LETTING GO

  Have you ever noticed when you are going through a rough time, you can write some of the most sad songs, poems or articles? I have written some good ol' mullygrubbing stanzas. I have been my own worst enemy and finally defeated my gloomy thinking. In a way, it compares to trying to get a child to not use a pacifier. Some children quit using their pacifier but start sucking their thumb. It is hard to break that because it is attached. You can't take it away or throw it away.  You have to teach them to not suck on it or get them distracted so they will forget and break the habit. It isn't like I can go to the other room and escape my mind. It travels with me. The "ghosts" I have are locked away in my own head. When I hear about people trying to "find themselves", it's quite ironic when you think about it. You are with you all the time. How can you make a discovery when you are there the whole time? 

   My days have challenges in it just like everyone else. I still have some major obstacles to overcome. I still would like to find the one God intends on me sharing my life with. I would like to be able to have my own home and chickens and animals. I want my kids to be with me. I would like to have a job I enjoy. That is some things that are a part of my reality, but there is nowhere that says I have to figure it all out in one day. One thing at a time. I am tackling the things I can do and the rest is up to God. I am not a very patient person. When something goes awry, I do everything in my power to immediately find a solution. Sometimes, in my haste, I do not choose correctly. Sometimes, my emotions or pride guide me in the wrong direction. Eventually, I see my error and turn it around. Although,  I have never been very good at forgiving myself. If I messed up in school, made someone mad, hurt someone's feelings, sarcasm gone bad, it eats me up. It is all I can think about. I think of a million scenarios of how I could have done it different, better. Finally, I either figure out a way or making "penance" or make up my mind not to repeat that same mistake again and try to move on. I have been that way for as long as I can remember. 

  One of the many things I am so thankful is God's forgiveness. No matter what we do, say or think He forgives us. If we bring it up again and ask for forgiveness again, I always imagine God saying, "Let's see... you did what? Hhhhmm. Let me think. Wait! I almost have it! Nope. Don't remember anything like that happening." I love it!! It's like I am new with no mistakes. It is as if I am perfect. The kind of perfect I have always wanted to be. Can you imagine the remorse of the ones who crucified Christ? I believe there was a soldier the Bible talks about that acknowledged He was the Son of God. Can you imagine trying to feel forgiven after being a part of crucifying the only perfect man there ever was and realizing he did it for you? I definitely couldn't talk myself out of that one. Christ forgave them on the cross. "Father, forgive them for they know not what they do." How amazing! If only our forgiveness immolated that. 

   Lately, I have had some very stern discussions out loud, in my car towards some people that wronged me greatly and acted as though I was in the wrong. Honestly, some people would have had those discussions in person and not thought a thing about it. I wanted to myself. It was fueling my anger and making it bigger and bigger. What purpose would it serve to "tell them off"? All it would do is prove, in their mind, that they were right about me. It would cause words to be spoken in anger that would do some irreparable damage. In my mind, I tell myself, how glad I am that the mistakes I have made in my life are forgotten if by only one Person. How thankful I am! If it were me, would I want my friend to tell me everything I did wrong and make me feel a little less than dirt? Wouldn't I want compassion even if it doesn't feel like it is deserved? 

  Today, I am letting go. I am letting go of the wrongs and hurt that I have experienced. Sometimes, it creeps back up on me and I have those old feeling pop up. Forgiveness isn't deserved. That's why it is forgiveness. It is never easy. It has to be given freely. As of right now, I am letting go of the judgments and the things I cannot change. I am forgiven. I HAVE forgive. I am free!