A YEAR AGO

   One year ago today, everything in my life changed. The carpet that I was standing on was given a sound yank and I fell with quite a thud. I thought I had survived and was witness to a miracle in my life just to find out it was a farce. One side mocked me and laughed at me for feeling that I was special enough to be a part of a miracle. The other side told me that I gave it my all. In my mind I heard all the doubts. gossip and accusations being flung in my direction. I knew that I would be a single mom. My life would forever be changed. I would be labeled and discarded by some and a target for others. I knew in some ways I would be in the fight of my life, not just for my testimony but with my kids and my self worth.
  I felt like I fell down a rabbit hole and was sucked into a world that was bizarre and so unfamiliar. Before I went through a time where I doubted everything in my life and everything I had been taught. I had to take everything I knew and make sure it was both logical and Biblical. Not everything withstood the trial of fire. I have been amazed at how much I have learned this year. I am still amazed I can relive memories and still feel my chest tighten and have to talk my body out of a panic attack. I remember the good times. I refuse to forget the good stuff, even if it hurts. God did not create the event in my life. He simply allowed us to have a choice. Some do not make good decisions and then a lot of people have to suffer the consequences. God knew exactly what was happening and He was preparing me to deal with it. I prayed my whole entire life for God to use me. I told Him I would do ANYTHING and all He had to do was to make it clear what it was. Everyday I make the choice to do that "anything". I don't always get it right but I have the heart to do what God would ask of me. My life, after divorce, I have been trying to dedicate anything and everything I do to Him. I am NOT perfect. I mess up A LOT.  I do not want to go through this and it be a waste. I do not want to experience the pain and doubt and not benefit from it in some way.
  I went back through some messages to see how I handled things and what I said when the realization set in. It was no credit to me, but I couldn't believe my mind set. I was so honest and to the point but not vindictive. I couldn't believe the proclamations made and were not carried out. I wasn't surprised, but it was still hard to believe how quickly things turned. I cannot believe that was my life. I cannot believe how much faith I had that everything would be okay. I am ashamed of the doubt I have now sometimes.
  A year later and my life isn't how I would want it, but I am better off with the changes I have made and how I have grown. I still have a ways to go, but it wasn't undone in a day. I can't expect it to be better in a day either.
   Whether you stay or you leave, your life will be different. Don't expect by leaving a relationship that your problems will go away. You will just accumulate a whole new set of problems. You may be lonely in your marriage, but you will be lonely not married as well. You may be unhappy now, but what about when everything is on you and you are scrambling to make good choices for your family alone? Your spouse doesn't make you happy anymore? Is that their fault or yours? Is it worth a minute of fun or weakness to ruin the family your children have?
  I have told many people these same things when asked. If I could have chosen, I would be working on my 12th year of marriage right now. I would be in my own house and be having date night tonight. That wasn't a choice I was given by the decisions that were made. This year I am not standing on a carpet. I am standing on solid ground. I do not want to be unprepared for something that God may allow in my life. I still get emotional and confused and have doubts. I know that God is with me no matter what I do or don't do. He will be the One that comes to my aid. He will be the one standing with me in the good times and in the hard times. I want my children to look back on this time and see me standing strong in the Lord. I want them to be able to read any letters or messages and see that my attitude was how it should be. I don't want to be ashamed by a memory they have of me. This is a part of the legacy I am leaving for my children. What am I saying with my actions will leave a bigger impact than what I say with my words. A year ago today I thought my world was falling apart but in truth, it was falling together.