen out" of love? Does this mean imminent divorce?

  I believe love is a choice. God didn't have to create us. He chose to. He chose to love His creation. He was selfless and that is what love is. Love sacrifices but because it is love, it doesn't feel as if it a sacrifice. I believe that is because God IS love (1 John 4:8). Therefore HIS love is perfect! Why does it seem that we can't cover those things with our own love? 1 John 4:12 says His love is perfected in us. Perfected means to bring to completion. We are a work in progress. We are incomplete. Only through God can we love like that. Where we are lacking, He is there. Where we struggle, He is the strength at the end of us to help us to keep going. You may think that God is only for weak people. Let me assure you that it takes a strong person to admit that they NEED Him. It takes a lot more for me to admit that I am lacking than it does for me to try to fix everything and everyone around me.

  Our love may get tired. We may get tired of being hurt over and over and over again and still loving the one that does the hurting but His love never tires. His love covers it all. If we utilize His strength and depend on HIM, our love will never tire because it is His love that will come through us. Think of this:
Did you know that the moon doesn't shine without the sun? The moon reflects the sun and shines on us all. Did you know that the moon only reflects in between 3 and 12% of the sunlight that hits it? Think about how bright the sun can be. Now, compare the moon to the sun. God is the sun and we are the moon. Do you see the difference? The moon has no significance unless the sun shines on it. It lights up the night sometimes but it also goes through phases. Sometimes the moon is closer to the one that is shines on and sometimes it is farther away. The moon is like a mirror, albeit not a clear one, that reflects the sun and shares that light with the earth.

   When your love is tired, are you reflecting the Son like you should be? How close are you to the ones you should be sharing your light with? What phase are you going through? We all go through phases, just as the moon goes through its phases. John 17:22 & 23, "And the glory which thou gavest me I have given them; that they may be one, even as we are one: I in them, and thou in me, that they may be made perfect in one; and that the world may know that thou hast sent me, and hast loved them, as though hast loved me."
We may get tired of the hurt, rejection or feeling like we are on repeat all the time but if we use the light/love that He gives us, we will not fail or falter.

JUST BREATHE

  I LOVE to write. I LOVE to talk to people too. When I write, I feel like someone else is on the other side of this screen that is drinking in what I am saying and will no longer feel alone in their struggle or getting a laugh at what I am saying. When I cannot sort through my emotions, I rarely talk about what it going on in my mind. If I do, I end up talking about things that has nothing to do with anything and rambling on about something completely insignificant. If I am struggling with confusion and anger and I speak or write, it will not be in the right spirit and I do not want to lead someone to think something that is incorrect about my life or about what action to take in their own. Therefore, I have not been as faithful in my blogging as I want to be. Sometimes, the struggle is currently going on or we are on the other side of it and it is too fresh.  I want those of you that enjoy my blogs to continue to do so and not feel the need to have me committed.

   I'm working on a project for an event coming up and in that work, I have been doing a little research on needing God DAILY. I believe that God is now trying me out to see if I believe what I say I believe. This week, I will be married for 10 months. To those of you that have been married for 20 years plus years, I can almost hear you chuckle as I say how thankful I am we made it for 10 months! My husband is a great man and I love him more than I ever knew possible to love someone that you have only known for such a short time. We are both divorced and are blending our families. You know you love each other when... One of my "whens" is making order out of chaos with our families. I have always like order and since we have been together that is not something I would associate with our lives or our house. I believe VERY strongly about just about everything and I have a very nonchalant husband. He is avid about his job and I about the children. We deal with our exes and our own emotions in regards to those exes. We deal with our guilt about not being with our children all the time and missing out on some of their milestones. We deal with different parenting methods. We deal with so many things, you wouldn't believe it or would have the time to read it all. It can be OVERWHELMING.
 
   Right before I sat down to write this, I had to take several deep breaths to calm my self down and get my heart rate back to normal. If I don't, I am at risk for having a panic attack. That's embarrassing to admit. When I was younger, I believed those attacks were a sign that the person didn't have enough faith. Now, I know it is when I am trying to depend on myself rather than on the Lord.  Lamentations 3:22-23 says, "It is of the Lord's mercies that we are not consumed, because his compassions fail not. They are new every morning: great it thy faithfulness." They are new every morning. I need that. My problem is, I try to take on a month at a time and sometimes a few years. When I think about the future in some areas, I cringe. I panic. I want to crawl in the bed and hide under the covers. I can't do that or I will forget to enjoy today and I won't be able to deal with it all. We aren't built to carry all of that at once. I know that, but sometimes I have to just breathe, shake off my worries while I am laying them in God's hands. I may have to do that every hour upon the hour but I do it.

    God has given you the very air you breathe and the ability to take that breath. Why would He waste time on something that precious? The answer is: He wouldn't. We are precious to Him. He tries us to make us grow. (Personally, I feel like I should be a giant by now) Growing is painful but it is necessary and if you know me, you know a little growth would do me some good!!  This may feel silly but it really works! Take a second and inhale really deep and let it out slowly. Now, do it again and think of those verses. Tell God that you are laying your worries, burdens and future in His capable hands and you NEED Him to get you through today. You may have to do that several times today and then again tomorrow but JUST BREATHE. He's got this!!

LIKE A STEP-CHILD

How many times have we teased each other saying things like, "I will beat/love you like a redhead step-child"? I was talking to a friend and made such a reference myself. I said, "A woman wants to be loved and cherished as a wife and not feel like a naughty step-child." I immediately felt ashamed. That phrase continued to echo in my mind for the next week. What does it mean to me?

   I met my stepchildren about a year and a half ago. I had high hopes and crazy notions that they would love me at first sight and I would heal all wounds and we would fit immediately. I've never met a kid that didn't like me, I would reassure myself. I was brimming with confidence. I guess I thought they would think of me like a fairy that could speak the language that they spoke with the power of my fairy dust. Here I come, full of smiles and some expectations of the magic that I had in tow. To my great surprise, they didn't believe in fairies at all! They looked at me like I carried a secret vile of poison on me at all times. I was an intruder. Their daddy was spending time with me and I was invading their space. What audacity! The littlest was 3 and literally wouldn't look in my direction. If I spoke, she acted like I didn't. I laughed about it but it broke my heart. The second weekend I spent time with them all together, the two oldest started fighting over a stick of deodorant. They were screaming, pulling hair and rolling on the ground. I felt like I was in a scene from "The parent trap" and it wasn't as fun on set as I thought it would be. Their dad didn't even notice until he turned around and saw my face. I'm pretty sure my eyes were as big as possible without popping out of my head and my mouth was wide open. So much for mastering my composure, it was over!

    A year and a half later, I have different aspirations. We all have a different relationship than we did then. I expect that will change every stage of their lives and it sometimes it changes daily. Loving a stepchild, a little person you have no connection with other than their parent, is something that is very hard to describe. I've learned to love them very much. At first, I felt a little threatened by them. Their daddy was completely different when they were around. If the girls wanted to go to McDonalds then that's what we did. If they didn't want to eat vegetables or if they wanted ice cream for supper, then by golly, that's what happened. I just about lost my mind. Bear in mind, I am serious about a schedule, making sure they eat properly and they have bows in the hair for church, and they go to bed at a decent time every night, etc. Give me a minute and I can give you a reason for everything I do. My husband is a fly by the seat if ya britches person. Give them what they want it will be ok. Within a few short months they were a part of "Stacy's boot camp". That was NOT the thing to do. They didn't know me and they for sure didn't care to listen to me. It got much worse. Our relationships all suffered in my naivete. I have learned many important things since then. One thing was that love grows slowly and trust us even slower. I have went through some emotions towards them that even when I was in the struggle I knew it was unjust but I didn't know how to make my mind and my heart connect on it. I couldn't "turn off" the struggle even if I knew it wasn't rational.

  My bonus daughters represent love that isn't required but still given. There is no guarantee you will love your step kids and they you. They represent more prayers and grey hairs that will never be known. They represent more laundry, for sure! They bring laughter, tears, noise and a whole lot of mess. I strive every day to treat them as if they were my own, even when I don't feel like it. They represent their mother. They represent the children you will not have with their daddy. They represent the past. They bring in drama and destroy the peace but we treat them as if it's the best "disruption" ever and a lot of times, it is. They show me my weaknesses. Your children are very forgiving but your stepchildren (sometimes) are not as much. You don't have that bond like you do with your own children that comes naturally. You have to form it and it takes lots and lots of time. I believe that there is no love like a stepmomma's love. I don't say these things for praise. It is rare a stepmom gets praise. She is more likely to receive criticism. You are the referee. You are the one that ends up being the mediator. When things go awry and they will, you take the blame. Yet, you cannot help but love so deeply even when/if it isn't returned. What does "like a step-child" mean to me?  To be treated like a stepchild is to be chosen to be loved beyond measure and without natural cause. Isn't that the same love that God gives to us? A love without measure. A love that will never be returned in the same way. What love! He gave and expected nothing in return. What an amazing gift to give your stepchildren. What a beautiful picture of God that we can paint every day for them to remember, value and never leave them no matter where they go in life. I am so grateful that I get that opportunity and pray that I paint the picture worth of their viewing.

IT'S SUCH A HAPPY PLACE

   Have you ever been so happy you feel as if it will bubble out of you? It makes you feel as if a piece of the sun has made it's home in your breast.You feel as if everywhere you go, flowers bloom inside your very footsteps and the birds are singing the song that is playing in your heart. No matter what anyone says to you, you still have a bit of a smile permanently on your face.

   A few short years ago, I remember having the very opposite feelings. I felt so heavy all the time. It took effort to breathe. When people spoke to me, I felt as if I was in a haze. I constantly had this feeling I was in a play that I wasn't allowed to have an intermission during. I rarely laughed and if I ever did, it sounded odd and hollow to my own ears. I had a permanent worried look on my face. My children even told me they missed their mom. We loved each other but we carried the weight of the world on our shoulders. We didn't have that carefree spirit and laughter that we do now.

   Fast forward to the present. I am happy and even satisfied. I feel as if I finally have a "normal" life (of sorts). Those of you that truly know me, know I can never be normal but to my standards, I am. I have that relationship that you love each other dearly but sometimes hear the "ding" of the bell when the next round begins. I have a beautiful husband (he LOVES when I say that) that has an incredible work ethic and loves deeply. He makes my heart skip a beat when I see him. I despise the mud that finds it's way in my house from his work boots but I love it too. I love that I see his ginormous boot prints outside where he has been working. The piles he leaves when we are working on his estimates for work, frustrates me to no end but I cannot express how thankful I am for them too. He loves his work. He takes pride in it and he thrives the busier he is. Not only that, but I have always wanted a big family and now I have one. I wanted 4 boys and for some reason the genders got mixed up in that prayer request. I have 4 girls and 1 boy. Please pity him, he loves the sympathy! We have a chaotic home. Most of our weekends we have 3 little hurricanes blow in and back out again. We are rarely home, it seems like. Our home is clean but it's not as tidy as it is in my head. I didn't feel nearly as challenged when I was teaching 2 kids to keep their rooms clean and helping me with the house, than I do with 5. Now that I have added 3 more kids, I am running in circles!
  Our house isn't perfect but it is more than just a house to us. The molding needs to be caulked and repainted. We still haven't redone the bathrooms and we need to replace all the windows. Do you know that there's improvements done to this house that you may never know about by looking at it? In each room lies someone that their hearts have been broken but mended. In each room lies a person, whether big or small, that has found an oasis. They have found a place that they can come and not be judged. They can be themselves and be comfortable in their own skin. They are encouraged to be confident but to also be thankful for the talents that they have. In each room, there is someone that is learning to dream and starting to believe it can be a reality. These couches, that have seen better days, are where we sit to watch movies together, have lessons or where the judges sit in rapture while we judge each person entered in the bi-monthly"dance off". This house is more than the place that we sleep, it is the place that we come when we want to hide from the world, to play or just to be.

   A few days ago, I planned a Valentine's day party for our little family. I decorated with raffia (which the kids thought was toilet paper), red and pink hearts, candles everywhere, place cards with special messages in them, red glasses with sparkling grape juice, a chocolate heart from Robby and a special meal that everyone loved. Once we all sat down and took a selfie with my handy dandy selfie stick, I went around the table and told each person something I loved about them. (I'm generally not a crier unless it has to do with my kids and I turn sappy.) Some of us were fighting tears and I was losing my battle. I asked the children if they wanted to say something. They took turns sharing some things they loved about each other or us as a family. One of the children said, "I love our home. It's such a happy place. I love this family because we stand together."

   Have your children ever told you your home is a happy place? I remember my home life from the time I was very young. Our home was fun but I do not remember feeling like our home was happy. I don't mean that to be a slight on my parents at all. That's just not an emotion I remember feeling. I just wonder how many children that have their parents still together, live in a Christian home, and go to church have said that statement. Honestly, it made me stop. I kept looking at them all and wondering, "Do you all feel that way?" I think back to when I am disciplining or admonishing the children for various things all kids do and worrying through the night that they will be scarred for life. I wonder how  they can still say that when they have to go through "the switch" every weekend. I've never lavished my kids with gifts and trips to assuage my guilt because of the divorce or because I worked a full time job and sometimes 2 when I was single. I look at others that have done that and wonder if their children feel happy. Would mine be happier if I did? I have never associated happiness with things and I believe that is probably the general consensus.

  There has never been something I have prayed for more (that isn't spiritually related) than for our kids to say their home is a happy place. Those little handmade decorations didn't seem so silly anymore. They could have been made of gold and I wouldn't have valued them more than I did than what the children said as we sat at the table with the glow of candles all around us sharing their hearts. Our home, is such a happy place.

BY HIS FEET

Every week I write a letter to one of Robby's girls. This week, I decided to share one of the letters I wrote to all three of them. The truth of it deserves to be shared.

Dear girls,

  This week I wanted to write a letter to all of you. I hope Kayden will read this to you before bed, when the house is quiet and you can concentrate on my story.
   When we were at Em’s party I noticed something. Do you remember where McKenna laid the gifts everyone brought? Take a minute and think about it… She laid them at Nate’s feet. Even if Em would have been feeling better, those gift would have been laid at her feet. Doesn't that sound like silly that I noticed that. Do you know why I noticed it? I believe God made sure I was paying attention because the entire weekend I thought about gifts.
  
 Do you know that all 3 of you are a gift? Did you know God gave you to your parents as a gift? Some people cannot have children at all, other than through adoption, but He gave her and your dad THREE gifts!
  Think about when you really want to buy a gift for someone.You save your money, think long and hard on what you want to give someone else because you love them so much and want to see them happy. You give your time and sometimes you give your money (Both of those are VERY valuable, like treasure) and then, what you do with that gift? You lay them at the feet of the one you got the gift for.  One day, when we are in Heaven, God will give us crowns for what we do and how we serve Him on earth. Do you know what the Bible says we will do with those crowns? I bet you can guess. (You will have to tell me who guessed correctly) I imagine, we will get those crowns, hold them, admire them and maybe even try them on just to see if they really fit and then…. We will lay them at Jesus feet! Just like those gifts that were worked so hard for. Doesn't that sound silly? Why would someone spend their whole life serving God just to get a reward and not take it? You may not understand now, but serving the Lord IS the reward!

   God gave our children to us and those children were God’s treasures! You were God's gifts that He gave us, remember? Do you know what we did in return? Guess!! I bet you can't guess it… We gave our children (you) BACK to God! WE LAID YOU AT HIS FEET!  Can you imagine getting a gift and knowing the person loved that gift SO much that you gave it back to them instead of keeping it? Wouldn't that have seemed funny if Nate would have given all those presents back? You would have NEVER forgotten that party, ever!

 What I mean is, God loves you more than anyone else does, even more than we do! Kayden, grab your Bible and look up John 3:16. Now, read it to the girls. Jesus loved us so much that He DIED for us! Now THAT is love! We knew how much God loves each and every one of you so we decided that we would raise you to love and serve the Lord and in doing that, we laid our 5 gifts (Jayden, Kayden, Chloe, McKenna and Skylar) down at Jesus feet.  We gave up what we wanted and decided to raise you the way God wants, even when it is hard. THAT’S how much you are loved… Our most valuable things in this world isn't our house, cars, money or popularity, it is YOU!
   When God gave you to us, He gave us our own little pieces of sunshine, laughter and chaos! He gave us a piece of His heart tucked away inside of YOU! That's how special you are! Kayden, now look up, Psalms 139:14 and read that as well. Did you catch that? God said we are “fearfully and wonderfully made.” Have you ever seen something so beautiful you didn't know how to describe it or maybe you gasped when you saw it? That is what we are to God. We are one of His most valuable things in His creation. Isn't that amazing? We are God’s crown with priceless jewels all over it.

   Sometimes, we may have to be tough. We may have to discipline or get tough with you but it is ONLY because we are trying to raise our “gifts” the way God would have us raise them. Why is it SO important for us to teach you to have a positive (good) attitude and look at the good people do and not their mistakes? Why is it SO important for us to be kind to other people? What does it matter if we go to church? All of those things are SO important because those are the things that God wants us to teach you. We cannot always be with you but God is. When you are scared, lonely, confused, angry, happy, excited, God is there. Always! Our reward isn't getting a crown in heaven for helping to raise 5, wild children. Our reward is in raising you. Our reward is hearing you pray at the table before our meals and before bedtime. It is hearing what each of you said about what you love about each other at our family Valentine’s Day party. It is seeing you learning. It is seeing you be kind and sharing that kindness with others. Our reward is YOU!!!

  We hope you will share your kindness, your heart and Jesus with those around you. I hope you give Him thanks before you eat and before you lay your head on your pillow every night when you are not with us. We love you so much!

  This weekend we will be celebrating the one, the only Kaaaaaaayden’s TENTH birthday party!! Bring your dancing shoes and your best moves and meet me at the skating rink!

We love you sweet girls! XOXO

  I hope you can see the picture that I am trying to paint. We need to hear that we are God's greatest treasures but can you imagine how much more our children need to know it? If you have a situation that your kids have 2 homes and you may not know what they experience during that time, allow me to tell you something that someone reminded me of lately. Strengthen their relationship with God because He is with them when you are not. He will ALWAYS be with them.
  In the past several weeks, I have realized that I am trying so hard to make up for what the girls do not know, that I have forgotten my kids need this as well. I have purposed in my heart to reach out to my own children spiritually more than I have been. I used to really struggle with the fact I was always the "good kid" because I was left alone by the adults because they knew I did what I was supposed to. I craved knowledge spiritually and academically but most people took it for granted that I already knew the things they were teaching. PLEASE don't assume your kids know how amazing they are, not just to you but to God. I am looking forward to seeing my kids put their most valued possessions at Jesus' feet. When that happens, I believe that I will have insurmountable satisfaction because at that moment, I will see my gifts that He gave me at His feet.

THE COACHES BOX

  One of my greatest fears in my life is to fail to make God real to my kids. I pray that they aren't blinded by my humanity and fail to see the Light in me. I pray that experiencing parents that were divorced when they were at such a young and impressionable age, will not provide a life-long excuse for every inadequacy and failure. I want them to be more compassionate, loving and discerning than they would have been if their dad and I were to stay together.

  A few nights ago, my son had decided he would protest his current circumstances to someone that loves that kind of ammunition for a "rainy day." I was hurt. I was angry and I was very disappointed. When I found out, I gave it about 30 minutes and walked back into his room to confront him about what I had discovered. You know, it is very hard to talk to someone logically when they hurt you. It is even harder when that person is totally clueless about the amount of damage they could cause because they were naive. For the next 15 minutes I lectured, scolded and tried to make him understand that you do not "throw a fit" (verbally) because you aren't getting your way. I ask him if he knew that he gave that person ammunition and he said he did. WOW! Talk about removing the knife from your heart... That was rough. Afterwards, I sat on the couch trying to focus on what was I was watching, very unsuccessfully. I felt AWFUL!! He needed what I gave him but every time I get on to the children, I worry nonstop if I said the right things, went too far or if I scarred them for life. I made it plain that he had to take what was given without a comment or tear but an hour later, I walked by his room and heard what I was dreading to hear. He was crying. Do you know how awful it feels to see tears on this little mans face that is almost as tall as I am? I guessed he was upset about our one-sided conversation. Instead, he was upset about a whole different thing that I would have never guessed.
 
   I asked him what was wrong and he said that he just wished his dad and I were together still. "I hate divorce. I just want everything to be perfect and it isn't." (Tell me your heart didn't break a little bit because mine did.) You know that moment when your life flashes before your eyes in a split second? I had that. I envisioned his dad and I together. I remembered when we laughed together. I remembered when the kids were born. I remembered the end of our marriage and the times in between. It wasn't perfect and I told him so. Both of my children tell me that their dad was happier when we were together. It feels like my heart is a brick when they say that. "I promise you that I did everything I could to prevent our divorce." Those promises felt empty when his face showed the pain his heart was feeling. "The divorce happened and this is our life. Daddy is re-married and so am I. No amount of wishing changes that. Did you know that I struggled when my parents divorced? My reasons were a little different than yours but I did struggle. You were just born and I felt like a 12 year old child in the turmoil that I had in my mind and heart." His little brow furrowed for a second and he listen as if something I said would make all of this okay again. "You cannot resent Robby because he isn't your daddy and you cannot resent Heidi because she isn't me. That isn't fair. This is our life and life is NEVER perfect. It is almost always messy. If you wait to be happy until life is perfect, you will never find happiness. Happiness comes from within and it comes from God."

  "Do you remember when we watched the Panthers play, the coaches have on headphones with a microphone? They were talking to other coaches in the coaches box way above the field, the teams playing and the people cheering them on. They are way up there because they can see everything. They have a view of the teams, the plays and even what they should do to help anticipate what the opposing team is going to do. That is what God does for us. He is in our coaches box. He can see EVERYTHING. He knew the decisions we would make to wind up here. He knew your heartbreak before you shed the first tear. You have to trust that God wants you to win and that He knows the best plays to get you there. He is calling those plays down to me, your teachers and to the Pastor. Right now, we are the ones that tells you the plays He tells us to call. Eventually, you will be the one wearing the headphones and it will be your choice whether or not to listen to the Coach in the box. Personally, I believe going through this divorce and learning to cope with the consequences of it is going to make you a kinder and more compassionate man. I believe it will help you make a better decision when it comes to picking a spouse. I know it is rough and you may always struggle in some ways but don't give up on your coaches. Listen and trust us. One day, you will understand why we made the calls we made."

   It was a reminder that I may be happy in my marriage and be healing but they will struggle with the divorce long after my scars have healed. Their little hearts will always be tender towards what they went through. It was a reminder to be more aware of the struggles they currently are having. It was a challenge to keep communicating to the ones that impact their life as well. My heart breaks when they hurt but it was a reminder that God was in my coaches box and calling the plays that I needed in order to be victorious. Listen, trust and run the plays with the knowledge our "Coach" wants us to win even more than we do!

RELEASE ME

   Recently, I had an encounter with a prominent person from my past. We will call her Gertrude to protect the innocent. Gertie was one that I was warned against as a teenager. In my mind, the source wasn't very reliable so I disregarded the warning. Looking back, it should have been taken a little more seriously. She was my teacher and trainer of sorts. She taught me to be suspicious of everyone's intentions and kept a meticulous "ledger" of every mistake that I made. Later, Gertrude shared it with me. She made a statement to me when my marriage had ended that wasn't to comfort but rather to push me into the despair she thought I was on the brink of. "One day, your pictures will be replaced by another women. You will soon be forgotten to us. Someone else will be helping to raise your children because of your decisions."

  During that time, God had moved within me in a way I never thought possible. I was granted a great insight to that teacher and many more with the same type of comments. It took the strength that I didn't posses to forgive them all. It still does. When I walked up to Gertrude 3 years later and tried to pretend business as usual, she made it clear to me that she had not changed her opinion of me a bit. At first, I felt sad and then angry. Finally, I felt relief. Relief that if I still grate on her nerves and don't meet with her approval. It showed me that I am doing something right! I don't want to be approved by someone that won't allow anyone to be human. I don't want to be approved by someone that has caused devastation in the wake of their self appointed position as judge, jury and executioner. I want to be loathed by the people that I refuse to be like and loved by the ones that are compassionate, true friends and are regular humans that need Jesus, just like me. I want to be loved by people that can overlook my imperfections and see my heart.

   I've had many people ask me questions about my divorce and how I coped with it in different areas. What I'm afraid is getting lost in the message is divorce is wrong. You don't get a divorce because he gets on your nerves or he is mean when he is mad. You don't get a divorce because his sins were more than yours. You don't get a divorce to get rid of problems.You don't get a divorce because you cannot forgive their past. I understand more and more every day why God doesn't like divorce. There are biblical reasons for divorce, I get that. I have been there but even then, you can still forgive, get help and become the couple God wants you to be. I believe our generation is full of weak people that quit instead of working harder. I did it. I gave forgiveness and I did my best to out it out of my mind. There is so much more about my situation that I cannot share with anyone. There is a point, even with the knowledge that you are "justified" in your situation, that you have to protect yourself. You have to do what is in the best interest of you, your family and right in the eyes of God. It took guts to end my marriage. I knew the fallout would be catastrophic and I still feel the effects. I knew I would be alone. I knew that only God knew the entire truth of what went on behind closed doors. Some people that I talk to, I feel so burdened for. Some, I'm amazed that they haven't been struck by lightning. Some have justified an affair. Some are just tired of him or her. Some, just don't want to put in the effort because they are selfish and some, of no fault of their own, now have a scarlet D on their forehead.

  Gertrude sat there looking at me through judgmental eyes, with a flaming tongue and a heart of stone and a pious look. I looked at her and, not even for a second, did I feel like I did 3 years ago. However, I wanted to plead with her. I wanted to ask her to release me from the past, to release me from the sins she puts at my feet and to allow her eyes to be opened and see who I really am. I didn't feel like cowering in front of her and begging for her approval. I had grown through her teaching in a much different way than she ever knew. I was relieved that I did not have to deal with her unless it was of my choosing. I live with the knowledge that my children can be touched by that poison but I send them in armed with the love of Christ and a spirit of grace. Prayerfully, through my own learning from Gertie's teachings, my children can be spared.

   The ironic thing about the entire encounter was I still loved her. I still felt compassion. It used to aggravate me that I could love people that have done everything in their power to destroy me. Now, I'm thankful for it. God put that there. I believe He wants us to know what it is like to love people that try to destroy you, to love the ones that don't understand the truth. He wants us to know Him and only through that type of love can He truly be known.

  No matter who has purposefully tried to hurt you, broadcast your personal life, not allowed you to make mistakes, destroyed your world, has tried to take away your dignity, destroy your marriage, or has managed to make you feel insignificant. You can rise above that and love them in spite of the damage they have tried to do to you. It doesn't seem fair that they get love instead of retribution but it is mercy that sets you apart. My prayer is that we will be a teacher ourselves but instead of teaching to be suspicious of everyone's intentions and how to keep a "ledger" of everyone's mistakes, we can be the kind of teacher that teaches and shows, forgiveness, love, grace and mercy. We can release someone from the bondage we put them in through our own prejudices. We can forgive them and grant them freedom. What kind of teacher will we choose to be?

I DESPISE THAT YOU MAKE ME CARE

  Today, I would have been married twelve years. I swear it seems longer than that but it would have been my anniversary. I do not advocate for divorce and every day I realize why God stands so strongly against it. Please don't misinterpret what I'm saying but I am happier today than I ever thought possible. My life, in many ways, is harder than it was 12 years ago. I was so young and innocent and had the world at my feet. Now, I feel like I've climbed a mountain every other morning before 8 and feel like I have the weight of the world on my shoulders on the other days but I'm happy.

  I do not want to be forgotten. I was there at the beginning. I went through all the painful growth and messes and I bore the children. I feel like driving over to the church where we were married and planting a flag in the yard! Wouldn't that be a sight? Sometimes I want to tell every sordid detail. I want to share the laughs and the tears but all of that is packed away in a different chapter, in a different book, in a different series that's stored in a different lifetime. I've talked to other women who have gone through divorce and I believe there's a general feeling of unfinished business. I like things a certain way and in a certain place. I'm that way with my relationships. I don't do messy. When you plan a life with someone and even have children with them, you are forever tied to them. Those dreams can no longer be fulfilled but the one that you shared those dreams and children with is still around. It feels wrong. It is wrong. When you parent your child, you feel alone even if you have an ex that coparents. You still feel like you are fighting a battle with a spoon and no protection.

  In the midst of this epiphany, I realized for the first time, that I despise the fact that I care. I'm afraid of caring too deeply for the girls, for his family, for the new relationships we are forming. I'm afraid if I care, something will happen and it will all be gone. I'm afraid that I care for others and they don't return that feeling. I'm afraid to get close to anyone that was friends with Robby's ex. I'm afraid that everything I do and say is being weighed. It's debilitating at times. When I hear myself talk around those people, I sound like a stranger to my own ears. I go home and go through every conversation and wonder if they interpreted what I was saying the way it was intended. Did I sound like I was whining or negative? Was I laughing too much? Was I too strict on the girls? Do I teach them enough? What do they see what they watch us? Do they like what their home is becoming since their dad and I have been married?

  It's hard to miss them. It's hard to feel like if you don't entertain them, they won't want to come. If you have rules, they will hate you. I miss my own kids on the weekends but missing the girls is harder. I'm not their mom. I really do realize that. It's different with kids that aren't your own. Your kids love you because you are their mom. Other kids, they aren't required to love you or even like you. I'm scared every day that I turned everyone's world upside down and they miss what used to be. I despise that they have made me care. Used to, I could hang around other people's kids and be the entertainer, go home and not have to worry about what they go through during the week, what they do and don't know and what they are hearing about me every day. There's no attachment. It's a different ballgame now.

  If I could hold myself aloof from all of them, I would have less worries.  If I didn't care... I would miss so much. I would miss the lessons and the play acting. I would miss the mess and the constant fact that my house looks like miniature tornados came through (well, I don't think I would miss the mess), the little arms wrapped around my neck before bed and wet kisses, the letters I write every week, the times they burst through the door. I would miss the children's growth, tears, laughter, concerns, school work, hearing them pray and leading them to the Lord. I would miss so much. If I hold myself at arms length and constantly worry about what everyone is thinking, I will run through myself pleasing people that in the end, won't matter. I'll lose my mind wandering if I'm doing everything right. There's only One person I want to please and only one true guideline I need to follow. If I don't let down my guard and make new friends, whether I get burnt or not, I'll never grow. If every man is your teacher, I have an opportunity to learn.

 Sometimes, I do despise that I care. It seems to get me into more trouble. Mostly, I'm thankful where my life is now. If you compare my life to 12 years ago, I'm so thankful who I am and where I am now. I'm a richer person for it. Yes, it can be scary, frustrating and exhausting but it can also be exciting, amazing and rejuvenating. If you have experienced this, don't hold yourself at arms length. Don't spend any time worrying about what anyone else thinks. If we are pleasing the Lord, that's all that matters! He will send the right friends and He will give us what we need for what we are going through! Let's be real, if you've ever met me, you've never forgotten it!