WHERE DO I GO FROM HERE?

    I don't know what to do!!! Where do I go from here? What am I supposed to feel like? What is my life going to be like? Is there something wrong with me? Where is God in all of this?
   These questions have kept me company for going on a year. Some more than others. I was a preacher's kid. DON'T quit reading! Haha! I grew up pretty much in a fish bowl. Everything we did we were scrutinized unmercifully sometimes. We had people leave the church saying it was something we did as kids. Honestly, they were looking for an excuse, but that was hard for a kid to swallow and not knowing what in the world we could have done to cause that. My life was mapped out for me for as long as I can remember. My dad and I had these discussions a lot growing up. I was going to attend the Christian college he attended. I would get my Bachelor's and possibly my Master's degree. I would meet Mr. Right and get married. My first kiss would be at the alter. We would be married for two years and have our first child then space however more children we had every two years. This was the plan. None of that happened. Just so you know!
  I went to college for one year and had my heart broken. I didn't even think I would be able to breathe again much less continue on at that college. I met another fellow shortly after. We started dating on the rebound and got married a year later. We were pregnant within the year, on birth control.  Then, we got pregnant again when he was eleven months old, counting days. Any kind of prevention didn't work for us.....
    We were young and so naive. There were so many things working against us that I didn't even know about until YEARS later. I had given this man EVERYTHING. He was my first in every category there was. I had his children and now we aren't even married anymore. (I am not proclaiming that I was a perfect wife either) Where do I go from here?
   Marriage is for life and it is over and I am still here. How am I supposed to feel now? Does that mean my life is over? A guy looks at me and I feel for the ring on my left finger and it is no longer there. Men started coming out of the woodwork thinking I was an easy target, married or not. It made me feel dirty. I was supposed to be married. How do you switch your mind to the fact that you are single? What is my life going to be like? I am alone. I have no degree. I have no career. I have no "fall back". My first priority is being a mom. I  am not a career mom. Will I be able to see any of my dreams happen?
   Everything looked scary. Someone that I thought loved me like a daughter wrote ugly letters to me telling me that everything was my fault. Everything rested on my shoulders. My children's lives were in turmoil because of me. I asked myself over and over again, is that true? Did I MAKE this happen. Did I push him towards these decisions?
  I took a step back and looked at my life as if I was talking to someone I didn't know. No, I was not perfect and blameless for some of the problems early on. Did I cause this to happen? No. You cannot force someone to love you or be loyal to you. You cannot choose good FOR them or MAKE them do the right thing. You are not a warden, a mother or an enforcer. One day you will be held accountable for YOUR sins, not your spouses. You will have to live with YOUR choices and the reactions you have had to other peoples choices.
    The world is a big place, but it is small all the same. It is open to anything. This is your chance to have a new life. This is a game changer. What are you going to do with it? What will you become from this hard time in your life? Your life can be something beautiful! Don't give those people the power over you to make you bitter, mad, angry or resentful. It isn't up to you to take vengeance on them. They will have to live with themselves. Sometimes that is the best punishment.
   Think about what you are good at. If you don't know, ask your friends. Figure out what your gift is and use it in a good way. Mine is the gift of gab, obviously. I have been devoting myself to women that are going through what I have been through. A lot of times I felt utterly alone. I didn't want to "burden" anyone so I sat there feeling like my heart would quit beating at any moment because it hurt so bad and I didn't tell a soul. DON'T DO THAT! Do not attempt to go through this alone. We aren't meant to. First of all, we have a Heavenly Father who is waiting in anticipation for you to say, "I need you." Secondly, I am here. Thirdly, I could just about bet you that you have friends that would come to you in a second to make sure you are okay.
  I have taken that love for other people and am now getting my degree in Psychology and minoring in Christian Counselling. I am completing my first book. I started this blog and a Facebook page called "Take a Leap". I am dong everything I can to help others, and in that, I have found healing. You can too!
  Where is God in all this? Let me tell you. God is always here. You may not be able to hear Him because your sobs are drowning out His voice. You may not be able to feel Him because all you feel is pain, but just know He is there. He is that weird calmness you get and that little voice that tells you that you are alright. He is there waiting for you to realize that you are stronger when you figure out you cannot do it alone. He made you just the way you are for a purpose. Find that purpose. Live a happy and fulfilled life with Him as your guide. That is some of the best "revenge" you can get. YOU CAN DO THIS!! Sometimes it is minute to minute. Then, it will be hour by hour. Then, day by day. Then before long you are sharing your story with someone else helping them get through the night.
   You can find healing and purpose in your life, no matter what God allowed to come your way. You do not have to understand it or make sense of it. You just need to trust Him. He can make someone that has been broken into something beautiful!!