DATING AFTER DIVORCE

  Ever wonder what you look like from someone else’s eyes? When I started dating as a mom with 2 kids, it hit home with me in a different way. I was with someone for 10 years. What if I am not attractive? What if I will always be alone? Will the things I don’t like about myself be noticed by someone else? My mind went a thousand different directions at once. One thing I didn't count on was feeling like I needed to be who they thought I should be. I have always been pretty confident and definitely a bit of a stubborn streak. I realized I was doubting who I was, how I felt, what my intuition was saying and what was right for me because I was weighing out my emotions, the words that echoed in my mind from my ex, others and trying to find what I really wanted. I was confident but unsure. I was ready but terrified. I thought I was being choosy and trying to not be too “hard” on the guys a dated and ended up sacrificing some standards and “requirements” I had for myself and for them. I knew what didn't work and what didn't work for me but in my mind, I didn't know what to listen to? I wondered if I could even trust my judgment.

  I discovered that you do have to sift through what you have heard, been told, see, feel and want as you are dating. It is definitely more important once you've been divorced and even more so if you have children. After a few errors in judgment and doubting myself, I set up some things I knew I required in my life. It wasn't an unreasonable list. It was just a few things that I knew would help me maintain sanity, insure I would find someone suitable to help me raise my kids and be a spiritual teammate as well. I have been alone for a while in the past 12 years in my life. I wasn't 100% sure if I could live with someone else and allow them to be around my kids either. I took a step back to determine what I could handle, what I needed and what I would allow. This wasn't an easy task at first. There are so many emotions, scars and voices you hear after you have been divorced. It is hard to determine if you are being logical or living in a fantasy world. I also had two people I trusted that knew who I am now and didn't judge me for who I have been in the past to bounce things off of and meet the guys that would make it to the second week mark.

  There is no perfect person. There is no perfect body. There is no one in this world that doesn't have scars and baggage of some sort. Now that that has been established, you can be honest with yourself. I personally believe someone that has been through hard times is more beautiful if they have allowed God to shape them through it. There is such a thing as “beautifully broken”. If you have a doubt about someone, listen to yourself. If they know all the right things to say, that’s probably too good to be true. If they make you melt and fighting mad in the same night but are still holding hands by the end of it is not a bad thing.

DO NOT SETTLE!!! There are much more important things than a six pack of abs and a cleft chin.

DO NOT BE UNREASONABLE!!! If you aren't sure if you are doing either of the two, that’s where the friend or family member comes in.

  Put your kids first in your decision making. I do not allow my kids to determine my life but they should benefit from this decision too. It isn't their fault that this situation happened. Who you date/marry, should benefit them not hurt or replace them. They shouldn't be able to cancel your date unless they are sick but they should help determine who you date. I look at the man I am dating and ask myself, “If Jayden became more of who he is in 10 years, would I like who Jayden has become? If Chloe married a man like the one I am dating, would I like her choice?” If the answer to that is a question or no, DROP HIM!!! You don’t need that and neither do your kids. You don’t want to go from bad to worse.

  Don’t listen to everyone. Everyone will have an opinion about your life and who you date. Predetermine who you give veto power and hang the rest.

  Do you like roller coasters? If you don’t, get off this ride!!! Dating is a HUGE roller-coaster. There are highs, lows, corkscrews and times when you feel like you want to hurl! Sometimes you will be flying high and so excited and then a red flag will pop up and you are back to square one. You find yourself lower than when you started dating. You will be so low and then you will risk it and go out again and be back on top. Just know that going into it.

  Be yourself! If God took the time to thoughtfully plan out your life, what He would allow you to go through and be with you every step of the way, don’t you think He would have prepared someone that suits you just right? It is even possible to find someone that not only is a Christian but has the same beliefs, desires and has a similar background as you as well. He went through all that trouble but is incapable of making someone complimentary to you….? That’s not even logical. If someone doesn't like you for who you are, DROP THEM!! You don’t need that craziness.

Be choosy. You don’t know where he’s been, who he’s been with and if he can be trusted…..yet.

  Just know if it is in God’s plan for you to not be alone, then alone you will not be. I started praying that God would take away my desires to share my life with someone if it wasn't in His plan. Having that desire unfulfilled was too much. Two agonizing weeks later, I met someone. The timing isn't the same for everyone but the possibility is.

  Dating is hard anyway but adding in a divorce and kids?!?!?! CrAzY. Don’t do it unless you are ready, can take criticism and can allow someone to veto someone you like. Lastly, HAVE FUN!!! It can be an adventure, a crazy mess, great girl’s night material and lessons learned. There’s no requirement to say “yes” to a date and you don’t have to marry someone you go out with a few times. I am in no way an expert but I have learned a few things and have been asked a lot about my advice on dating after divorce lately. So, here it is.

CALLOUSED HANDS

  As I sat in the room as the family surrounding the man who has loved them, taught them about God and created an amazing legacy for each one, my eyes were constantly drawn to his hands. Two days before, I held his hand as he was getting sick from the pain that was caused by the disease that was taking over his body. I wiped his mouth and fed him ice to soothe his throat. I remembered him momentarily lighting up as my love spoke to him before he went to sleep again. I was overwhelmed with emotions as I looked at this same man and hardly recognized him as the one I was with just two days before. This man has shaped each person in the room and so many more that were not able to sit by his bedside.
  I watched as the man I love held his grandpa's hand. I saw those two calloused hands joined and knew there was a much deeper bond that you could not see. Those hands represented a hard working, loving man. They no longer held tools but instead were resting on a Bible. He did not speak but he could hear everything around him. He may not be sharing the gospel but his life represented the Lord. He may not be attending church this Sunday but we had church all around him. He may not be filling up his seat in the pew but his spirit was felt. I stood there helplessly as I heard my love weeping and whispering his love and goodbyes as his grandpa's breathing became more labored. I knew that many hours, days and years they have spent together before that moment. "He is going to a better place" was spoken, but it doesn't make it hurt any less for the ones he is leaving behind. We all sat around him and celebrated the Lord's supper. We honored the One who died for us all and praised Him for preparing a place for each of us when it is our time to go home to Heaven. As I led "Because He Lives" and "Amazing Grace" we lifted our voices in song praising the One he served. He may not be long in this world but a piece of Heaven came down in that room as we celebrated the soon to be home going of an amazing, godly man.
   The peace that resided in the room as prayers, love, singing and praise were taking place at the bedside of this loved one. It's amazing the calmness that surrounds believers when one of our own is fixing to go to Heaven. I held a phone as one of his grandsons Skyped saying his goodbyes from Peru, just in case he didn't get back in time. He praised his life and the influence his grandpa had on him. He said, "Everyone can  see your influence in me." What an amazing statement. As I sat there, my prayer for this family that I have come to love is for God to give them grace to bear the loss, the fortitude to keep the legacy that was created thriving and pass along the truths and lessons learned from him to the ones that come after.
  This man I have just met has changed me as well seeing someone have a life that so greatly represented the Lord and influence everyone around him in such a way and witnessing that for myself. Touching the lives around us in such a way that you live on through that touch, influence and love, long after you are gone. No matter when he goes home, he will always be here. The ones he left behind are his representatives. What will we do with what he taught us? Who will step up and fill his shoes as "candy man" at church? Who will be the stronger Christian and pillar of the family now? What will I do with what I have seen? I came here to support the family. I came with the intention of offering support, strength and love but I was given that instead. I was allowed into the private moments of a loving, Christian family and I stand in awe of the godly heritage before me. I believe I have been in the midst of one of the "greats". I sat, listened and watched the activity going on around the bedside and knew I would never be the same. Please say a prayer for this family as they send off the patriarch of the family to his home in Heaven.

ROLLEY POLLEY

  Remember when you were a kid and you found a "rolley polley"? When you pick them up, they would roll into a ball. As long as you were holding them, they couldn't be coaxed out of that ball.

  Tonight, I realized that I have been that rolley polley for a long time. I have heard that I need to look like this girl or that. I need to lose weight or change my style. I have seen the one I was married to walk a distance away to give the allusion we weren't together although at the time, we were. I have been made to feel like there was something wrong with me because of the way that God made me. The gifts, strengths and weaknesses that were created in me were not right so I have had to fight myself and natural tendencies to make another happy. I would feel completely alone in a crowded room. I didn't sing, smile easily or even laugh much at all. I gained weight and was miserable. My body was dying from the inside out because my spirit was broken. I learned to protect myself from these hurts. I learned to use laughter as a defense mechanism. I learned how to skim off the top about my story so no one knew "too much" to later use it against me when it suited them. No matter who was around me, I would not relinquish myself from that little protective ball I was in and then.....

 A few months ago, I moved to the city of Durham. Honestly, I do not like the city as a whole. I started attending an amazing church that has become a big part of my healing. I feel needed, loved and wanted. I believe it was because of that my heart was prepared for the next steps in my life. This journey to the eastern side of state hasn't been easy. As a matter of fact, it has gotten much harder in some ways. I now can see that the crossroads I was at, was a pivotal moment in my life. It was here that I started allowing myself to open again and allow myself to find healing in a new way.

  I have met a lot of nice guys in my dating experience and some that have been quite interesting. I became very frustrated and started praying that God would take away my desire to want to be a wife again. The need to share my life with someone and to be loved the way God intended. It was too hard to have those desires and not have them fulfilled. It was more frustrating and exhausting that anything and then......

  At first, when I would get compliments and doting, I would laugh and wonder if I was in the middle of a joke that I wasn't aware of. The constant thinking the best of me at all times was enough to make me stop and look at the eyes, body language and really listen to the voice fluctuation of the one saying those things, just to ensure the sincerity of the giver. Slowly, I began to relax and "unroll" from my little ball. That ball kept me protected. Now, I have no protection. Now, I am a part of something that I always felt was possible but never believed it for myself. The way that I am, my personality, gifts, looks, shape, size, laugh, style, etc is not only "good enough" but just right. Who I am is wanted and not just for what I can give. Just think of all I would have missed out on if I would have stayed in that tight little ball.

  I have found that I cannot protect my heart because you cannot protect what you aren't in possession of. I gave God my heart as I prayed for those desires to be taken away and asked Him to give it to whomever He deems worthy, even if it was only to Him. In this relationship, I do not fear for myself anymore. Now, I know what real is. You don't realize you haven't had something real until you experienced something genuine for yourself. Where our journey will lead, only God knows. I do know that the little ball I have unknowingly created for myself is no longer something I can do anymore.

  I am on an emotional roller coaster but I am not rolled up, eyes closed feeling every jerk, hill, or corkscrew and dreading every possibility. I have my hands straight up in the air, eyes wide open, a goofy grin on my face and a laugh in my voice. Now this is a ride that I have been waiting in line for for a long time and I am going to enjoy every moment of the ups and downs, highs and lows and not knowing what is around the corner.

SAYING GOODBYE

  Lately, I have heard and read a lot of people telling a loved on goodbye to their friends, social networking sights and in the newspaper. It never ceases to amaze me that they have waited until they are gone to tell them how they feel about them and how much they have impacted their lives. Can we not see that it is too late? All that is, is a feeble attempt to release the guilt we have from not speaking up sooner and helping us with the grieving process.
 
  Why wait? Who is it in our lives that has made a big impact on us? Why not tell them now? What would you tell them if you were writing their epitaph and telling them goodbye? Write it down!! Act as if you just found out that they had died and give them the best send off words can write, then give it to them. Whether it is in your comfort zone or not, don't wait until they do not get any gratification from it. Say it now when it can do the most good.
 
   On the other hand, what would our own farewell speech say? What would people say about us if we weren't around anymore? Would there be a void, a great loss? What would your kids do? Would they be prepared for your absence? Would you leave behind a mess? If I was taken tomorrow, what would people say about me when they heard? Would there be a line going out the doors for my viewing or would we close up early because no one came? What would happen to my kids? Would they be prepared for such a loss or would they blame God forever?

  How morbid!! Maybe. Haven't you ever wondered if you were gone, would everyone feel the impact? I want my life to be a legacy. I hope to set a new record on the oldest person one of these days but if that doesn't happen, I want my life, my presence and what I have taught my kids and those around me to live on long after I am gone. I want my kids to continue in the legacy that I have help create. There is more to life than just the day to day things. Death is a big part of it as well. It's something no one wants to talk or even think about but it is a reality. I can think of several people that I would feel a piece of me was missing if they went to Heaven. Their lives, actions and love has helped shape me into who I am. Their graciousness has been given to me when I least deserved it. What a loss that this world would experience if they were gone. Why wait to tell them this? I would love to hear it if I made an impact on someone. I would love to hear my kids say "why" they love me and replay memories when they get older. I look forward to that. I want to purpose in my heart to not wait until it is too late to share the love, admiration and thankfulness that I have for those around me. In most cases there is no way I could ever "pay them back" for what they have done for me. Although, I can "pay it forward". There is no better way to say thanks than to pass on those lessons that someone else has taught you.

  I have some amazingly strong men and women in my life and in my family. Their actions have spoken to me when their words couldn't get through. When I was feeling unlovable they loved me through it. When the distance increased the love and closeness that we have has not. I am so thankful for the ones God has put in my life. It is my goal to make sure that each and every one not only knows it but sees and feels it as well.
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   When saying goodbye to someone and writing their farewell, it is easier when the story of their life is something amazing to tell.

DEAR MR. PRESIDENT.....SINCERELY A STAY AT HOME MOM

Dear Mr. President,

  In light of what you said regarding stay at home mom's and that "is not a choice we want Americans to make". I respect your position as President but you obviously do not respect ours. A stay at home moms is "full and equal participants in our economy" we help make America what it is. In 1865 William Ross Wallace wrote a poem that states "The hand that rocks the cradle, rules the world." It is a poem that 'praises motherhood as the preeminent force for change in the world'.

  I cannot imagine what it is like to be president. To have not only America look to you but the world. What a grave responsibility. However, you seem to have forgotten what your role is and you definitely haven't a clue what a stay at home mom's role is. In part, your role is to protect our religious freedom, protect Americans from not only itself but outside forces that are sworn to destroy us. Please see the Declaration of Independence and the Constitution. Religious freedom doesn't include trying to encourage and make our nation a one world religion. It doesn't include letting the ones who caused such devastation that is ranked top 10 of wars ranked by Americans deaths, to come into America with open arms and build a Mosque within walking distance of where the Twin Towers were destroyed (a sign of victory for the Muslims). Now you are stating that America is a "Muslim country". Really? How about protecting Americans from outside forces, including leadership that has not had our best interests at heart?

  As a mom and a former Stay at home mom, I know that you cannot be best friends with your "constituents" doing what is best for them doesn't always win you a favorable vote. Sometimes you get a pout, cold shoulder, fit or blame from that constituent or others. As president of my own home, I believe the rules are about the same. I am not babysitting my constituents and patting them on the back when they kick and scream because they don't want to participate in what is best, I am encouraging those future voters to be contributing Americans that may even change the world as we know it. It is true leadership when you know you have the power to bend someone's will for your own purposes but instead choose to teach them to make their own choices and with those choices comes consequences. I have taken that "wasted time" teaching those children absolutely EVERYTHING. As I held my children to my breast I promoted "Locally grown, all natural food", conserved energy, water and man power. When I taught my children to pray for the President, I am serving the nation as long as I do it before 9 and after 5. I taught them how to respect others even when they aren't deserving. I have taught them to honor our military because without the sacrifice of so many, we wouldn't even have a country. I have taught them to love their neighbor and not bully others into doing what they think is right, to put God first and do what He would have them to do because He is the ultimate guide. It doesn't make us weak, it makes us stronger to admit we aren't the center of the universe. There is Something/Someone greater than us. It takes a strong person to not hide behind people that only push their agenda for money or fame. That emptiness you seem to be incapable of filling is filled when you acknowledge the One you have been fighting so hard to prove that He doesn't exist. One day, I pray that my constituents will follow the example I have led. I have gotten in the "trenches" along with them. I have not written directions and pointed absentmindedly at what they should do, I have taught them every day, with my life, although an imperfect one,  Not just in a public eye but behind closed doors. I have actually played with my kids in the park, thrown ball, played babies and hide and seek and know everything there is to know about their lives. When asked by Oprah if you played on the swing set with your children you started to say yes and then changed it and denied having played with them on their swing set. It seems small and insignificant but you start in your own home before you try to save the world outside it. It's called leadership. Honestly, it's hard and sometimes it really stinks. Sometimes you end the day feeling like the worst President ever but when they start to grow and change and I know it is because of those "tough times" I know I have done my job. Those poles may not show right away but the results are unmistakable. Then, it happens, my constituents start to change, resulting in our world changing for the better.

  I didn't send my kids to daycare because a choice was made that those children were to be raised by the one that bore them. I do not look down on anyone that is a career mom. I absolutely am blown away by them and now have joined the force. For me, that was not even a debate when I had my children. They are smart, well-rounded and are secure even when our life has been a war zone for the past few years. There was a marriage that was destroyed unexpectedly. Doesn't seem the same to you? I beg to differ. Stay at home moms are the hardest working people there are. The pay is non existent but the benefits never run out.  There may not be a car allowance, personal jets or cooks but there are happy children that are better off with a mom in their lives than not. I have gotten down to the last can of peas or not eaten for days on end so they would have enough food. I've allowed gossip and accusations to go unanswered in order to protect the ones I serve. When is the last time you have made sacrifices like that for your constituents?

   Please tell me how much better it is for all these moms to flood the non-existent job market in order to make sure their "hourly pay stays competitive". Just to have their children end up in an over crowded daycare with under paid help, for those mom's to have to get on welfare because they can't find work but are trying to stay up with what you believe is best. Tell me how "we" aren't contributing to our society. Let's take it down to the basics. Without us, the world wouldn't exist. Without the ones that take on home school, being a mom and/or career woman, where would we be really? Women are the ones that change a nation. We are the ones that take on jobs we aren't even built for because our children need us. We have stepped into a "man's world" and weren't accepted but continued on no matter what the opposition. Those women were labeled and scorned but they came back day after day because their children needed them to. Our choices are to be a stay at home mom or to have a career. Either way, we are doomed.

  Is this still the same America that ridiculed the working women after they decided to continue working in a "man's world" after stepping up when the newspaper articles would state, "Everyone is a helper" calling all women to aide in making heavy machinery during WWII? Can you make up your mind what you really want from us other that to act like a man while looking like a woman, don't show that we are women in our dress because we will be blasted for using our "assets" to get to the top quicker (hard work and determination couldn't be the reason) don't show emotion while trying not to have too strong maternal instincts so we won't be ridiculed in the working world. Now, thanks to you, we are ridiculed from a national platform. If mothers are the ones who rule the world, where do you think your rank will be when it's all said and done?

  Again, I appreciate your position but I disagree with, well, just about everything I have ever heard you say. Thanks again for showing who you really are. I was a stay at home mom for years and I have recently been "forced" to go back to the career field along with other women that were always career women and my hourly pay has been just as high if not higher that the ones around me. These hands no longer rock a cradle but they fold in prayer. Good luck with that.

Sincerely, 

A loving mother

RIGHT BEFORE MY EYES

    Ever wonder what you would do if you received what you know would make you happy(ier)? If you received everything you have ever wished for, how would you feel?

   Recently, I feel like the desires and dreams I have had secretly and publicly have been unfolding right before my eyes. What do you do when you realize your dreams are no longer something you wish on a star or a stray eyelash, they are now a part of your life? If you realize one day in the midst of the hustle and bustle of life that it isn't just going to work, putting the kids to bed, cleaning house, preparing for the next day, getting ready to go to work or bed, dealing with mad, frustrated, concerned or upset members, or even loving on the new people that comes into your life. It has become more. I feel like I slowed down just long enough to know that the things and people in my life every day are part of the dreams I have held close for so long. There are still daily struggles that I have and cannot seem to ever find a remedy or a middle ground for but that is reality. There are people I meet every week that make an impact on me one way or another. There are people that have come into my life, I find myself checking to make sure that it is possible that they are real. The longing and brokenness I have lived with has started to melt away into a feeling I have yet to label.

   It seems as if every week something new hits me, that hasn't changed but what has is the ones around me and what is within me. My heart has begun to soften and my desire for more in life has begun to burn strongly once again. All of this has started unfolding right before my eyes. The encouraging words I have offered to a friend have started coming true in my own life. The unspoken longing that I have felt for as long as I can remember now has a glimmer of hope to finding a home. It's amazing and terrifying all at the same time. My kids have a stability and a better future than I could have imagined. Time has past and it no longer feels like my enemy. The future that I kept telling myself is possible is now my present life. The future that I now see is even better than I could have hoped. Not everything is rainbows and butterflies but I am moving and growing towards that place, the place where I have written about, desired and dreamed about for a long, long time.

   My path looms ahead at times but it quit being scary. The nights are still long but they aren't as lonely as they have been.The days are still exhausting but they have purpose and drive me to a better tomorrow.

  If your desires and dreams start unfolding right before your eyes, what will you do with it? Are you more scared of what will happen if they do come true or if they don't? What we want and what we need may be two different things but what if you get both? Why not expect more? God said He will give us the desires of hearts, why do we expect any different? Be looking for your desires, dreams and passions to unfold right before your eyes.

THE GUILT THAT I CARRY

  It wasn't long after I became an adult, I discovered what guilt was. I carried it with me every day. When I cleaned the house, dealt with the kids and even went to church, I lugged around that guilt. It was so heavy. Every day, I was emotionally exhausted from carrying around that extra weight in my mind and my heart. I was physically tired.
  Now, I am a divorced, single mom with a job, the kids, church and many more responsibilities that I have on me every day. I have struggled with guilt again. There are times, I cry because my kids need their dad and I want them to just need me, I don't get home until after 6, they aren't with me most Sundays, etc. I feel guilty for having to work and not be there to pick them up from school or cook supper for them. It's been just us three a lot in their lives and that guilt comes back to me often.
   Every child needs their mom and dad, regardless of what that parent is like. I feel guilty for struggling with the fact they need a man in their life and no matter what I do, I can never fill that void. I feel guilty for allowing myself to get upset when there are verbal attacks launched at me or having things from my past life pop up in my current one.
   We re not made to carry guilt. Our bodies or minds are not able to sustain that weight. Lamentations 3:22-23 "It is of the Lord's mercies that we are not consumed, because his compassions fail not. They are new every morning: great is thy faithfulness." God only gives us what we can handle for that day. He doesn't give us more or less, it's just enough. I have this knowledge but it doesn't mean I don't fight with my emotions and guilt.
   Some of where I am is because of the choices I have made. Some of those choices were not good ones and some were. It seems that in times like these, the not so good choices, are the ones that stick out. I cannot change the past, but I can determine that what ever comes my way in the future I will meet and exceed the challenge. No one can control what is to come but we can control how we react to it. There are days I feel completely overwhelmed. I want to craw under the covers, cry, eat pizza and cookie dough and not come out for a week. Then there are days that I get up with a smile on my face and I know no matter what, I am going to be okay.
   When I was little, the Lion King was a popular movie. My favorite line is when the baboon hits Simba in the head and Simba says, "Ow! What did you do that for?" He then replies, "it doesn't matta, it's all in da past" That's so true. No matter what happened (that -ed makes it past tense) it isn't what is happening NOW. We process it, deal with it, forgive it and move on.
   The guilt we carry is a very real thing. I do not want to make it sound like it's unimportant. Sometimes we tell ourselves it is our punishment for whatever happened. We don't deserve to be forgiven. You are right, we don't deserve forgiveness but that is why it is called forgiveness. Forgiveness is always given to the ones who deserve it the least. "Father forgive them, for they know not what they do." Luck 23:34 If God can forgive the ones he created for murdering Him, who are we not to forgive? He forgave us. He knows we will fail. He knows our humanity but gave Himself for us.
  The guilt that I carry is heavy but not when I give it to God. There are so many things that I feel guilt over. Things that I cannot fix or emotions I have. I am not alone in my struggle because He is with me every step of the way. When I want to stomp my feet in protest, take off my earrings and heels and fight someone that is trying to hurt me, He is there telling me to settle down and helping me see the other side of things. When I feel guilty for even having those thoughts, I imagine Him chuckling at me and shaking His head because He knows me, my spunk and what I'm capable of and loves me anyway. The guilt that I carry is no longer on my shoulders, it is on His.
 

REBUILDING MY CASTLE

  Here I am again, looking at my life. I have traveled many miles in the past two years. I have moved a few times and worked in many different jobs to make ends meet. I have started over and over and over. Now, I am working at a job with amazing career potential that will provide my children and I with a secure future. I am attending a caring and loving church. I meet new people every week there and feel like I have found what I have been looking for within those walls. I have discovered many things about myself and other people. I have seen what strong children that I have. As I look forward, I see nothing. No picture is painted before my eyes of my future, just a space in which anything can be built. This space that represents my future has unlimited possibilities. In this space is where I will rebuild my castle. This castle can be made out of anything that I desire. Only the people that I want to enter will have access to it and to me. Everything about this castle will represent me in some capacity.
   The foundation needs to be strong, dependable and never change no matter what the weather. The walls of this castle need to be strong so all my enemies will be deterred but also inviting for the ones I love and that need to be loved to know that they can come in. The gate needs to be easy to lower for the ones that seek refuge and quick to be raised when danger is lurking. The furnishings need to represent royalty but make anyone of any station feel at home. The rooms need to be filled with love. The sounds should stir your soul and create a warmth deep within. The smells should take you back to a good place in your life and make you feel comforted. The spirit should put your mind at rest and make you feel safe as soon as you cross the threshold.
   How do I build this castle? Where do I begin? Every step has purpose. Every day holds a promise. The foundation will represent the Lord. His faithfulness, goodness and dependability is shown in every inch of the it. The walls represent every decision I have made. Every stone that is placed by me is a point in time that I decided to take the high road and do the right thing or let my humanity reign. If you look closely at those bricks you can see that decision play out as if it is a living picture. It takes time to build those walls and with every step, every day, a new stone is placed. The gate is what I allow in and out of the castle. Whether it is people, my own words or circumstances, it is up to me to allow it to come before my presence. Each time the gate is lowered I am risking the safety of the castle. The protection of the ones who reside within rests on my shoulders. The furnishings represent what I wear and how I carry myself. It represents my personality and class. The sounds of us lifting our voices in praise of each other and the Lord should be something that is commonplace. My spirit and love that I want others to learn and share should fill each and every area of the castle. When people come to my castle or in front of me, I want to leave feeling better than when they came. I want them to see a difference in me than anyone else. I want my castle and everything in it to represent a child of the King. I want the ones inside my castle to feel safe and loved. My castle may not be like the one I had before and that is my goal. I want it to be better than I could have even hoped for.
   In those times when my enemies do try to enter into my castle I want to handle it with grace and poise and let them know they have been dealt with. It needs to be in such a way that it doesn't hurt or harm them but make them think twice before even pointing themselves in my direction. I want to be known as a loving and caring queen but one to be reckoned with.
   Each day, I will look at my castle and see if there are any weak spots in its construction. Each day, I will remind myself of the responsibilities I have as a queen to the people and to myself. Each stone should be sturdy and represent a part of myself I am proud of. It is a big responsibility to build a castle but I have been equipped with the knowledge and fortitude to complete the task. The process is taking longer than I would like at times, but with the Lord as my foundation, there is nothing impossible that we cannot handle together. One day my castle will be completed and my story will be told to all of those who pass by my castle. My name will be carried on through generations. It is up to me what they see and the story that is told. You and I both know that story is gonna be nothing less than amazing!!

I ASKED GOD WHY

  We look at God as this supreme-being sitting up in Heaven on a marble throne with a sack full of lightning bolts with one at the ready just in case someone dares to do wrong.

     Where do we get this idea that we are being punished for a mistake? Where do we get this idea that He will take a child from us because we did something wrong? What a shameful thing to teach and a horrible thing to believe. God is the God of love. The LAST resort would be for Him to punish us. Any place you look in the Bible about Jesus’ time on earth He fought for our cause with God. He used a prostitute, a whore, a prideful king, a thief, a murderer, a liar and the list goes on. There were consequences to their actions but it was a last resort to do something as a capital punishment. God created us. Don’t you think He is smart enough to know what He got Himself into? He knew what He was undertaking when He decided to make man. Nothing that happens in our lives is a surprise to God. If you want to know why, ask! Are you afraid of the answer? You never know, you may get one.

     Some things I have seen, like losing a child at a very young age or babies undergoing heart surgery, etc. I don’t get it. I don’t have to understand, I just need to trust. Since I have gone through some unexplained craziness in my world, I have been a more compassionate and understanding person. Did I enjoy going through those things? Absolutely not! Am I glad I did now? YES!! I am so glad I have allowed the hard stuff in my life to change me into a softer person. I am a fighter, and may wear armor, but my heart is soft. I may shoot fire from my eyes, but if you look closely there is always a tear at the edges. I may come down with a “hard hand” but my arms are always open for a hug. My back may be stiff, braced for what is to come and my feet ready to run into the battle, but my shoulder is also open for someone to cry on them. Each time my heart has been broken it has mended even stronger than it was before. Each time I have cried tears of hurt, tears of joy weren't far behind.
I asked God why and He gave me my answer. I looked around me, at what used to be my life, and realized He gave me reinforcements long before I needed them. He gave me two strong little people who have been my constant and I have been theirs. When others came in and out of their lives as if it were nothing, we were always together. They have asked the questions I didn't think of and forgave with grace that has shamed me. They have been my backup dancers and singers as we flatfooted to bluegrass music in the kitchen.They have been my hide and seek partners. They have held my hand as we walked into the church alone. They have been my movie buddies and ice cream thieves. They have read my stories before anyone else and thought I was amazing because I could write. We have been study buddies and princesses on parade. We have been stealth fighters and hunting pros. We have read hours of stories and have created our own. We have decided that our future is what we make of it. We aren’t allowed to sit around and think of what was or what should have been. We think about what is. If we don’t like how things are then we change them. We decided that anything that comes into our lives will make us stronger. No one person will have the power to determine how our life turns out other than ourselves. We are overcomers, fighters, loving people that cannot wait for each and every day because we have reinforcements.

     I do not believe it is a bad thing to ask God the "why" of things. He position, power or intent isn't threatened. He knows how we are and what we lack. He isn't surprised at any of it. Sometimes, saying "God is in control." isn't enough. Sometimes, we need answers of questions we don't even know how to form. I love that He knows what I need, even when I don't. Ask. Look for the answer. Just never forget that God's love reaches through our questions and doubts and when we come to terms with what it happening in our lives, He will already be there.

*This is a little preview out of the book I have been writing. I hope and pray that you enjoy reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it.

JUST A LITTLE LIE

  Tonight was one of those nights that I had to do what every parent hates to do. I had to discipline my son for lying. He had lied about finishing his homework assignment and this was the second time. The first time was on his birthday, of all days. They both receive a "grace card" that they can use whenever they want on the first demerit for school. He used his on his birthday and took a small punishment for what else that had happened. This morning I had got an email that he hadn't finished his homework and was receiving a demerit. After correspondence with his dad, I found out the entire story and he had lied, again. My heart sunk, The entire day, every time I thought about the kids I felt a sense of dread because I knew what had to be done.

   I got home and said my hello's, took off my shoes and started warming up my supper. I called him into the kitchen. The conversation went a little like:
  "Did you get a demerit today?"
  "Yes"
  "Why did you get a demerit?" I could tell that his future hadn't sunk in yet.
  "I didn't do my math homework."
  "When daddy asked you if you finished your homework, what did you tell him?"
  (recognition) "I told him I did it all. I forgot that I had to do my math."
  "Did you have your math book in your book bag?
  "Yes."
  "Why else would you have your Math book in your book bag unless it was to do homework? What is in the front of your binder?
   "My weekly homework assignments."
  "So you do know where to find them?"
  "Yes." (weepy voice has fully taken effect at this time)
  " When you told your dad you did all your homework and you didn't have it done, what would you call that?"
  "A LIE!!!" (crying has set in)
  "When you did this a few weeks ago, what did I tell you?"
  "If I did it again I would get punished."
 
  I proceeded to lecture him on lying. I know everyone hates to be lectured but it is a tool to teach and teach I did.

  "You believe that telling that "little lie" bought you 10 minutes of extra play time but it snowballed. Now, you have to suffer the consequences of that choice. When you lie, it doesn't just affect you, it affects me, your dad, your teacher, your school work and your relationship with God. Just a little lie is now a huge ordeal. When you lie you break someone's trust. Not only to you have to catch up on that school work but you have to recover from the relationships that were affected by that 'little' lie."

  I drew a diagram of a lie in the middle and lines going from the circle with the word "lie" written in it, to other circles that had mom, dad, teacher, school work, J and God written in them. I showed him how far reaching it is when you tell a lie. I explained how each thing or person was affected by that seemingly small choice. Afterwards, I brought it home to him and honestly, I am still praying that it was a good move.

  "Do you remember what you told me when your dad left? You said that you knew why we weren't together anymore. You said that it was because dad lied. (He nodded his head.) He broke my, what?"
  "Trust."
  "I am practice for when you grow up. If you listen to me and obey the guidelines I set, more than likely, you will obey God when you are grown. If you start a habit of lying now, when you are 25 or 30 years old and break your wife's trust over and over again, your kids will be just like you and your sister. They will visit you on the weekends and staying with your wife during the week. They will be crying over the same hurt that you feel. Do you want that? You could possible prevent that from happening by practicing good habits now. Does that make sense?"
  "Yes."
   "I don't get disciplined by my parents anymore but I do get disciplined by God. If I don't obey Him, I have to pay the consequences as well. God gave you to me and I have a HUGE job of training you and giving you back to Him to serve Him one day. It's a big deal but I need your help. I need you to obey and listen, I am not trying to boss you around, I am trying to teach you for when I am not around anymore. There is no little boy I love more than you and what a good boy you are. It is all up to you. The decisions you make is yours. If you don't like the boy you see in that mirror than change it." (then he prayed and asked God for forgiveness. Called his dad and did the same)

  One of the hardest things I have to do, more so that discipline, is making sure the truths and the "why" behind what you teach them to hit home. I want them to not just follow MY rules but guidelines they will use from now until they are older. That is so important to me. I don't want them to do it because I say. I want them to do it because it is right. I don't know if you are aware but raising kids is not easy. If you think it is, maybe you should reevaluate what you are doing.
  Now that I have kids of my own, I can see that even the smallest things that I never gave much thought to were tools that were taught to me by my parents. When my kids were first born I realized what a "blank slate" they really were. It was my job to teach them EVERY little thing. What a huge and daunting task that looked like. They present you with many, many opportunities to teach them and show them the right way. At the same time, I really believe God uses that to show us some lessons as well. So many times I hear myself talking and think of God saying the same thing to me. It has changed my world.
  It is so hard to explain how much I love my children.  Even more so, it never ceases to amaze me how much more God loves us. I pray every day that I can be the parent my kids deserve. I pray that they will grow up to be more than just good citizens. I want them to be adults that change the world, even if it is just one person at a time.

WISHING ON A SHOOTING STAR

   The kids and I were walking in from church one night and it was so dark we could barely see the outline of the house. We looked up and it was breathtaking how much the stars shown. My daughter asked me, "If you wish on a shooting star, will it really come true?"
    (I am not one of those people that can out right lie to my kids, even if it about Santa or the Tooth Fairy. I will say something that lets the imagination work but I just cannot lie if they ask me outright. They know that and use it against me.)
    So, I told her as honestly as I could. "Well, if I ever see a shooting star, I wish on it. I don't recall if even one hasn't come true. So, if it doesn't work, don't tell me. I don't want to know. Let me wish on my stars and leave me be." She looked at me very skeptically after we got inside, shrugged her shoulders, said,"OK" and went to her room.
   
   The more I thought about that, the more I felt thankful that I never had to worry if my wish was coming true. My wishes sound a little more like prayers than wishes but I send them to the One that can deliver. I don't HAVE to wish or hope that a shooting star has some mystical powers that takes that wish with it and delivers it to some phantom being as it's last act before it goes into oblivion. The thing is, I know the Creator of the stars. He knows when that star has shown its brilliance for the very last time. He knew the exact second that it died and I believe He smiles at me when I send it off with a secret wish.
    We say that we believe in God, but do we really? We say He can do anything but how do we really know? What have we done that shows that we believe that? How easy it is, as those little phrases, verses and cliches just roll off our tongue. How do we back it? What has happened in our own life that shows other people that we have the "proof"?
    I have been through a time where I said all the right things and I sympathized with whomever I was speaking with. It wasn't until my own hard time came that I really believed in what God could do. I still try to control the situation, work myself to death and don't ever admit it but think that God is too busy or has people with "real" problems to worry about. After everything I have been through, I still think that sometimes. I have to make myself stop, turn around and look at where I have been. I have to remember where God walked with me, carried me and sometimes drug me along the way. Bless me, but I don't make it easy. I think before a guardian angel can retire, God sends them to me for six months to where I can help them earn their retirement. I imagine those angels walking into the celestial choir after their bout with me, scooting into their row. One nods their head at the other with a knowing smile on their face and says, "Stacy?" The other one, nods back and says, "Yep."  He knows my problems, weaknesses and dreams. It is up to me to ask. It is up to me to let Him show me who He is and work through me.
   I have seen some teenagers with very good singing voices sing in churches. Different group, same song but the church comes unglued. What is the difference? It's the "proof". They have lived a life where God proved that He was real. They have lived in a situation or had no one but Him. The words were the same. The music was the same. Four part harmony echoed throughout the building. The difference was, they didn't wish on a star and hope it would be okay. They knew it would be because they believed in a God that showed up and they allowed Him to work in their lives. Even when all they could do is cry in hurt and confusion, He heard their cry and answered their prayers. Those singers knew that He not only knows when that star fell but He knows their name.
 

 "He counts the stars one and all. 

He knows how much sand is on the shore.

 He sees every sparrow that falls.

 He made the mountains and the seas.

 He's in control of everything. 

Of all creatures great and small

He knows my name,

Every step that I take,

Every move that I make, 

Every tear that I cry.

And He knows my name,

When I'm overwhelmed by the pain

And can't see the light of day

I know I'll be just fine

Cause He knows my name.

I don't know what tomorrow may bring

I can't tell you what's in store

I don't know a lot of things

I don't have all the answers to the questions of life

But I know in whom I believe. "

DIRTY HANDS

  There have been so many times my kids have come to me with unidentified substances on their hands, face and coming out of every conceivable place on their body. They look at me with their big eyes and a sweet, melt your heart smile, wanting to be held. We have all seen a kid that has gotten into candy and runs up to their mom, hands held up, chocolate all over her and says, "I wanna hold you". The mom sweetly smiles, shakes her head at the child, picks the child up and calmly walks over to the sink, begins cleaning and talking or consoling the child. It is amazing how many times our kids have come to us with dirt, blood, candy, cake, food, unidentified slime and we just take it in stride, find the nearest hose and clean them off. Then, we send them on their merry way knowing that they will be back with something else we need to clean or dispose of. Those little dirty hands rarely ever are held up to us when they are clean. Our clothes can be covered in spit-up, snot, bits of food and we just take our kids as they come, mess and all.

    All I have are dirty hands. I come to my Lord with my hands held up in need of love, attention and someone to take me as I am. I am nothing without Him. He takes it all in stride and picks me up no matter what I have done or gotten into. He cleans me off and lets me go again knowing full well I will get into something else and He will have to clean me up again. I used to wonder how God had the patience to deal with me until I became a mom. It still amazes me but I get to see a small glimpse of that love through my kids. Those sticky finger prints on my car window that is like trying to remove super glue, reminds me that all I have to give are dirty hands. There is nothing I can offer God to amaze Him or win His approval. I need HIM. Not the other way around. I am a vessel, a tool for His use and His glory.

    We all want to think that He can use our talents and we really aren't THAT bad because we haven't ever.... But really, compared to perfection, we can never measure up. The things I know I shouldn't do, I do them. The things I desire in my heart and try to strive for, I don't do. Paul nailed it in Romans 7.
"For without me ye can do nothing." The little bit of "good" I may do is only contributed to the One that lives within me. Without Him....I cannot fathom where I would be, who I would be or even who I would be. The good thing is, I DON'T HAVE TO MEASURE UP. He loves me "as is". Dirty hands and all. I cannot earn His love or approval. He gives it freely.

    I am so glad that when I lift my hands in want of my heavenly Father, He doesn't look down at me in disapproval. He sees his baby girl in need of her dad. He sees an opportunity to hold me in His arms and help me get through a problem that I cannot get through without Him. He sees a chance to use my humanity to further His cause. When I lift my hands in praise, I do not impress Him. He sees dirty hands but He looks at them through eyes of love.


   

POINT OF REFERENCE

The other day I was talking and I realized that I said, since my divorce, after everything I've been through, a lot. My point of reference was always my divorce, the loss, the change in my life. It has been over a year since my divorce. I don't want every reference I make to involve my divorce as my point of reference in time. I need a new marker. I decided that I am going to start a tradition that the kids and I will do every year to close out our year and begin the new one. Something that has nothing to do with holidays or birthdays.
   I have been brainstorming and would love some suggestions as well. My thoughts are to take the kids out on a trail, have a picnic and have some time with just us to talk about our year and our expectations of the year to come. I want to have a time capsule and every year put our goals and burdens in that capsule. After that year we will read what our goals and burdens were and see what goals have been met and if God has chosen to take care of our burdens that we had that year. When should I do this? I am thinking a month after school starts we will do our little escape. That way, I can see, each year, how they are settling into school and address any problems at that time as well.
   We all know that divorce is hard. We know that it is a major mark on someone's life. I do not want every instance from now until I die to make a reference to that time. I want us to move on in word and deed. It is up to me to create the desire to set goals and dreams within themselves and give them the tools and encouragement to meet those goals. Now is the time when I can establish good habits and reinforce the hard stuff with a positive attitude. It will also require me to make goals and dreams for myself. It will give me the chance to share some burdens I have with the kids and give God a chance to help us with everything we put in our capsule. When it is opened, my hope is that those goals have been met and the burdens have been taken away.
   There is something in everyone's life that you mark time with. In my case, BD (before divorce) or AD (after divorce). I cannot wait around in hopes I get remarried, then add that as a marker. It may not happen. I will be wasting valuable time and effort, not to mention setting myself up for disappointment. It is up to me to make this a jumping off point.(Feel free to interject some ideas and also my crafty friends to help me think of something that would make a good time capsule. Regardless of the tradition that we come up with, the time capsule is a definite.) Our new point of reference will be something excited that we can enjoy as a family. Something that will create amazing memories and hopefully draw us closer. It is always easier to remember negative things in our life. We can remember what the weather was like, what we were wearing and many more details of a bad instance. I want to strive to create a day, tradition, mark of something that can be referenced that causes a smile, laugh or just a good memory in general. Honestly, I need to do that daily. Reflect on the positive that happened that day and not the negative so my new point of reference will be positive.

COMING HOME FROM BATTLE

  I am not a soldier. I have never physically been to battle. My battle was a different type. This week I realized I have come home from battle. I was fighting in a war, a battle not many knew about. Suffering from phantom pains and hidden scars, I go about my day trying to fit into the civilian life. No one sees the turmoil in my mind. Sitting in the service I started thinking about singing again and being in the choir. I had to make my body relax and tell myself how to breathe. As if unattached to my brain, my body started remembering old fears and worries of another time, at another church. It remembered that my every move was watched and anything I didn't do right I would be scolded or belittled for it. The last time I sang was one of the biggest victories I had at that point. It has been over two years that I have lifted my voice to the Lord in a church service as a soloist. No one saw my chest tighten and could see how light headed and panicky I felt. No one could hear my frustration as my head and my heart struggling against each other. I have not had anything like that happen in over a year! Where did that come from!?!
   The next day I was talking with some awesome people that I am learning to trust and love. I looked at them and I felt like I did not fit in. I felt like when I spoke that it was all coming out wrong. I felt that I would never measure up to who they are. Of course, I know how silly that is. As humans, we require other people to "measure up" to this insane standard we created when God, as the Creator of everything, knows we will never "measure up" and loves us anyway. I get that. I really do. However, I am still human. I looked at this young woman as she talked and saw how untouched by the world she seemed. I am sure she has had some hardships and challenges but she was untouched by the ugliness I have known. There may as well been a spotlight on me. I just felt so used, old, and battle worn. I felt like anything I said would come out wrong. The words and thoughts coming out of my mouth had a reference and a basis but that wasn't known. How much do I want them to know about me? Countless times I have shared little parts of my story just to have people look at me differently or act weird towards me afterwards and not be used to help others. Do I want to risk it?
  I walk into church and am so excited about being there but find myself more comfortable meeting someone off the street and helping a stranger than speaking to the "pillar" church members. It feels like I have two people fighting inside me. I have that strong warrior that has fought for myself and others for a long time and I have this lady that wants nothing more than to feel at home again. They do not coexist very well. When a simple line was spoken at a ladies meeting I recently attended, I bristled and wanted to rescue the speaker from feeling "not smart" or from "getting into trouble" with her husband. When she spoke of insecurities I heard, protection. When she spoke of doing this or that and "hiding it" from her husband, I heard domination. How did my thinking change so much? Where did this come from? Will I ever be that lady again or will I always be ready to run to the aid of others?
  Now, I walk into a room and don't just see some cute shoes or an outfit, I look at body language and their eyes. I can see almost see and feel their pain, tension or grief. It is like all of my nerve endings are on the outside of my body. People say, once a soldier, always a soldier. I have come home from battle but the war still rages, even if it is just inside of me.
   I started to wonder how long it takes a soldier to relax into civilian life. Really, once you have seen war and the destruction it brings, you can never un-see it.You are forever changed. The key is, figuring out how to cope with what you have gone through and how to use to it help other people.

  I am a daughter of the King. He loves me. I don't mean He loves me IF......He loves me (period)! No matter what battle or war you are going through, whether you feel like you are winning or losing, you are loved. I may not can wrap my arms around you when you cry but He can. I may not be able to take away the pain but He can. I may not even know your name but He does. Some of us have been in a relationship where we didn't know what love was so we assume God loves us in that same way. PLEASE don't judge God by how others portray Him. That feeling you get when you feel so alone and hopeless that you can't breathe and all the sudden you feel eerily calm....that is God. He is there. He is holding you. He was holding us up so we wouldn't be destroyed. (Ps 37:23&24) He will be here as we pick up the pieces and march on. Come home and know you aren't alone.

THE DANCE

As we walked into the auditorium it felt as if we walked into another world. The lights were dimmed and the temperature was almost cold, in a comforting way. We found our seats and the anticipation was building. The building filled up quickly and everyone spoke with excited whispers. As if on que, a stillness filled the room. We all sat on the edge of our seats and watched as the curtain lifted. The scene before us was beautiful. There were gorgeous bursts of colors and dark and gloomy places that were before our eyes. When just looking at those colors individually, it didn't make sense but from where we were sitting, the colors created a map of sorts. This map seemed alive. The colors grew and danced. There was a burst of lights and gorgeous dancers appeared. She was almost small for a dancer but the way she stood there awaiting the music, gave her an air of confidence that prevented us from taking our eyes off her. Her partner looked at her and she gave him an almost imperceptible smile. The music started. They were gliding across the stage and telling a beautiful story with their movements with the music as their guide. In their eyes it almost seemed as if they had an inner source giving them the next move to make. They were flawless. I held my breath as you could see her gearing up for a diffucult turn and jump. All the sudden, they fell!! They hit the floor, hard. Everyone jumped to the edge of their seat as if to help. Within seconds the lights went out except for one silhouette. It was her. I couldn't tell if she was stunned or if it was part of the dance. Where was he? It seemed as if the entire crowd breathed as one. The lights slowly became brighter but they still had a heaviness in them as she moved into the dance so slowly. I don't even remember if the music stopped. I felt as if I was on the stage with her, in her ear telling her to keep going and finish the dance. When that thought completed in my mind, the colors were almost blinding and she bursts forth in perfect timing with the music. The dance continued on. She had a different look in her eyes now. Again, she was flawless and beautiful as she turned and moved as if fluid in her motions. The look she held now was one of purpose. She seemed to be more tenacious. Although for a time she seemed to think of every move instead of it coming naturally.....
My mind was reeling. I was trying to understand what went wrong. We were dancing flawlessly. The best of our career! All the sudden we were on the floor. The lights went dark all around me and the main music stopped although some soft notes were still heard. My heart was beating so hard it blocked out everything else. The pain in my body was trying to block out the music as it struggled to over power my mind.What do I do? What happened? I turned around and he was gone. He never said a word and I was alone, in pain in front of everyone. All I could think of was DON'T GIVE UP. There is no choice other than to keep going. I could hear the voice of my instructor saying to me, "If you stumble make it part of the dance." I slowly rose. As if I told them to, the lights met my mood. I felt horrible pain and was unsure if I would be able to even take a step. My body just took over and did what it had been trained to do. I had to think of each step and I was praying I didn't look as robotic as I felt. My steps were in tune with the music but I wasn't sure if I could continue the entire dance. Out of the corner of my eyes I saw movement. As if in a dream, a man appeared. This isn't a part of the dance! He isn't my usual partner! Will he know the right steps? Can he step in and make this seem a part of the routine? He met me on the floor in front of the crowd. We locked eyes and immediately I felt calm. He touched my arm and we started our dance. It wasn't planned. I had no idea how to dance with this new partner. He was a great dancer. He gave me a calm that I hadn't felt with my usual partner. He guided me in different steps and lifts than I had practiced. It seemed planned. It felt natural. I felt like the pain melted away as our bodies moved as one. It seemed as if I drew strength from his presence. I could read his mind with just a touch and he did the same with me. It was almost magical. The crowd seemed to be lost in this new arrangement and I believe they thought it was all planned. The lights went down and the curtain fell. Barely a moment passed when a roar was met our ears. It was muffled through the curtain but we knew what it was. The curtain raised enough for us to walk in front of the crowd and they were on their feet! There were tears in some of their eyes. My partner had left. He would never dance with me again. Somehow I knew, that my dancing would be brought to another level with my new partner. It was exhilarating and terrifying. We moved as if we were one body, mind and spirit. We stood side by side and it felt as if he had been there all along. After this dance, I would never be the same dancer again. That fall could have ended my career. Stopping the show could have destroyed the company I danced for. It was so unexpected but I was stronger than I thought. That dance became the moment I knew that my life would never be the same. I didn't know where my new partner came from or how he knew my style of dance but we worked together effortlessly. It hurt me that the partner I had my whole career would no longer dance with me. He gave up in the middle of our dance but I did not. I'm still unsure what the crowd thought. I thought that I was finished. The pain in my body from the fall was blocking my connection to the music. My body was in pain but as if on it's own accord, it didn't quit moving. At first, the movements were robotic and I had to improvise without a partner. I almost felt numb as my muscles did what they were taught. When my new partner appeared and touched my hand, I knew that I would never be the same. The fall that could have ended everything, instead started me on a journey that will never be forgotten.

BEING QUEEN

   Once upon a time in a not so far away land, I was the queen of my castle. I ruled over dust bunnies, germs, bacteria and two small dwarfs. We conquered mountains of dirty laundry and defeated the dragons under the beds. We hid from the king and when he least suspected it, we would all trap him under our weight. We defeated the kingdoms that were in our castle. The dwarfs were taught how to be like a prince and a princess. We built forts and played dress up and tried to turn the king's head. I was the queen. I also ran the castle. I did not ask anything to be done that I have not done myself. I ran the kitchen staff. I orchestrated clean up. I also drove the royal chariot. Our "horses" names were "Honda" and "Odyssey". My castle wasn't perfect, but it was mine. If one were to put a degree's standards to the knowledge I had as queen and keeper of the dwarfs, I would say I was working on my doctorate.
   Then one day something completely unexpected happened, our castle had been overthrown by spies and we didn't even know it. Everything we knew and loved was no longer there. We had to pack up our castle, sell all our valuables and flee to the mountains. The king's heart had been turned and he was lost in the battle as well.
   Now, instead of running my castle and caring for the things and the ones I love, I help run other peoples castles. I count the money for other kings and lords. I clean other peoples floors and do their laundry while also doing my own. I am working while my little dwarfs that have magically became as big as I, are being watched and taught by someone else. The king still loves my little people and they go and see him on the other side of the divide. His new queen tucks them in each night and says the prayers I am supposed to be saying. She cooks their meals and answers their questions when I am not there. I am at my new dwelling, my cottage, waiting for my little loved ones to come home to me. I love my work and the amazing people that I have been working with but nothing replaces my castle. My king and I had funny little things we said to each other. I would hide from him and try to scare him when the little ones were in their dreamland. I would tickle him til he couldn't stand it. I would sing love songs to him and never move my eyes from his. Now, we are no more. It doesn't even seem real. When I see the one that was my king, he isn't the man I once knew. His voice isn't even familiar anymore.
   Daily, I get up and go to my new castle full of the peoples earnings and work with the amazing women that have their own stories to tell. Nightly, I come home to my cottage and can feel how empty it is. While the little people are away, it almost feels like a tomb. Where once there were all of the village people's children coming in and out and lots of laughter heard, is now just a shell of what once was. I no longer have a lush bed where I rest my head in peace and safety. I sleep on a couch. It is almost a comfort because it feels as if I am sleeping next to someone again. At night, all of the lights no longer go out. There is always one. It is no longer kept on so my love could see how to find me, it is kept on so I could see if someone were to come in to harm us and could take aim on the villain.
  At night when changing out of my work clothes, I feel my waist length hair softly down my back. It no longer brings a smile because I know the king loves it so. I long to feel someone lovingly touch my hair and get their hands tangled up in my silky locks. It doesn't matter what I put on because no one is there to admire my choice. I wear what I want to and it doesn't feel as triumphant as one might think. I go through the house cleaning up the remnants of whoever was in that room and absentmindedly left something there. I cook or just don't bother. I no longer think days in advance what to make in order to get the most approving compliments. It doesn't matter anymore. I cook what I want if I desire to do so. When the little ones are home it is a royal affair. We cook and clean together and make it an event. We talk of the day or little life lessons they need to know in order to one day be a king or a queen of their own castle. We laugh and tease and the house feels alive again.
   I loved being a queen. It was so gratifying to know that my castle was ran with finesse. Now, I have a hard time knowing what to do and what my station is. In my mind, I am still a queen. In reality, I am but a servant to the people. To my little ones, I don't know what they think of me, I feel like I am fading away and becoming invisible hands. I want them to view me as a queen that is temporarily on holiday and will return to my throne before too long. My thrown will be in a different kingdom but it will be ran with more care than even before.
  At times, I feel quite lost. Cooking and cleaning has lost its fun. Dressing up is still done with care but it doesn't feel as rewarding with no one there to admire the results. Decorating was such a fun delight. Every thing was just so and the anticipation of the king's approval was better than all of the gold in the kingdom. Now, I have a hard time unpacking a box and knowing what I want to do with its contents. It is such an odd place to be especially for one of my character and station. To have once been a queen but need direction like a child. Each coin that I earn is like gold. Each sacrifice made, I pray my little ones will love me for it and not despise my absence. No matter how many people I have met, no matter where my cottage is located, nothing has felt like home. I am looking forward to the day when I again am reigning over my kingdom. Not as a ruler but as one that wants the very best for the people that I love. That day may be near or it may never come. I may be looking towards a Heavenly kingdom instead of an earthly one. Either way, I will be queen. I will be a loving queen with a desire to serve my little ones and my Lord for as long as He deems fit.
   If you have been overthrown by spies and the lies they have spread. Take heart. This is just preparation for a time when you will need the strength of heart that you are learning right now. You will be showing your little ones how to have the heart of royalty. You will teach them to follow in your ways and those ways will lead them to redemption. Your castle will be even stronger because you will know the weak spots like you didn't know before it was overtaken. Love will be what you wield and your strength will be what write about it the history books. Our heavenly kingdom is full of people just like us. They are there cheering us on and holding the trumpets to one day celebrate our arrival. Until then, persevere. Every day is a chance to work towards making our kingdoms a reality. Do not worry about the king that used to reign but the one that may be found worthy enough to reign in the kingdom you will share. If one is not found worthy to be a guide to your little ones, then reign alone with the strength and beauty that THE KING gave you. Reign with grace and truth as you guide for I will be reigning with you and our kingdoms will be honored in the years to come.

WHAT IF IT WERE THEM

  Lately I have been tossing around the "why" in my mind in regards to a lot of things. It hit me today when I told someone that I wished I could take what they were carrying. I can take it. A few hours later I started thinking about that conversation. What if some of the things I am going through is in place of someone else, like my children? What if the reasoning behind this is in order to protect them?
   When they are sick, running a fever or have a test coming up, I wish I could go in their stead. I wish it were me that were sick and they would never feel that pain. What if I am going through this because I am keeping them from this type of situation? What if I can teach them how to think for themselves, the warning signs, how to make informed decisions, etc, because of where I have been?
   Life is life. It is hard. It is fun. It is scary. It doesn't make sense. It is what it is. BUT, just wonder what I am saving my kids from by going through it myself? First of all, it is so much easier to take. Secondly, to experience something you wouldn't wish on your worst enemy and maybe be saving your kids from the same fate, is awe inspiring.
   I can handle it. I have said that a lot. When the horse landed on my leg and crushed my knee, I remember thinking that I can handle the pain. I was grinding my good foot into the ground, trying not to move, holding onto handfuls of grass, gripping it as hard as I could and groaning, but in my mind I was telling myself, "I'm ok. I'm ok. I've got this. I'm just glad it was me." I've told my friends, my family and God the same thing.
 I DO have this. I AM okay.
   If I were completely honest, sometimes I just want to be mad. I want to scream to the top of my lungs while tearing something into shreds like a crazy lady. I want to just pout and feel sorry for myself. Sometimes, I do. I want to laugh hysterically for no reason at all. I want to not care what anyone thinks and do whatever I want. Sometimes I do and live to regret it. I feel like sometimes I live in a haze and I conquer something just to start struggling with something else I thought I conquered already. But what if the reason for it all was my kids?

   What if the countless hours I spend alone and missing them so bad I feel like I won't be able to keep the tears from coming was for them? Maybe to be strong and give them the example they need for the future. Maybe it is because it is preparing me for letting them go one day when they go off to college. Each time I tell someone goodbye because they aren't a good fit, is for the kids. Each hour I work, each piece of clothing I fold, each moment I spend cooking or cleaning, each decision I make, each laugh that I have, each tear that I cry is for my children. My purpose in this world is for my kids. I may not ever remarry and that is something I will adjust to if it means giving my kids what they need. God gave me these two incredible, special, little people to love, teach and show that He is real. Every hurt, ache and pain has a place in the scheme of my life and in theirs. They may not ever know the nights like this one and for that I will be so thankful. They may not ever know the feeling of seeing the one they saved themselves for and gave them everything, in a picture with another woman and a wedding band, she gave him, on his finger. They may not ever see their children get in a car with a person they no longer know, a woman who has the name you used to say with pride and leave for a week at a time. They may not ever have to experience the loneliness and emptiness from losing a spouse. BUT IF THEY DO, I pray I will have the example they will follow. I pray that all of this will be for a greater purpose in their lives. I pray that if I died tomorrow, the legacy I leave behind me will live on in them. I pray that through my life their journey is sweeter.

 What if it were them? I would rather it be me. 

COMPARING MOUNTAINS

  A very important lesson that I have learned this week is not to compare mountains. Something all mothers have been through is child birth. Some were laying on the bed and had a major contraction to hit, pause, laugh a little nervously and say,"Oop. There's another one." then continued on talking. Others have a contraction hit and start ripping sheets, throwing stuff, grabbing nurses and screaming at them to give them more drugs and using choice language. We have all been through some of the same things but we each have different ways we handle those things. You cannot measure the strength of one mother to-be against the other one. There is no winner and loser comparing the two. Did they have a successful child birth? Did everyone around them recover mentally? (haha) There ya go.
  Some of us can turn down a piece of chocolate or an extra piece of pizza and not think anything about it. Some, turn it down and then spend the day with their mouth watering and eating as much as you want that night in your dreams. When you turn down dessert or don't literally lick your plate clean, you feel like you deserve a trophy, sticker, something. Some people get commended for not ever eating chocolate and secretly it gives them diarrhea. It is no victory but they act like they are supreme. It makes you envision holding them down and making them eat a King size Hershey bar.
  I made a remark the other day that I felt like I was tougher than I thought I was and maybe, just maybe I have a purpose I didn't realize. Maybe God isn't done with me yet. Then, the more I thought about it the dumber I felt. I could have been diagnosed with cancer, paralyzed, had a total knee replacement and the list goes on. Instead, the doctors cannot explain my injuries and are amazed at how my knee is still intact. Did it minimize the amount of pain I experienced and the severity of the situation? No. The situation wasn't as severe as it could have been but the pain was real. Did I die from it...obviously not. If I compare my mountains or valleys to someone else's I may always come out second best or not even in the running. I didn't have hundreds of people raising money for my recovery or rallying to my aid. What I did have was some people that gave a little to help me get in to see the doctor. I had family members that came to check on me. I had an amazing gesture made by my mom's husband by ordering me supper to be sent to the house and volunteering to take a sick day to come help me. I had a friend that lives in a few states away trying to work it out where she could come up and help me as well. The amazing people I work with calling me and volunteering to bring me stuff. That's what I had. My knee was crushed but I will recover without surgery. Some people may not rally until someone dies. I think I would rather not go that far just to have them come.
  My problem was, I compared what I went through to someone else. I started feeling loved and victorious and strong. Then, I felt silly because what I went through wasn't as severe as someone else. God gives us all circumstances to go through. He gives us opportunities to depend on Him more. Choices to make. Hard times to triumph over. In my case, I am a people person, a servant. Being alone is something I hate. I mean, I despise it. God allowed me to go through this, somewhat alone, meaning I have no spouse or significant other to help me on a daily basis. I hate not being able to do for myself. I am supremely independent. Sometimes to a fault. Someone else may prefer to be alone and them being in my situation wouldn't have brought them out of their comfort zone at all. I have had the opportunity to see who my friends are, to see the heart of my church, and to see the attitude of my kids. Some things I have seen, I didn't like. Some things, I will never forget.
  Comparing what I have gone through does nothing but take away the triumph I have. It takes away what God has brought me through. Comparing anything usually gets is into trouble. This situation made me remember to not compare my mountains or victories and valleys or hard times with someone else's. To not discredit what I have been through for any reason. God brought me to and He will bring me through. How I handle each thing will show what I am made of. It doesn't have to be a big deal to you but it is a victory or defeat to someone. Don't discredit someone or even yourself. If someone gives you praise, be thankful for it. If someone is there to give you a hand up, reach out your hand freely. We are each fearfully and wonderfully made. To say anything contrary, no matter the situation, would be to discredit God.
   The only comparing you should do is compare how you handle your present situation to the past one.  Let's celebrate our victories, cry over the defeats but never, ever give up in them!!

I WAS LOST

  The past two weeks had really opened my eyes up to who I am and how I really feel about things. I have realized that I have felt lost for a long time. There is no one telling me what to do or planning my life out for me. There is no one helping me with my decisions. Everyone has an ulterior motive of some kind. I remember who I used to be. I have been able to pinpoint the handful of decisions made by me or for me that made my life what it is today.
  I feel jipped. I feel like that I wasn't giving the opportunities I should have been given. I wasn't given the chance I deserve to choose where my life should go. If I would have had .....in my life, where would I be now? I am sure we have all said the same thing about a person, instance or circumstance in our lives. I devoted my life to two men that let me down. I honored them and did everything they asked of me and more and where are they now? I feel like I have been betrayed by the ones I supported and were blindly loyal to. Now, where do I go from here?
  I feel insignificant. I feel like anything that happens in my life is so inconvenient for everyone. I don't know how I could be so selfish to not schedule life changing things around everyone else, but that is just how it worked out. A couple days afterwards, I felt like that if that horse would have crushed me and killed me that there would still be complaints about how my funeral interrupted someone's day. There would be some that said that was "God's judgement on me." I sat in my chair at the house after calling and texting everyone I knew that lived around me, church members included, and couldn't reach anyone. I sat there unable to even get up and get water and felt utterly alone and insignificant. I felt like I didn't matter. Everyone has their Facebook lives and shows up for church, but really doesn't care beyond what they can capture and upload on to their online timelines. I could have died. What kind of mark would I have left other than my headstone?
  Those instances that I mentioned that led me to where I am in life seem so clear to me now. If I would have just waited a few more days, weeks or months. If I would have listened to what my heart told me and not sought advice from someone up to their neck in their own secret sins, I wouldn't be where I am.
  The other side of me looks at those moments and decisions and tells myself, if I wasn't here, I wouldn't have what I have. Not only knowledge through experience but friends and family as well. I wouldn't just be in a different place, I would be a different person. During all of this, I have prayed so often that God would let me see when someone needed a lift, an encouraging word, a friend. Put people in my path that I can show them they aren't alone. Again, where do I go from here?
  At any given moment, there are people telling me what I should do. What job I should take. Where I should live. Who I should or shouldn't date. How to raise my kids. There are so many voices coming at me at once that they sometimes drown out the voice of the One that I need to hear the most. In a way, my life feels like a shambles. I feel like I am trying to rebuild a house with burnt wood and shattered glass. I am scrambling to make myself ok when I went through something that broke me. I went through several things that almost, almost destroyed me. I was angry. I don't mean mad, I mean angry. I have been so mad that I wanted to run over anything and everything in my way. So angry, that it started from deep inside me and radiated to my toes up to my hair. I have been so broken that I couldn't even cry anymore. I have felt so dead that I felt like I walked through life like a robot waiting, praying God would take me home. I have felt so alone I was afraid to die because no one would show up for me at my funeral, no one would grieve my loss. I was afraid to love because the ones I love, leave. I was afraid to breathe because even that hurt. I felt like everything I was died. I was a shell. My laugh was hollow. My eyes were just and dead as all my dreams.
   I am lost. I always had someone in my life to listen to and point myself towards. When I was younger, it was my dad. Once I was married, it was my husband. Now, who is my "North"?

[Knowing God is with me and is Who I should pattern my life after is a given in this whole post]

Who is the one to debate the current decisions and child rearing with? Who do I call now when I have a bad day? Who will even care when I want to vent without throwing Bible verses or knowledge I already have, at me when I just want to be human for a minute? Yes, God is and has become my everything. There is NOTHING wrong with wanting, desiring a physical representation of that relationship. Nothing. 

  I have been spending the last few weeks determining what I want. Who I want in my life. What is my main goal right now? For me, my main goal is to provide for my kids and rear them to be amazing earth changing adults. I may not have been created to change the world, but I may have been created to raise the ones that do. THEY are my reason for being who I need to be right now. Eventually, I will be that person because it is what I should do. For now, they are my drive. They are the reason I want to better myself. Who are they going to emulate? Why would I want them to copy someone else that may have ulterior motives? 

  What are my goals? What is my drive? Just because I have that knowledge doesn't mean the scars, hurt and the feeling of being lost leaves me. I believe, it will come. Honestly, I believe I am standing at a crossroads and the decisions I make right now will determine not only my future but the future of my kids. 

   I have been through so much. I have had people in the background but even those people don't know that half of it. Some things, I am just admitting to myself. I would never voice certain things to ANYONE. 

   I have discovered how strong I really am. I have discovered how determined I am. I have discovered how driven I am. I have discovered how tough I am. I have discovered how amazing my kids really are. These are amazing discoveries that only come in extreme situations. I have the knowledge that a lot of people never realize about themselves and when they do they let the anger, hurt, fear and circumstances overtake them instead of fighting through it. 

I AM A FIGHTER. 

Watch me change the world. Whether it be through my kids or fighting to overcome all odds.

JOIN ME. 

Join me in a battle of the mind. Join me in the battle over the ones who seek to destroy our hopes and dreams. Join me in meeting this enemy head on while maintaining a good heart, mind and spirit. 

SIT ON THE SIDELINES BUT ROOT FOR THE WINNING TEAM. 

If you don't have that tenacity that you admire in others. Cheer them on instead. 

I AM A WARRIOR.

In my hand I have a Book to guide me. In my heart I have a fire that was lit by suffering but continues to burn because of the desire to see the ones that suffer find comfort. My arms are built for battle but find that offering a hug conquers more fears than wielding a weapon. My shoulders are stout but have been made for helping carry not just my load by helping with my fellow combatants. My legs are built to walk on when others cannot take another step. They were made to help me walk to the ones that need someone even in the roughest terrain. My feet are tough and wide to help me maintain my balance as my legs carry my and my shoulders carry someone else when they give up walking their path. My head hold the key to getting through the battles I go through. My spirit never quits. My spirit sometimes guides my head and my heart to walk on even in the darkest times. 

I AM A MOTHER

There is nothing that drives me more than being a mother. My kids are the ones I fight for. When the battle seems hopeless, pointless and lost, all I have to do is look at them and my spirit is renewed. No person comes before my kids. But my kids are why I am a fighter and a warrior. They are the reason you should watch me. Because of them I have been counted down, but not been counted out. They are the ones I fight for and they will be the ones I win for. 

WATCH ME.

Watch me become victorious