I AM NOT IN CONTROL

    When you cannot think of what to pray because there is too much at one time, God hears your sighs. 

    When you cannot see the reasoning behind the hard times, God has a plan. 

    When justice doesn't seem to get served, God hears your frustrations.

        When you are too tired to be angry, God knows.

    When you cannot imagine why this is happening to you, God will show you.

    When it cannot happen fast enough, God's timing will be revealed.

    When you have lost it all, God is still there. 

    When you cannot sleep for the worry not allowing your mind to rest, God will take care of it. 

    When you cannot take one... more.... step, God will carry you.

    When you cannot feel Him there, God is too close to feel where you stop and where He begins.

When you have cried so much you cannot cry anymore, God is catching your tears. 

When you cannot do one more thing to make it all work, God is waiting for you to realize,

 He did it all for you. 

When all there is is confusion, God will make His way plain. 

When all the voices are overwhelming and you don't know which one to listen to,

 God's will be the still small voice.

When you feel all alone in a crowded room, God has been there.

When you see success in others with no depth, God is still just. 

When you feel like you cannot hurt because others would think less of you,
 God knows your heart.

When you are just angry and want retribution, God is the judge.

When you feel like all you do well is make mistakes, God will see you through.

When you feel unlovable, God loves you.

When you feel unworthy, God made you worthy.

When you feel ugly, God wrote "we are fearfully and wonderfully made."

When you feel like a failure, God can use you even more. 

When you can't feel at all, God is waiting for you.

When you cannot see through the chaos, God is fixing to show you the way.

When it is easier to tell someone what to do than know it for yourself, you are not alone.

  I am at a loss and that is okay. I don't have to be perfect. I don't have to have all of the answers. I can be human. God doesn't love me because I attempt perfection. God loves me because He just loves me. There is nothing I can do to make Him love me more. There is nothing I can do to make Him love me less. I don't understand certain things, and I don't have to. I have to trust. That doesn't mean I haven't cried until I cannot cry anymore. It doesn't mean I don't lose sleep. It just means that I know that I am not I control. I do not "get" things going on in my life or why it seems like everything has to be so difficult. If I know nothing else in my life, I know God loves me. He is real and He loves ME. I am redeemed. He looked through time and saw my face. He knew the hairs on my head at that point in time. He knew my name. He knew the mistakes I would make and He knew what my life would be like. He knew me and He died for me. If no one else in the world existed, He would have died for me. I know that for sure. Everything else is negotiable. I am praising the Lord and thanking Him for getting me to where I am. It is up to Him if I am to go any further. I am embracing my humanity and acknowledging that I am not in control.

KEPT OR CONQUEST

 Since the beginning of time, men have like to conquer, whether it be a patch of land, a mountain, or a city. I don't want to be conquered. I want to be kept. I am a strong woman but I don't want to have to be strong all the time. I don't cry often but I want to be allowed the pleasure of being emotional when the need arises. I am not perfect but I want to be treasured. I have a mind of my own and want to be valued for it not patted on the head and sent off like a child. I have dreams and desires and would love to be supported in them. I don't want to be the next conquest on someone's check list. I want to be the one that his soul desires. I don't want to be a stand in until something better comes along or a warm body to keep one from loneliness. I don't want to have to feel like I have to attempt perfection to please someone. I don't want to become something I am not in order for someone to love me. I don't want to be measured by my possessions. I want to be seen for me and not be found lacking. I want to be loved from the top of my head to the tips of my toes and everything in between.

  To be kept. Not as a trophy but as something that is priceless. Someone whose value cannot be measured. I don't want to be a novelty or the one who got away but now is free to pursue again. I want to be held like I may break. I want to be loved like it is our last day on earth. I want to be romanced. I want to be spun around and held close. I want to be hand in hand with someone that looks at me like I am the only girl in the room. I want someone to guide me not push me around. I want to someone to not be able to get enough of me they have to touch my hand or arm when they walk by me just because. I don't want to be ridiculed for my beliefs but supported and agreed with. I want someone who parents with me not against me. I want someone who isn't afraid of a debate. I want to be able to give myself wholly and not be afraid that I'm not the only one in their life.

  What am I willing to do to not give up those wants and desires? I am willing to not settle for less. I am willing to keep the hope alive that God will give me someone that will feel that way about me and I them. I am willing to give them the same. I am willing to surpass their desires and help them fly beyond their dreams. I am willing to be the best me I can be and give myself freely.

   Is it possible? Have I watched too many movies and listened to too many love songs? I believe that is the kind of love God intended on us knowing. We have such a hard time with unconditional love because it isn't the kind of love we give. We think less of ourselves so we settle for less than the Lord wants for us. There is so much that God wants for us but we don't ask. "Ye have not because ye ask not." Here I am asking, dreaming, hoping, desiring for something more than a conquest. I am asking to experience love that is timeless and to be kept forever.

THE FOG

     This morning I was coming down the mountain through a very thick fog. It was so beautiful and eerie all at the same time. It was still. There was a slight dampness in the air. You could faintly see the trees beside of the road and nothing beyond. I knew there were other trees out there, but you couldn't even see a trace of them. The road I was travelling down was barely wide enough for two cars to pass each other. On one side there was the mountain and most of the time rocks were protruding from it. On the other side, there was an extreme drop off. It is a beautiful winding road with hair pin curves and steep inclines. On a clear day, you can see for miles. There is something so amazing about driving through that thick fog and get in the middle of a curve and you can see your surroundings. The fog is behind you, above you and up ahead but for that moment, you can see everything. It means that we are getting close to being out in the sun. I travel on just a few more curves and hills and then it happens. I have driven out of the fog. It may be over me now, but I can see around me. I can see the buds in the trees and the birds flying from one branch to the other. I can see the houses and the trees. There is room now for me to pass another car without being pushed to the edge of the road. I look up and there isn't any sunshine, but I am below the fog.
Fog can be dangerous if you aren't alert. On the other hand, it blocked my view of the rocks and the drop off that surrounded me. The things that would normally make me  a little apprehensive were no longer on my mind. The fog blocked it all and created a white out of all of those things. It made me feel as if I was driving in the clouds. It did make it more difficult to see the other cars coming towards me, so it created a cautiousness instead of fear.
In my mind, I thanked God for sending the fog. I pretended He did it just for me. It has nothing to do with the warmth of the ground and the cool air, it was just for me. I have been walking around in a fog. I cannot see the forest, much less the trees. I have been riding through the clouds and have yet to see the ground. There is a stillness in my life and I feel as if I am the only one. All of the sudden, when I least expect it, I pass someone else in the same fog. I am in that curve. The one where the fog has cleared for a moment. I am driving towards more fog, but in that moment, I know I am fixing to see the sun. The stillness speaks to me louder than anything else. A voice echos in my mind, "Be still and know that I am God." I am travelling on and am quiet. I am trying to keep my focus on the road before me and not trying to see the trees or the mountain. If I keep my eyes ahead, I will be safe. If I keep my mind in tune with what I am supposed to do, then it won't matter what I can or cannot see. I am not in control of that anyway. The fog is not lifting, I am driving below it. Soon, I will see the sun. Soon, I will see the trees and the birds flying from branch to branch. Soon, my surroundings will be clear. Until then, I will be thankful for the fog that was sent to me.

A YEAR AGO

   One year ago today, everything in my life changed. The carpet that I was standing on was given a sound yank and I fell with quite a thud. I thought I had survived and was witness to a miracle in my life just to find out it was a farce. One side mocked me and laughed at me for feeling that I was special enough to be a part of a miracle. The other side told me that I gave it my all. In my mind I heard all the doubts. gossip and accusations being flung in my direction. I knew that I would be a single mom. My life would forever be changed. I would be labeled and discarded by some and a target for others. I knew in some ways I would be in the fight of my life, not just for my testimony but with my kids and my self worth.
  I felt like I fell down a rabbit hole and was sucked into a world that was bizarre and so unfamiliar. Before I went through a time where I doubted everything in my life and everything I had been taught. I had to take everything I knew and make sure it was both logical and Biblical. Not everything withstood the trial of fire. I have been amazed at how much I have learned this year. I am still amazed I can relive memories and still feel my chest tighten and have to talk my body out of a panic attack. I remember the good times. I refuse to forget the good stuff, even if it hurts. God did not create the event in my life. He simply allowed us to have a choice. Some do not make good decisions and then a lot of people have to suffer the consequences. God knew exactly what was happening and He was preparing me to deal with it. I prayed my whole entire life for God to use me. I told Him I would do ANYTHING and all He had to do was to make it clear what it was. Everyday I make the choice to do that "anything". I don't always get it right but I have the heart to do what God would ask of me. My life, after divorce, I have been trying to dedicate anything and everything I do to Him. I am NOT perfect. I mess up A LOT.  I do not want to go through this and it be a waste. I do not want to experience the pain and doubt and not benefit from it in some way.
  I went back through some messages to see how I handled things and what I said when the realization set in. It was no credit to me, but I couldn't believe my mind set. I was so honest and to the point but not vindictive. I couldn't believe the proclamations made and were not carried out. I wasn't surprised, but it was still hard to believe how quickly things turned. I cannot believe that was my life. I cannot believe how much faith I had that everything would be okay. I am ashamed of the doubt I have now sometimes.
  A year later and my life isn't how I would want it, but I am better off with the changes I have made and how I have grown. I still have a ways to go, but it wasn't undone in a day. I can't expect it to be better in a day either.
   Whether you stay or you leave, your life will be different. Don't expect by leaving a relationship that your problems will go away. You will just accumulate a whole new set of problems. You may be lonely in your marriage, but you will be lonely not married as well. You may be unhappy now, but what about when everything is on you and you are scrambling to make good choices for your family alone? Your spouse doesn't make you happy anymore? Is that their fault or yours? Is it worth a minute of fun or weakness to ruin the family your children have?
  I have told many people these same things when asked. If I could have chosen, I would be working on my 12th year of marriage right now. I would be in my own house and be having date night tonight. That wasn't a choice I was given by the decisions that were made. This year I am not standing on a carpet. I am standing on solid ground. I do not want to be unprepared for something that God may allow in my life. I still get emotional and confused and have doubts. I know that God is with me no matter what I do or don't do. He will be the One that comes to my aid. He will be the one standing with me in the good times and in the hard times. I want my children to look back on this time and see me standing strong in the Lord. I want them to be able to read any letters or messages and see that my attitude was how it should be. I don't want to be ashamed by a memory they have of me. This is a part of the legacy I am leaving for my children. What am I saying with my actions will leave a bigger impact than what I say with my words. A year ago today I thought my world was falling apart but in truth, it was falling together.

LETTING GO

  Have you ever noticed when you are going through a rough time, you can write some of the most sad songs, poems or articles? I have written some good ol' mullygrubbing stanzas. I have been my own worst enemy and finally defeated my gloomy thinking. In a way, it compares to trying to get a child to not use a pacifier. Some children quit using their pacifier but start sucking their thumb. It is hard to break that because it is attached. You can't take it away or throw it away.  You have to teach them to not suck on it or get them distracted so they will forget and break the habit. It isn't like I can go to the other room and escape my mind. It travels with me. The "ghosts" I have are locked away in my own head. When I hear about people trying to "find themselves", it's quite ironic when you think about it. You are with you all the time. How can you make a discovery when you are there the whole time? 

   My days have challenges in it just like everyone else. I still have some major obstacles to overcome. I still would like to find the one God intends on me sharing my life with. I would like to be able to have my own home and chickens and animals. I want my kids to be with me. I would like to have a job I enjoy. That is some things that are a part of my reality, but there is nowhere that says I have to figure it all out in one day. One thing at a time. I am tackling the things I can do and the rest is up to God. I am not a very patient person. When something goes awry, I do everything in my power to immediately find a solution. Sometimes, in my haste, I do not choose correctly. Sometimes, my emotions or pride guide me in the wrong direction. Eventually, I see my error and turn it around. Although,  I have never been very good at forgiving myself. If I messed up in school, made someone mad, hurt someone's feelings, sarcasm gone bad, it eats me up. It is all I can think about. I think of a million scenarios of how I could have done it different, better. Finally, I either figure out a way or making "penance" or make up my mind not to repeat that same mistake again and try to move on. I have been that way for as long as I can remember. 

  One of the many things I am so thankful is God's forgiveness. No matter what we do, say or think He forgives us. If we bring it up again and ask for forgiveness again, I always imagine God saying, "Let's see... you did what? Hhhhmm. Let me think. Wait! I almost have it! Nope. Don't remember anything like that happening." I love it!! It's like I am new with no mistakes. It is as if I am perfect. The kind of perfect I have always wanted to be. Can you imagine the remorse of the ones who crucified Christ? I believe there was a soldier the Bible talks about that acknowledged He was the Son of God. Can you imagine trying to feel forgiven after being a part of crucifying the only perfect man there ever was and realizing he did it for you? I definitely couldn't talk myself out of that one. Christ forgave them on the cross. "Father, forgive them for they know not what they do." How amazing! If only our forgiveness immolated that. 

   Lately, I have had some very stern discussions out loud, in my car towards some people that wronged me greatly and acted as though I was in the wrong. Honestly, some people would have had those discussions in person and not thought a thing about it. I wanted to myself. It was fueling my anger and making it bigger and bigger. What purpose would it serve to "tell them off"? All it would do is prove, in their mind, that they were right about me. It would cause words to be spoken in anger that would do some irreparable damage. In my mind, I tell myself, how glad I am that the mistakes I have made in my life are forgotten if by only one Person. How thankful I am! If it were me, would I want my friend to tell me everything I did wrong and make me feel a little less than dirt? Wouldn't I want compassion even if it doesn't feel like it is deserved? 

  Today, I am letting go. I am letting go of the wrongs and hurt that I have experienced. Sometimes, it creeps back up on me and I have those old feeling pop up. Forgiveness isn't deserved. That's why it is forgiveness. It is never easy. It has to be given freely. As of right now, I am letting go of the judgments and the things I cannot change. I am forgiven. I HAVE forgive. I am free! 

THE TREE

   I was travelling with my mom and I looked out my window and saw tree that was very large at the bottom but it was twisted tightly around the remainder of the trunk. It was bent almost to the ground and right before it touched the ground, there was small branches that came out of the trunk and they curved back up and reached towards the sky. There was bark on the bottom of the tree but as it twisted it was smooth as could be. The trunk twisted until it came to the lowest part and then small branches were formed with tiny, dainty pink blossoms on them. It was so amazing. It was if time stood still for that moment in time and I took it all in. The truck was going 60 miles per hour, my hair was blowing crazily in the wind and the roar of the open window was just a faint sound as my mind had slowed time as I observed the tree.
   What an amazing testament I observed. That mighty regal tree with roots so deep and so large they were exposed at the bottom of the trunk. The tree had at one time stood tall and mighty and now it was mangled and twisted but its own way, beautiful. Time, a storm and wind had taken that tree and twisted it as if it was were a rag being rung out before it was hung to dry. The bark had been tore away from the trunk as if it were dust being blown off a table. It stood there in the field where it first took root. At one time it may have given shade to the cattle or had a child's swing tied in its limbs but now it was bent as if a large, strong hand pulled it over to see what was over the hill and the tree was in their way.
   It stuck with me. It seemed like such a parallel in my life. My roots ran deep in my beliefs and the relationships around me. Then through a series of storms I have been twisted and mangled and seemed as if there was no more purpose for me to remain. Then, when all seemed lost I branched out and started reaching towards the sky. Right when others thought that there was no evidence of life from the bend in my back and the stoop of my shoulders and my pride being stripped away, I began to grow. Something so amazing, tall and strong that seemed it couldn't be touched by anything was almost destroyed with seemingly no effort. Out of all the surrounding trees and some within throwing distance, why was that one touched? How did the path of the storm skirt around every tree but that one? What was the special thing about that tree? How did the tree survive such a radical thing? I don't know how long the tree had been mangled before it started growing and healing. I have no idea how many years it stood before the instance took place. I am not sure how it was mangled either. All I know is what it meant to me in that one moment in time.
  Thousands of people have passed by the tree and may have skimmed over it or may not have even noticed the tree. I did. I felt as though the Lord made that tree in that way to speak to me. He created it. He nurtured it with the sun, rain, clouds and a storm. He knew I needed that tree at that moment in time. It may have outlived its usefulness but not for me. Even if no one else was shaded by it or used its branches for a swing or climbed up the trunk, it is living strong in my mind. At one point someone may have looked at it and thought they should cut it down. For some reason it was allowed to remain. I can almost imagine the surprise when the tree started to bloom. I feel as if that will be me. I don't know where to go from here. I don't know what my job will be or where I will live. Every time I think I have that figured out, something happens. One day, when we least expect it, my blooms will appear and everyone around me will get to enjoy the beauty the Lord has given me. The Lord's timing isn't mine but I trust Him. I need Him to show up for me in a big way, but until then I will bloom where I am planted.

STEPPING STONES

   I have had such a time lately putting anything down on paper. I have been going through such a confusing time lately. Just when I think I have everything mapped out and a plan, I then I doubt myself and am thrown into a whirlwind of confusion. A great friend told me that the things we go through can be stepping stones to greater things. Another told me that something that may seem like a mistake may be a choice that had to make, to get where I am. I have went back to my original plan right after my divorce was final. I felt the most confident and felt like I was going "home" in my mind. I have went through a yo-yo of a couple months. I have went through doubt and confusion and happiness and misery. I have gone up and down and back up again. I have been in ecstasy and I have been in despair. I told another when they told me the same thing that they didn't stay there. In that, there is progress. I stayed in a "blah" state for over a year at one point in my life. When I come there again and don't remain, I know I have grown. I haven't known what to write because I was so confused myself, I didn't want to risk bringing anyone down. Life is life. It is good. It is bad. It is hard. It is easy. It is painful. It is wonderful. It is uplifting. It makes you down trodden. It is a series of choices that you must make and problems you must solve. You make those choices and solve those problems all the while your feet are moving. At the end of your life or a certain period in your life, you can look back and see what each choice resulted in. Even if you wanted to change those choices and could, you would end up making mistakes just different ones than before.

   I have people in my life that I would consider stepping stones. I have people in my life that I would consider a guard rail. I have people in my life that I would consider stumbling blocks. Each person in my life represents something. It can be a bad representation or a good one. It is up to me to classify each one and to know that everyone has a purpose, as do I in their lives. It doesn't always feel good to figure out what place each person has in your life.For example, some guys teach you what you want and some teach you what you don't want. Some show you it takes more than love to make a relationship work. Some guys are there to help you remember how to have fun and some will be there forever, whether for a friend or a love.

   With each stone I take another step closer to the life I want, the life God has planned for me. The key is to never take my eyes off the things I have learned and the goal I want to accomplish. There will be more times that I am low and confused. Knowing I will not stay there is such an odd comfort. Some of those stones have hurt me. Some were like a soothing ointment and almost made me feel refreshed. Some led me through a veil of fire and some to an oasis. Each step is leading me closer to a new goal and all of them together will take me to my ultimate goal.

   Will I never be confused again? Absolutely not. Will I always find comfort in the knowledge I have and the direction I am going? Not always. Will the questions still swirl about my head in a cloud? Sometimes.

   With each step I take, my path becomes more clear. With each step I take I am heading towards a greater "Yes". With each step I take, I know I am not walking alone. Whether or not I have a hand to hold, I have Someone that is holding me.

PICTURES

   A picture says a thousand words. Have you ever thought what the picture isn't saying? I have seen countless photos, especially on FB, and I have wondered how could those people portray such happiness when I know the sadness behind those eyes. I see a girl with a half-dressed "selfie" and know why that picture has been posted. Everyone else is commenting on how beautiful that girl is, but I know what is behind the photo. I have never been good at pretending everything is okay when it isn't. I have been told my eyes practically shimmer when I am happy. I see a couple giving a shout out to the other and I know they have been in trouble for years. I just wonder if you have ever thought of the thousand words those pictures AREN'T saying. I see a couple other people admire but I know the meanness behind the smile and the venom that comes out of their mouths. I see a woman with her children on a fun day, but I know how she will feel when that picture has been snapped. There was someone missing in that picture. When they get tired, there is no one to help her carry them to the car. There is no bedtime prayers being said without a big presence missing. I see the empty eyes and know the aching hearts and wonder. A picture is a moment in time that has been captured. What happens after the flash?
   If you took a picture of me right now, you would see tired eyes and a furrowed brow. You would see drooping shoulders and my shimmer has temporarily disappeared. That photo would capture what is happening right now, but it doesn't capture my future. I will eventually get rest. The worry lines may relax. My shoulders will eventually be pulled back and the weight of the world will not be on them anymore. My eyes will have that mischievous glimmer they usually carry. My questions will have been answered and my life will start to flow more smoothly. That is what my picture would say, what about yours? I understand you cannot tell everyone everything but what are you portraying that isn't true? What happens when the truth is discovered? Distrust will be bred and you will look like a hypocrite. The main thing I decided when I started going through this new journey of divorce and single parenthood, was I would be honest and never sugar coat the truth. The truth is this has been one of the most confusing times I have ever been in. Every time I make a decision it feels like the wrong one. I am scared to do anything. I am terrified of sitting still. But wait, I am still moving because I refuse to give up. Things will come together, and it won't kill me to make mistakes. Nor will it hurt my kids in the long run if we make mistakes together. The world will continue to turn even against my protests. Eventually, I will post my photo that will portray me in the way I want and there will be no words or captions because the picture in itself will say it all.

FRIENDS

When I was growing up I never had girlfriends. I didn't understand girls at all. I guess that is something I have never accomplished. I know I am a woman, but I have never understood the "average" woman. I always hung out with the boys. They were easier to understand and easier to deal with. To girls, everything means something and there is A LOT of maintenance in the relationship. If a girl is mad at you, she will smile in your face and turn the knife in your back. If a guy is mad at you, he will tell you straight up and in five minutes be you're best friends again. Guys don't care if you notice their new shirt or know who they like. They aren't in constant competition with you unless there is a ball involved.
Until a few years ago, I never had girl friends. I now have a handful of girl friends who aren't "high maintenance". I do have some friends that are constantly mad at me for something and I don't have time to figure out what I did or didn't do. I have some friends, I haven't seen in years and we can pick up where we left off like no time has past at all. That is so wonderful. It isn't that I think that my friends aren't worth the time, but there is something about someone who isn't needy and you don't have to disrupt your whole life in order to make sure they are okay.
There are some friends I have kept up with since high school. I have made new friends and some I have known since I have been a little girl but didn't get close to until recently. Those friends have kept my sanity. Those friends have believed in me when I didn't believe in myself. Not too long ago there was a couple people who sent me a message saying they have always watched me and I inspired them. What? Me?? There was no "maintenance" involved. There was just a drive to succeed and it was noticed. I have been to where I just sat on my bed and took a mental note of my life and wished I could be anyone else but me at that moment. Then, out of nowhere I would have one of my friends send me love or prayers and I get up and go one more day. Where would we be without those friends in our life? WHO would we be? The one time in my life I consider myself to have a best friend, would be now. I have two friends that know just about everything about me and they love me and actually want to spend time with me. They are ready to fight beside me or cry with me. We have been through so much together. We live further apart than I would like, but the miles are nothing to a bond like ours. If I need to know an opinion regardless of our relationship, I can get it from either of them. One of my friends has kids and we parent alike, which is rare for me. We have the motherly talks together and the worries that we have and find solutions together for what we are going through. The other friend has known me since high school and knows the me back then and the me now. He will tell me straight up or call me on my crap. I love it! I need it. I have said all that to say this, know who your friends are. Just because they talk to you, doesn't mean they don't talk about you. Your friends should be "above" you on some level in some way. Your friends should make you better, not wallow with you in whatever trouble you are in. Your friends can help get you where you want to go in life or they can cripple your future. It isn't easy letting go of the friends that aren't good for you, but in order to be who you need to be, sometimes it is necessary.
You cannot pick the family you are born into, but you can pick your friends. In my case, my friends have become my family. If you could pick your family, who would they be? What would they be like? What would they parent like? What would they say to you when you are into something you shouldn't be? Find that family and don't let them go. I have very few super close friends and I have maybe a handful of  friends that I can call for anything or nothing at all. I pick carefully. Sometimes I pick wrong. I don't give up making those choices because I do not want to miss out on something amazing just because I have been burnt before. That is like refusing to cook because you got burnt getting something out of the oven. Some of the best cooks I know can lift their sleeves and show you scars of cooking mishaps. Some of the best friends I have, have been betrayed in unimaginable ways. Some folks have supported this blog, made comments, been my cheerleader, asked for prayers or advice. Some have needed a laugh. Some have watched silently but were not silent when it came to sending prayers for me.  Some I will never know how they have shown their friendship. This is an official thank you to those friends that have stuck by me even when everyone else walked away. I pray I am the same type of friend to you that you have been to me. We have been on this crazy journey together and I cannot imagine better people to be walking with. Love you!!

MY JOURNEY

   In my life I have traveled on this road. The incline was steep and the terrain was rough. As I traveled, the incline started decreasing, I could breathe a little easier. I felt proud of how I continued on. Shortly after, I came to a crossroads. I made a choice and changed roads. This road was said to be the one for me, but as I traveled on I realized the signs were wrong. This road has twists and turns. It had ups and downs. It had pot holes and soft places that were hard to get through. This road was on a constant incline. It was tough and I was tired everyday. I was alone on this road and no one understood me. I was ridiculed for going down the very road I was told to go. As I journeyed down this road I felt ragged. I felt as if I couldn't go one more step and every day felt the same. I felt like I was getting relief just to realize I was trudging into a great, dark abyss. I slowly walked on. My momentum had long ago left me. My mind felt fragile as I jumped at every sound and my body ached from being so cold and so scared. Just when I thought I would lose my mind, I discovered another crossroads. I stopped and stared down the road as far as I could. I couldn't see far because that road had a sharp curve in it just a little ways up. I sat down in the middle of my road in the middle of this journey and cried. For days, I didn't move. For days, I could hear the taunting in my mind of the people that had been ridiculing me. For days, I prayed, just for it to get lost in the darkness. Finally, I made a decision. My heart felt as if it couldn't beat one more time. My mind felt like I would be lost in my fears and wander forever. My body hurt and ached from the journey, but my feet wouldn't oblige. They continued on as if they knew something I didn't. I went down the road and started into the sharp turn. As soon as I got out of view of the beginning of this road, I begin to feel something I hadn't felt in what seemed like forever. I smelled smells I haven't ever smelled before. I heard sounds that sounded Heavenly. My heart started beating so hard I could hear it in my ears. My feet felt lighter and my body felt renewed. I couldn't hardly stand the anticipation of what was before me. As I traveled down this mysterious road the darkness lifted slowly. It was if I was now walking in fog. It wasn't damp, but rather wrapped itself around me like a warm blanket. I could see the outline of someone in this fog. At first, I hesitated. I wasn't scared, but just apprehensive. I continued on deciding I would ignore whatever it was and just keep going. As I got closer the outline became a person and the voice that came out of that person made me smile. He was tall and rugged and a little rough but made me laugh. He asked if he could walk with me. He seemed to have been waiting for me. As we walked together, he seemed to be standing in sunshine, but the sun hadn't come out yet. I realized the light was coming from me. Somehow, he unlocked the sunshine in my soul I thought I had lost in the abyss and I began to bring the sunshine with us. This journey was new to us and we have had some rough terrain and some tears and confusion. For now, we are learning together on this new road. We have discovered things we never knew about ourselves. We have seen beautiful sights and have seen the sun shine brighter than ever before. Sometimes, I get lost in my mind as I remember the times in the abyss and I get scared to move or make a decision, but he grabs my hand and smiles. We are still walking towards the place that we can feel but can't see. The road isn't perfect and sometimes it is just as hard as it was before, but it seems easier with someone to walk with. The ghosts of the abyss tries to overtake our happiness and progress we have made, but each time we put them to rest again. We may part ways or we may continue on until our journey has ended, but for now, I am so glad to have someone on my journey with me. I appreciate the journey I am on now so much more because I have been where I couldn't walk one more step before. I enjoy the sunshine more because all I could see and feel is darkness and my pain. I do not know what lies before me, but I know where I have been and what I have learned through it. I cannot wait to see what I am feeling is ahead. This journey is far from over and I do not know what my future will bring but I know I will be okay.

WHAT DO I GET?

What do I get for 40 weeks of aches pains, stretch marks and constant running to the bathroom? What do I get for the night time feedings and changing dirty diapers? What do I get for repeating my colors hundreds of times every day? What do I get for absentmindedly singing the songs the stuff animals and toys sing? What do I get for permanently having a stoop in my shoulders from holding little hands as they hold on as if you will die if you plop on your bottom as your little fat legs shuffle down the hallways? What do I get for singing until my voice is hoarse or shushing until my lips are chapped? What do I get for the thousands of loads of laundry? What do I get for the millions of meals that have been prepared? What do I get for the hours that have been spent in praying, crying and worrying over the present and future of each child? What do I get for preparing the countless birthdays that come back around every year? What do I get for laying by a crib with a sick baby in it and making sure each breath comes when it should? What do I get for the things I have sold and the sacrifices made to purchase diapers, food, formula and pay bills to keep the power on? What do I get for all the fears I have calmed and the countless giggles I have coaxed out of each baby? What do I get for teaching you how to talk, walk, have manners, write your name, color between the lines, and respect others? What do I get for driving you to school each day? What do I get for packing your lunches and making sure you have enough snacks so you won't starve before we get home? What do I get for moving you from here to there to make sure you are getting a good education and are treated well by the teachers? What do I get for encouraging you to have a good relationship with your dad? What do I get for lifting people up to you that hurt me daily? What do I get for buying you a second pair of shoes and trying to make my underclothes last for one more month with holes in them or wires exposed? What do I get for giving you half of my meal when you have already eaten your own? What do I get for buying your favorite things even when I don't have enough money to get something I like too? What do I get for making sure you know you are loved and cared for by everyone around you even if it means swallowing my pride and supporting people who don't return the love? What do I get for being a mom?
I get to see a my body as a tool to preform a miracle. I get to see the first breath and the first smile. I get to rock you in the rocking chair and caress your downy soft hair as a grin starts from the corner of your mouth and you forget to suck because it has spread all over your face. You look at me as if I am your world and the only love you will ever have. I get to see those colors turn into awards and accomplishment as you spout of the color of everything that is moving. I get to sing those songs with you as you act like I am a genius for remembering the words. I get to be there when those little fat legs quit wobbling and those little chubby fingers release my hands for the first time and you look at me and take off down through the house like you had done it a hundred times before. I get to see your little scowl relax to the sound of my voice and know that it was the soothing sound of me that caused you to relax. I feel the best sense of accomplishment knowing that I discovered the best way to hold you to help you sleep through an upset tummy. I have laid on the floor and counted seconds in between breaths, have held you in the bathroom while it was steaming up to help you breathe. It was me that lost sleep to make sure you were sleeping. I get to pray for you as I fold every article of clothing and watch you grow by the second. I get to hear the exclamation of pleasure because I cooked your favorite meal or teach you to be thankful even when you don't like something. I get to learn how to trust God and teach you to do the same with every thing and every phase. I may not get a party but seeing the joy on your face when you are at your own is better than any surprise I could have gotten. The furniture and items that were sold are just that, things. You, I could never ever replace but there is always another store. Every fear that has been relieved I have been there to sing, tell stories, and scare the bad guys away. I was super mommy and mommy monster to scare giggles out of you. I get the satisfaction of knowing that if it wasn't for me you wouldn't be where you are. I get grief for making the hard decisions, but from you I get grace. I get a "Mommy you're the greatest." With that good education I will get kids that will carry on the legacy I am creating. I get a well rounded and confident child by telling you that your dad loves you and works hard with me to help you get where you need to go in life. I get to see you grow in confidence because you have people that love you, whether or not they love me doesn't matter in the long run. I get to see you take off outside to show me how fast those new shoes help you run. I get to see the grin on your face as you run to catch a fly ball with your new baseball cleats on. I get to eat less calories and see you grow stronger every day as you finish off my meal. I get to buy your favorites and that makes it my favorite to be able to afford that little bit of joy for you. I get to see you grow up and know what kind of person I am to support other people even when they don't deserve to be around you. What do I get for being a mom? I get the world wrapped up in a little boy and girl's body. I may not get a trophy for every load of laundry and every time I clean or make a sacrifice, but you reap the benefits of my work even if I never see it.  I may make sacrifices for you and you may never know it, but you will reap what I have sown whether it be good or whether it be bad. I get to see the world through new eyes every day. I get a reason to breathe, laugh and love. I get little bitty hands circling my neck and wet kisses every day. I get high fives and thumbs up and manly head nods to acknowledge my approval. I get to see the goodness of God every day in the form of you. You are what I got when I asked, "Where is my reward?" God looked at me and said to double my blessing and gave me both of you. What do I get for being a mom? A piece of Heaven on earth.

UPHILL BOTH WAYS

    Ever heard that expression "uphill both ways"? I have heard the story, about walking to school in a foot of snow, barefoot going uphill both ways. Bless me Jesus, at the risk of sound whiny, I feel like I am going uphill both ways. I know God is with me. I know that one day it will get better. I know that I have a lot to be thankful for. If not for good friends I would be on the street. If not for good friends I would have lost my mind, worse than I already have, a long time ago. If not for my friends, I would have sat outside on the grass and curled up in a ball and died. I know all the phrases and truths that get us from day to day, but right now... right now I am wallowing in my pain, shortcomings and loss that I have experienced. God has brought many great people in my life and I have experienced love like I have never experienced it before. I have so much to praise Him for. Right now, look at me funny, and I will cry. Right now, I need a bridge that will span the next six months when things will start turning around. Right now, I am not looking for world domination, I am looking for a kind word of encouragement not put me in my place. Right now, I would like to not just know everything will be okay, but feel it and better yet, see it. Right now, I want to know that if I choose what makes me happy, then I won't be at risk of my kids being bait. Right now, I want to show the world what I know I am capable of, but I can't yet. I want to be out of the aftermath of divorce. I want to be to the place I won't have to measure every word with extreme caution so the kids won't be in the middle of a tug of war battle. I want to breathe and not worry about making everyone else okay. I want to be free to have an opinion and not have to wage war over what I think or feel.  

   I know what my life is RIGHT NOW. I also know what it can be soon. This is my year. I know it. I feel it. I will make it happen one way or the other. My right now isn't ideal or really even fun in some areas, but I have a great future and I plan to see my dreams unfold. Just a few short weeks and my kids will be out of school and our life is going to change. I know it. I may not be working my dream job and not have as much work as I need, but it is coming. I see rolling hills, hear the cows balling for more hay and chickens clucking happily in my future. I already feel the sun scorching my face as I am bent over a hoe in the garden. I hear the hum of four wheeler motors and hear a squeal periodically as the kids are racing in the field. I smell the freshly baked goodies coming from the open window. I hear the faint sound of a guitar in the background and I am humming the tune as I am working outside midst the different sounds and smells.  I feel like I am in the midst of this daydream and can see, feel and hear this in HD color. I am there.... well, almost. It is coming. I know it is. It just isn't here yet. 

   Right now, I am going to cry, feel hopeless, lost and in utter confusion. But the thing I keep reminding myself is my right now will eventually be my past. If it is in my past, then I am in the future and I know what and who is there. I feel like I will come out of my skin before it actually starts happening, but it will happen. That is something I can take to the bank. I may be walking uphill both ways right now, but eventually I will be on solid level ground and living my dreams. 

I'VE GOT THE POWER

I used to get really frustrated with people that needed help but wouldn't seek out someone to point them in the right direction. Now, that I have needed help and have actually swallowed my pride and sought out advice or help in general, I now understand why people do not get help. Some people will give you a hand up and some give you a hand out. With the hand up, there are no strings, only honest compassion and a desire to see your life improve. With a hand out, there are strings attached. It gives them the unspoken right to tell you what to do in your life, with your kids, with your money, with your career, with your dating life, etc. I have been there. With some people, you think it will change because they are your friends or family, so you fall for it every time. Just to have them say, "Well, you owe me...; Remember the time I..." It makes you feel so helpless. No thank you!!! I will make a million mistakes before I listen to your advice. I will sleep in my car before I let you try to dominate my kids or talk down to me to make yourself feel more in control. Huh uh!! Is that the right kind of attitude. Probably not. I have been in different types of relationships with people that have  made me feel this way throughout my life. At those different times, I responded in different ways. I know you have been there. I still struggle with it. In one way, I distance myself from those people and in some cases, they have no contact whatsoever if they cannot control me. In some cases, I pretend it doesn't bother me a bit, because eventually they will find someone else for a puppet. I am not applying for the job.
Why does it have to be that way? It doesn't. I have heard the statement so many times in my life and was in Sunday school the other day and she said touched on the same thing, we have all said something like, "They come to me for advice and won't take it. They continue to do the same thing and have the same story so I am just write them off. I am tired of trying to help someone that won't be helped." We do that don't we? We may know the right words and the right advice, but it may not help those particular people. Maybe it will help them, but they just don't do it. Should we write them off? Should we stomp our feet and say that we are through with them? Doesn't that sound a bit controlling? I am so glad that God doesn't give up on me like that. I am so glad He doesn't forget about me because I am not obeying or doing what I should, when I should do it. I am so glad that He doesn't try to control me but rather allows me to be myself. When I fall, He is there without an "I told you so". We do things for people and expect a certain type of gratitude or expect a certain things in return. That my friends, is not why you do things for people. You do things for people sacrificially. You do not expect anything in return or silently hold it over their heads. We give of ourselves and our resources and expect nothing in return. Really, we may not ever see the reward until we get to Heaven or our kids could be the one to reap the benefits.
I have been around very controlling people my whole life. It doesn't bother me as much as it used to. I have a dad. I am not married. There is not a man that is the head of my household right now. It doesn't intimidate me or make me feel like I have been "put in my place" when my dad, another man or woman tries to push me around or tell me how it is, should be or they want it to be. I have been there and done that. Most of the time, I let people say their peace and leave it be. It doesn't change my mind to what I am going to do with my day or my life, so why argue about it? Why get upset about a difference of opinion? What will it change? It will hurt a relationship in the long run. For a moments satisfaction will bring an uphill battle to recover a friendship or a family relationship. It is soooo frustrating and you feel like you need to be heard, but at what expense?
One day, I will have my home the way I want it, a man that loves me and is a second dad to the kids. One day, it will be known that my door is always open to anyone. I will have the peace I long for. My kids will not have to every worry about moving and will have their own rooms once again. My friends and family will always want to help "guide" me into whatever they want me to do, but I can still smile, nod, and tell them I appreciate their well meaning advice. Until then, I refuse to give my power away. I refuse to be bullied or treated like a child. Part of being an adult is learning when to speak and when to be quiet. Being an adult isn't the most fun I have ever had, but it can be. I do not need to force my advice, preferences or challenge everyone in my life to a duel. I do not need to control everyone and everything in my life and in everyone else's. I have a very good grasp on reality. My reality is that my life isn't an ideal situation, but it will be. I have taken this year by storm! I have the elements to make this year one that will make the history books. The elements are there but aren't in play yet but be ready.... I have the power so step back!!