Ever heard that expression "uphill both ways"? I have heard the story, about walking to school in a foot of snow, barefoot going uphill both ways. Bless me Jesus, at the risk of sound whiny, I feel like I am going uphill both ways. I know God is with me. I know that one day it will get better. I know that I have a lot to be thankful for. If not for good friends I would be on the street. If not for good friends I would have lost my mind, worse than I already have, a long time ago. If not for my friends, I would have sat outside on the grass and curled up in a ball and died. I know all the phrases and truths that get us from day to day, but right now... right now I am wallowing in my pain, shortcomings and loss that I have experienced. God has brought many great people in my life and I have experienced love like I have never experienced it before. I have so much to praise Him for. Right now, look at me funny, and I will cry. Right now, I need a bridge that will span the next six months when things will start turning around. Right now, I am not looking for world domination, I am looking for a kind word of encouragement not put me in my place. Right now, I would like to not just know everything will be okay, but feel it and better yet, see it. Right now, I want to know that if I choose what makes me happy, then I won't be at risk of my kids being bait. Right now, I want to show the world what I know I am capable of, but I can't yet. I want to be out of the aftermath of divorce. I want to be to the place I won't have to measure every word with extreme caution so the kids won't be in the middle of a tug of war battle. I want to breathe and not worry about making everyone else okay. I want to be free to have an opinion and not have to wage war over what I think or feel.
I know what my life is RIGHT NOW. I also know what it can be soon. This is my year. I know it. I feel it. I will make it happen one way or the other. My right now isn't ideal or really even fun in some areas, but I have a great future and I plan to see my dreams unfold. Just a few short weeks and my kids will be out of school and our life is going to change. I know it. I may not be working my dream job and not have as much work as I need, but it is coming. I see rolling hills, hear the cows balling for more hay and chickens clucking happily in my future. I already feel the sun scorching my face as I am bent over a hoe in the garden. I hear the hum of four wheeler motors and hear a squeal periodically as the kids are racing in the field. I smell the freshly baked goodies coming from the open window. I hear the faint sound of a guitar in the background and I am humming the tune as I am working outside midst the different sounds and smells. I feel like I am in the midst of this daydream and can see, feel and hear this in HD color. I am there.... well, almost. It is coming. I know it is. It just isn't here yet.
Right now, I am going to cry, feel hopeless, lost and in utter confusion. But the thing I keep reminding myself is my right now will eventually be my past. If it is in my past, then I am in the future and I know what and who is there. I feel like I will come out of my skin before it actually starts happening, but it will happen. That is something I can take to the bank. I may be walking uphill both ways right now, but eventually I will be on solid level ground and living my dreams.
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