SPEAK FOR ME

  When I was younger, I was introduced to Doris Day movies. She became my favorite movie star and still is. She played on a movie called "I'll see you in my dreams" and was trying to explain to the man in the movie that you write songs for the ones that do not know how to say "I love you". The reason that I write is for the people that do not know how to translate their emotions on paper. In addition to that, I want everything I write to be a help to anyone that reads it. Whether it makes you laugh, cry or it sticks with you, I want every post on this blog to touch someone. I don't care to have millions of followers but I do hope to touch 1, every time.
  I've had some people comment to me recently that they read and loved my blogs. I think that is so awesome! I feel the need to apologize for my sporadic posts. As you know, I got remarried in June and now have 3 stepchildren. If I thought my life was crazy before, it is insane now! Sometimes it is very hard for me to write a post because I feel that my audience has changed some but I still want to be able to touch all the people I had reached before. Not only that, but my mind and heart has been assaulted with so many new emotions that is has become quite difficult to decipher them in order to write something that would be helpful, make sense and not too informative. Hopefully, I was very discrete about some things through my divorce. Now, I have an ex, his family, husband, his ex, his family, his kids and so much more to make sure I am not too descriptive about. I went from carrying the burdens of divorce to carrying the burdens of divorce, a blended family, being remarried and many more. I'm so thankful for the second chance that I have but with it comes so much more no one can really prepare you for unless they knew the future. My mind has been so clouded with the burdens and people around me that it has been hard to find the clarity to write.
  I know there are others that are dealing with loss, a spouse, children or just life in general and just wish they could put their feelings on paper. I think my problem isn't not having anything to say but rather saying too much. I know what it feels like to not know if my groceries will last. I know what it feels like to feel alone in a crowded room. I know what it feels like to be on the brink of hopelessness, insignificant and a waste of space. Sometimes I felt like if someone could just speak to my heart, I could catch a glimmer of hope again. If I could just get a hug, human contact, from someone that loved me, I could breathe again. If I could just go back and undo some mistakes, maybe I could repair my current situation. If I... Could last all day, a lifetime even.
  When I was in my early twenties, married, and we were going through a rough patch, I would slip into the "if only" and fantasize about what would have been if I would have made a more informed decision when it counted. That fantasy life was a dangerous place to go to. Now, I have a firm grasp of reality and sometimes reality can weigh you down. I find myself longing for a simple life where there is no such things as traffic jams, divided homes and what you eat is what you have grown. It isn't a possibility right now but I pretend that eventually it will be. I even set goals for myself. It may be a small goal of putting on makeup and doing all the laundry, including folding and putting it away, in an entire day. It may be a large goal of finishing my book I've been writing. If I can check one thing off on a bad day and several things off on a good day, I've made progress.
  The "if only", fantasy world (even found in books and tv) is not a healthy place to live. There are many things about my current status that I cannot change, like how the "other parent" thinks, feels or rears the children. What I can do is do what's right and do it consistently. That is itself and a daunting tasking. I can pray for the children when they are home and while they are away. I can pray for my hubs and show him what he needs to see of God in me. I'll be honest, sometimes it doesn't feel like "enough". I want everyone around me to be ok and when I can't fix it, I feel myself spiraling into a pit. I've had to learn that it is ok to "let go" of it and give it to God. If I'm tugging on the problem, He may not have the room to work that He needs. When I feel that pit looming, I have to take myself out of the situation and try to step back and find some good in the fact it cannot be fixed when I want it to be. Sometimes, that is SO HARD!
  I've read James 1:17, "Every good and perfect gift is from above and comes down from the father of lights, with whom is no variableness, neither shadow of turning." Variableness means that there no chance of him changing. I love that about God. Life changes every second and sometimes my emotions follow suit. I love that no matter what is going on God is the same. He loves me as much right now as He did before I messed up, lost faith, felt overwhelmed, etc.
  The "situation" I'm in is my gift? Seriously? Think about that verse from that angle, it helped me to. The situation, tough time and even good times were a gift from God. Breathing is a gift, everything else a bonus. Heard that one? I'm thinking.... No more bonuses! Even in a tough time God is showing you what you're made of, even if we really didn't care to know right now.
  I apologize to those of you who have told me that my posts have been too few and to those who only like to read only the funny stuff I write about the kids, I'm working on a good one for you too! Just know that no matter what is weighing you down (or bringing you up), you aren't alone. Sometimes our wings get wet and makes it harder to fly. They will dry and we will be soaring once again!

MY CHILDREN ARE SPIES

  I have discovered, my children are spies. They are clever spies and are very covert. They are at the top of their game at such early ages. As I vacuumed the floor, I happened across several of their trade secrets. They had unfolded a Bobby pin and stuck it through the carpet by the bathroom door to serve as a hidden "key" just in case they were locked out. I also discovered that where their curtains puddled on the floor, was an excellent place to hide little things that they didn't want their co-conspirators to find. There was little hair things and itty bitty toys they never thought anyone would find as I lifted the curtains to vacuum underneath. They had taken great care to hide all kinds of valuable Intel. There were books hidden in between mattresses, under the bed and carefully shoved in between the mattress and the headboard. Instead of bread crumbs to lead the way, my modern day Hansel and Gretels put a path of the tiny colorful hair ties, that they can also use for crafts, as clues to where they had been. These amazing spies that I am apparently raising had also written messages on the walls of the bathroom when the steam had caused the walls to be wet. The palm scanner was so covertly hidden on the opposite wall, that all I could see were the handprints. It is uncanny how smart they are. As I was on my hands and knees, wiping the bathroom floor, I noticed globs of toothpaste strategically placed so they could leave messages stuck to them whenever the need would arise. 

   I moved onto the couches and thought of how suspicious the weight of the couches would have been if we were going to move them since they were heavy with all kinds of goodies. There were toys, hairbrushes, pencils, finger nail clippers and all sorts of hidden treasures. What is so ironic about that particular stash is they can never produce any of these things when they need them. Apparently they are such good secret keepers, even they forgot where they were hidden. 

  They have not mastered going through my room without leaving a trace. As they cross over into my room, everything has to be searched for "bugs". They must touch everything in the room to ensure it is safe to talk. However, they do not return each item where they found it or sometimes in the same condition that they found it in. So far, we've been "bug" free but you never know when that could change. They leave their "calling cards" in the shape of colorful, mismatched socks, throughout the house just to let everyone know they were there. How kind and thoughtful they are. 

  My sweet little spies are stealthy little things that need lots of practice until they go to the "big time". I'm happy to oblige my .007 agents in training. I try to make it as challenging as I can when I wipe off their messages and stashes of goodies, just to keep them on their toes!

I'VE GOT A QUESTION

  I have been married for almost 6 months. We have been a blended family for almost 6 months. We have learned A LOT about each other. It is such a struggle for me to get my thoughts together and post a blog. I carry more on me in some ways than I thought I would. Having 3 additional children. It isn't a bad thing at all. It has taught me a lot about myself. I have seen myself through someone else's eyes. I have had emotions towards them that I would have never thought I would. I have struggled with jealousy, love, injustice, opinions, beliefs and fear. It has been a wonderful and tumultuous ride.

  I'm a tad bit opinionated. However, I try to base my opinions on what the Bible says. When my opinions are asked for, I give it without a problem. Now I am in the position of a stepmother and my filter must be put on high. As an ex wife, it must remain on high as well. I asked one of our 5 children what they were scared of with each parent in their life. They were very honest, even about me. Have you ever saw yourself through your kids eyes? It can be enlightening. She told me that what scares her about me is when they do something they shouldn't and how it makes them feel bad that they did wrong. Another parent, they were scared of because they screamed and threatened them when they were bad. As they went through all the parents, their school and friends, it really painted a picture for me of how they viewed things.

  This same child had an attitude with me a couple weeks ago with her voice, neck and body. I saw red! I had to walk away. However, when she said she feels guilt for doing wrong, I felt like that was a success. When the children do wrong, I walk them through the whole ordeal...

  What did you do? Why is that wrong? How should you have acted or reacted? You chose wrong, do you understand that? When you do wrong, what is that? Sin. Sin has to be what? Punished. Your parents are practice for learning to listen to God one day. When we ask you to do something that you don't understand or don't want to do and you do it with a good attitude anyway, you will eventually respond to God in the same way. Do we punish you because we want to see you sad? No. We punish you because that is what God says to do. It teaches you to think about the consequences the next time you come to that crossroads.
 
  Tonight, I was tucking the girls in and he let me pray with them this time. I started a silly tradition with Kayden, 9 years old, when Robby and I were dating and we would tuck them in. I would peek in her room just enough for her to see the outline of my face. She starts to giggle and I take off running and jump in her bed. I was leaning over her and kissed her little soft cheek and she said, "I've got a question." To which I responded, "I have an answer. You can ask me anything." She smiled really big and said, "Do you have to go to church to be saved?" All the bells and whistles in my head went off. I started praying in my head that this would be the opportunity I was looking for to share the gospel with her. I had thought about it this week a few times, wondering if I should open that door or let her.
I started from the beginning with Adam and Eve and told her where sin came from and how it was passed to us all. I explained what sin is and how Jesus died on the cross for us. I drew the picture of Jesus dying on the cross and He looked through time and saw me. He knew I would meet her. He knew I would marry her daddy. He knew my heart and my need for Him. As he hung there on the cross, he knew of our existence and He died for us. I explained our need for Him, the purpose behind church and reading our Bible. Then, I asked her if she would like to ask Jesus into her heart. She said YES. I called her dad into the room and told him what had taken place. I asked her, "If you disobeyed your mom, would you no longer be her kid?" She shook her head no. "The same way is with God. If you disobey and sin, you are still His child. You still must ask for forgiveness, just like you do when you wrong someone else, but you will always be His child once you ask Him into your heart." I saw the light come on in her mind and that it had hit its mark. I prayed for her and thanked God for softening her heart towards Him. I begged Him to help us show that God is real every day. When I paused, she prayed something like this... Lord, forgive me of my sins. Please come into my heart. Thank you for dying on the cross for me. Help us tomorrow as we go to church to learn more about you. Please help all of my family to get saved too. Thank you Jesus. Amen.
  It took everything in me to not start blubbering. We told her we would get her a Bible to take to her moms house and I would underline really good verses that would help her everyday. We assured her that if she had any questions to come ask us and we would explain anything to her. If we didn't know, we would find out and learn together. I walked out so her dad could talk to her alone and express how proud he was of her alone. As I stepped out of the room I heard noises in the little girls room. I peeked inside and they said, "Would you read that Bible to us too?" If I could have melted, I would have been a puddle. It was then I hid in the bathroom and cried. Robby came in there and we held each other rejoicing over that sweet little girl answering the call and seeing her need for a Savior.
 
  Honestly, I have been discouraged. There has been a lot going on lately and you get to wondering if anything is taking? I try to have lessons with the kids every time they come. They will beg sometimes.  You wonder, are you understanding? Am I being clear? Am I saying the right things? Are their spirits growing? Guess what? They are!! Tonight was total proof. The lessons that we have had, the prayers prayed, the rules and guidelines implemented have all been working together. Isn't it amazing how God works? I have a question for you. Is God real to you? Is He real to your kids? How are you showing them that you aren't just going through the motions? Don't be discouraged! They are listening even when you think they aren't! This has lit a fire under me. This has encouraged me to make sure my steps are ordered by the Lord in every area of my life so I can lead by example. What an awesome responsibility we have as parents and as Christians.

LOVE IS YES. LOVE IS NO.

   As my hubs and I were talking about our differences in child rearing, I made the statement,”Love is yes. Love is no. Love is hugs and kisses and presents. Love is discipline and creating rules.” How many times have we wanted to be the “good guy” and make our kids lives like a giant vacation? How many times would we like to tell them yes to anything that they wanted it just because we love them so much? Then again, how many times have we told them no for that very same reason?
  When my children were smaller, I took their bed frames out to their rooms and out the mattresses on the floor. You can't imagine the looks of “bless your heart” I received for that and “are you kidding me?” The reason was, I allowed my kids to jump on their beds until they were so big they got hurt flipping off the mattresses. When their friends came over, they jumped on the beds too. It was so great! That was my “yes”. Why they got to the point that injury was prevalent, I got “official beds” and told them they were no longer able to jump on the beds. If they did, they would be punished. Not only would they get hurt but they would break the bed. We must always take care of what God has given us. That, was my “no”. Did I love them any less because they now couldn't jump on their beds? Absolutely not. The reason they were told “no” was because they would be hurt if we continued to do what we were doing.
  Think about this. What happens if you illuminate every opportunity to tell your kid no? What will happen? If your first thoughts may be, no more fights, I won't feel like the “bad guy”, they will be happier, I have another thought for you. What does it teach them? If they are never told “no” and they group up to be adults, in a real world, what do you think they will do when they are told “no” by a friend, boy/girlfriend or boss? If they have never been told no, they will not know how to deal with the emotions that are going to hit them, no matter their age, when that word hits their ears. How fair is that? Are you really doing them any favors? Have you ever went to work or school with someone that has never been told “no”? I have. They had be told “yes” by everyone or they would pay dearly.
  I have recently been able to get aquatinted with a very unhappy child. This child used to scream and beat her head against the wall when she didn't get her way. She would hide and pout for hours and scream and shove if she didn't get attention. She is such an unhappy little person with so much built up anger inside. Her mother tried to not tell her “no” and everyone around her as well. Then, in walks me. I have observed her for months. Do you know when she is most happy? She is most happy in doing something for me or serving others. She doesn't realize that but it is true. It's amazing.

  Let's take this one more direction and see if it makes sense. After my divorce,  I had prayed that I would meet a guy I had already knew along the way or someone I trusted knew so I wouldn't get into a mess on down the line. I started talking to a guy I knew in grade school. We had a similar background, went to the same school, our parents used to be close and we hit it off just like the “good old days”. He told me he was divorced. He kept asking me to meet him for supper. So, I had asked him if we could go to church together first. That always illuminates who it needs to. He said, “Well, my ex would flip.” To which I respond, “Um, why would that matter, you are divorced?” He smoothly replies, “We just have this agreement because church is more personal than a meal.” Yes. I was shaking my head and realizing something wasn't right. “You told me you are divorced, I'm still not following.” Well, TECHNICALLY we aren't divorced yet. We are actually living in the same house because she won't leave. WHAT?!?!? You have got to be kidding me! He wasn't. Needless to say, I no longer spoke to him and was fed up with the whole dating scene. I was over it! I told the lord to take away my desire to be with someone that loves me and would help me raise my kids. My mom decided that she would pay for a months subscription to “Christian Mingle” and within the month I met my husband.
  I had prayed, fervently but God said “wait”. Sometimes, he out and out said “no”. That can still be aggravating as an adult. Did that mean that God didn't love me? Did that prove that He tried to “take back” dying in the cross for me? Did that show that I really am not important enough to be given a “yes”? No to all the above. God loves us to tell us “yes” and He loves us enough to tell us “no”. His love doesn't change just because our likes and circumstances do. His love is always the same. No matter what the question, even life or death, His love doesn't change according to what He answers.
  I believe if I pattern my life after Christ then I will be the parent I need to be. Why is ok for the One that created us and literally gave His life for us to say “no” and still be a good God but we are  horrible parents if we say “no” to our own children? You don't have to agree with me but I do believe we are selfish parents if we spoil our children and never tell them “no”. We want the “parent of the year award”, we want to be our children's friend. That isn't our job yet. Our job is to parent. Another word for parent is rear, raise or nurture. Nurture means to care for and encouraging the growth and development of someone or something. Do we fit that description? Are we equipping our kids with the knowledge and discipline they need to be contributing adults? We are teaching them how to handle being told "no". How to have a good spirit even when they don't get their way. What if God didn't give them their way when they prayed. Maybe it wasn't even a selfish prayer, but the answer was still "no". Knowing how to handle an answer they don't want will possibly save them from being so bitter at God they reject everything they have learned. I love my children enough to tell them "yes" and I love my children enough to tell them "no". Do you?

BATH TIME

  As some of you know, I was never the little girl that dreamed about having kids. I wanted to be a cowgirl, Calamity Jane or Anne Oakley. I wanted to raise horses and monkeys rather than children. I was the son my dad never had. I was tougher than most of the boys growing up and my dad was afraid that I would be a woman's lib leader. I overheard him telling my mom that if she didn't get me "in the kitchen", no man would want someone that was better than him in everything.

  When I got married as a 19 year old girl, for the first time, I had a desire to be a mom. However, I wanted to have 4 boys that would all be red headed. Yes. I had great plans...

  In reality, I have 10, 9, 8, 5 and 3 year old children. 2 of which were born to me and 3 that God gave me through marriage. We have a very busy and a very full house at times. We do not have a huge house but it is enough for us. Saturday night and Sunday's are always a circus at the house. Saturday night is in preparation for church on Sunday. Almost every Saturday night our night sounds a little bit like this...

  "Everyone get your pjs and panties and underwear, it's time for baths" (Since we have 5 kids, they all have a number and a color so we can keep up with who's is who's, and where it goes) #4 says, "Do I HAVE to take a baaaath? I didn't even sweat today and I took a bath yesterday." To which I respond (every time), "Yes, you must have a bath. You need a bath every day, even if you don't sweat if it's just to wash germs off your body. Besides, you sweat very easily so I believe it's safe to say, you definitely require a bath tonight." The last statement was a huge mistake. "Feel my hair. It's not even wet. I really don't need a bath. I promise." In my head I'm thinking... Did I ASK your opinion? No. I said take a bath but out of my mouth I say, "#4, you have to take a bath. You may take it with a smile or with a frown but you will be getting into the tub first so you can get it out of the way."
  No sooner than this conversation ends, #5 comes to inform me she will NOT be taking a bath. Her favorite sentence is "I don't want to." "What did I say? I don't care if you want to. You go get into the tub." "I DONT WANT TO!", she wails. My husband will try to convince them to take a bath. I, on the other hand, will tell them to do it immediately or be punished and then they will still have to do it. I can hear him in there trying to soothe her and talk her into the tub. Either she got into the tub of her own will or was lifted over the edge due to her inability to bend her knees at this present moment. She's now crying and standing in the tub determined she will NOT be bathed. I round the corner and see her standing there with tears streaming down her face. I give her a look that says I mean business and tell my husband that I will take care of it. He leaves and I pick up the rag, ignoring her insistence and tell her she only has the option to sit down and take a bath. #4 and 5 are still young enough that they still take their baths together. It's helpful for me as well. Most of the time, I will talk to them, ask them about their week or tell them stories. Depending on the time, I may get right down to scrubbing. In this instance, I am wetting hair and scrubbing "clean" bodies as fast as I can. As I am bathing #4 and 5, #2 ALWAYS comes and finds me with a look that her dog just died, and says the same thing. "I can't find my pjs." "Did you look in your drawers?", I reply while counting to a hundred in my head. "Yes. I looked in my top drawer." I let the air out slowly and ask, "Did you try looking in ALL your drawers?" She smiles at me and turns around to find the mysterious pjs that continually crawl out of her drawers every weekend and hide just long enough for her to tell me she cannot find them. As I'm finishing up #4 and 5, #2 again makes her appearance. There are no pjs in her hands OR panties... "I cannot find anything in my drawers." I have now moved up to counting to a thousand. I'm telling myself in between numbers to not lose my cool. I walk her through the correct way to search her magic drawers that eat her clothes every weekend. We go into the bedroom and there are random clothes and things in these magic drawers. Apparently, the toys and clothes are fighting when we leave the room and they have had some of each cross enemy lines and have been captured because some are in the closet and some in the drawers. The very FIRST place I look, I find pjs (several) and enough panties to clothe the Cabarrus county Jr cheer squads. Before I could cross the threshold of her room to go back towards the bathroom, #1 comes up to me. "We are taking baths???? Do I have to take a bath?" He says "I" like he is a king on the throne and he couldn't possibly come to the commoners domain to wash his royal self. "Yes sir you do. You also get to wash your face, put on moisturizer and brush your teeth. Isn't that awesome?" He looks at me with a smirk on his face and turns back towards his room in defeat. #3 has yet to make an appearance because it is in her tactical plan for me to be so busy that I do not realize she has not yet bathed. She's the only one of the 5 that doesn't mind a bath, most of the time. However, #3 is the mom of the group. She wants to instruct everyone else about how to bathe and when it's their turn. I  can hear her in the little ones room saying, "Where's your brush? Your hair looks like rats have lived there. You didn't clean your room either. You better do that before mom comes in here." She is our little mother. Bossy but a little mother.
"#2! Go hop in the shower." What seems like a week later, I hear the water still running and I go into the bathroom to see if she has fallen and knocked the sense out of her head as for the explanation of why she would still have the water running for that length of time. "Whatcha doing?" She responds, "I'm brushing my hair while there is conditioner on it and I cannot get all the tangles out." Have you washed your body? "Not yet." I have now counted to 300,479. "#2, if it is going to take you that long to comb through your hair, please do everything else first, shut off the water, comb through your hair and THEN turn the water back on and rinse. #1 or 3 hasn't gotten to take a bath/shower yet.
   I then start trolling the hallway handing out vitamins and instructions to finish up our evening. I think to myself, who's in the shower now. I walk into the bathroom and find #2 STILL in the bathroom soaking wet. What in blue blazes could she be doing? "Um.... #2, why are you still in the bathroom? We have 5 kids to get in and out and you are still in. It took me less time to bathe your sisters than it is taking you." I hear a scramble around the corner of the bathroom, "oh I'm done." I realize I'm holding my breath and I let it out. "Good! So, you took a shower, washed your face and brushed your teeth?" "I didn't wash my face or brush my teeth." Heavenly Father up above, PLEASE help these children to live to see their next birthday. At this point my speech is slow and deliberate. "Why did you not wash your face and brush your teeth?" "You didn't tell me to." 536,284... 536,285... "Every time you take a bath or shower here, do you wash your face and brush your teeth as well?" She's smiling at this point and I am not. "Yes." "So, why would I have to tell you in order for you to do it? You know it must be done." She then goes into the bathroom to finish up. #1 and 3 believe they have gotten through the day with no bath. They have BOTH jumped into bed of their own volition and are saying their prayers like spiritual warriors. If I listened closely, they are probably beseeching Jesus to intercede for them with me and make me tell them no baths for the day.
   At this point of the night, #2, 4 and 5 must call their mother. I never know when this may be going down but I hear ruckus and I have already told #4 and 5 to get into bed and wait for us to tuck them in. Get them all into bed is like herding chickens. By the time you have gotten one in the pin, the other 4 have gotten loose. I'm barking orders while they are talking to their mom! I know I sounded like a drill sergeant and she probably thinks I'm killing her kids. While I'm kicking myself for not checking what was really going on before I barge into the room and assuming they are disobeying, I'm now locating my little prayer warriors. "#3, go hop into the shower. Take a quick shower but do it correctly." #3 gets into the shower but must sing what she's doing, I mean everything. #2, 4, and 5 are done talking to their mom and I am trying to tidy up from the hurricane Hancock that blows in every day. They have been told they can read a book until their dad and I come in the finish tucking them in but they must not leave their beds. I hear footsteps down the hallway. They aren't man footsteps they are the steps of a disobedient child that will get no birthday presents next year. "What are we going to do tomorrow?"
    A little bit about me, there's only so long I can refrain from being sarcastic and then My head explodes. I can only count but SO high! This child has escaped a huge 6' tall man, 4 other children who are warning her as she is passing their bedrooms and she lands in the kitchen like she hasn't a care in the world. I pause in disbelief at the sight before my eyes. I'm sure my eyes have flames bursting out of them and when I talk little bursts of smoke come out through my teeth I am trying to un-clench. "Do you have an emergency? Is some thing deathly wrong with you? Did I speak English when I gave you instructions to look at a book until I came back to your room to tuck you in?" The disobedient offender has taken off down the hall with a gallop like I'm after her with a paddle before I can finish my rhetorical questions.
  #3 has finished her shower and is singing her way into her bedroom. #1 is faking sleep after his ultra spiritual prayer life had to come to a halt. "#1, go get in the shower really quickly. It's past bedtime and church is tomorrow." THIRTY seconds later he is emerging from the bathroom claiming he is clean. Smell me. I'm clean. I am just really fast." Even if he just jumped in and counted to 5, I just want them all in bed. I walk into the bathroom and look around. Apparently, a tiny drone with miniature bombs big enough to destroy a very small space without disrupting anyone in the next room. There is toothpaste on the sink, UNDER the mirror, on every conceivable item on the surface of the sink, on the floor and even on the shower curtain. There is a mound of towels that looked like they are trying to hide a body with in the middle of the room along with 5 sets of clothes. Apparently, there was temporary paralysis to everyone that entered the bathroom and until they left, they wouldn't regain use of their extremities. There is rags and lufa's piled in the tub or dripping off the side of the tub. My foot squishes as I step to a "safe zone", otherwise called the rug. The toilet seat is up and must have been on fire. Why else would it be wet on every square inch?  There is toilet paper in little bitty pieces on the floor that is now soaking wet. Half a roll is in the trash can and the piece that was hanging down has now been taken captive by the dog and there is a trail, she doesn't realize I can follow, and she is playing in the middle of it. "What in the world?" I say in utter disbelief and just loud enough for the refugees to hear. The movement and whispering I heard before that moment stopped immediately. "Oh!" #1 says like the light bulb just went off. "Hey mom, Um, I forgot my,,, uh." He looks into the bathroom and what he missed earlier. I'm just assuming he was struck with blindness and temporary paralysis moments before and the veil has been miraculous lifted from his eyes. He sheepishly and quickly grabs his things and I summon the remainder of the refugees to do clean up on this battle zone.
  Finally, everyone is in their beds. Prayers, snuggles and bear hugs have been given, in some cases multiple times. We sit on the couch and hear that dreaded sound that every parent knows so well, footsteps down the hallway, AGAIN, but that story is for another time!!

WHAT DID I ASK YOU TO DO?

 This weekend we celebrated my son's 10th birthday! I cannot believe I have a kid in double digits! I picked up one of his friends that he had at his school in Durham, we had the girls and my mom and her husband as well. We had a total of 6 kids, 4 adults and our near perfect "baby", Bitsy. The house was full. There were people everywhere. My mom and her husband slept at our house instead taking the of a comfort a kid free room and a bed that felt like a cloud that his parents offered and piled in with us. Bless them! My daughter even talked my mom into letting her share her twin bed while her husband slept on the pop up trundle beside them.
  The next morning we decided we would make the kids pancakes and let them eat so we could have some adult conversation and could eat in peace. The children ate 2-4 pancakes a piece and were released to go outside while we got our meal finished and table set. My mom and I play music while we cook. She had been wanting me to hear a song that she said reminded her of my grandpa that passed away before she was remarried. She started the song and the first couple notes were played and a child emerges in front of me with the most pertinent of questions. Can I play with the puppy??
"What did I ask you to do while the adults ate?" To play outside. "Please do not come back in. We will all play after we eat but let us talk for a little bit and eat our breakfast."
The song is still playing in the background of the door opening and shutting and in that small window of opportunity another child comes into the house. Can we ride four wheelers? "What did I ask you to do while the adults were eating?" To play outside. "Please do not come back in. We will all play after we eat but let us talk for a little bit and eat our breakfast." So... We can't ride four wheelers? At that point "the look" was administered.
Mom started laughing and said, "I don't know why I thought you could listen to an entire song." Welcome to my world! We started the song again and almost made it through the entire thing. We put the finishing touches to our breakfast and called the men inside. We said the prayer and began to eat. The door burst open and I heard "Chloe is hurt and she needs you right now!!" What happened? "I think she got hit in the head by the soccer ball!" Is her head still attached? Is she bleeding? Is she walking and talking, then she can come inside and let me look at her. The door slams and we try to continue our conversation. During this time, I notice our puppy running back and forth from one of the girls rooms to my room. I put a little bell on her because she is so small, we can find her and won't step on her. That bell is jingling as hard as it can. I'm telling stories about the kids and about every 2 minutes she's running like the devil is chasing her. Her back is hunched over and her tail is tucked beneath her body and her ears are flopping. The door flies open and Chloe come stomping in and down the hallway. She isn't happy I didn't run to her aid. SLAM! The door shut once again. Jingle, jingle, jingle the dogs collar goes as she is flying across the hallway once again. Apparently she has gotten into one of the rooms that she isn't supposed to be and is running around in victory of stealing a toy. I start back into my story, yet again and the door chimes again, "front door". "They won't let me have the bike! Daddy said he would teach me how to ride without training wheels!" Excuse me. "What did I ask you to do while the adults were eating? Please do not come back in. We will all play after we eat but let us talk for a little bit and eat our breakfast. We will fix it all then." The dog runs across, once again.  I believe we were able to get through several bites and the littlest one comes in with pure panic on her face. Patenna (McKenna) fell down and is bweeding! "Oh Lord! Can she walk? Ask her to come inside." She tan't walk, she's BWEEDING! As if on queue, the puppy runs across and back again as if in emphasis of he impending doom that awaited us.
Robby jumps up and comes to her aid. She had fallen while using her roller blades and skinned her "bad eh-bow" (she broke her elbow a few months back, yes you can do that). She had a spot of blood on her elbow and she was walking but acted as though she needed a wheelchair. I took a deep breath and looked at mom and David. We all just started laughing. What a nice relaxing breakfast we were having. I started winking and twitching like I was starting to get a tick. No sooner than my sarcasm overtakes me, one more child comes through and asks about something that was not an emergency. I didn't even respond. We just all started moving in different directions showing our defeat  trying to get some peace and the guys went outside to play with the kids while we cleaned up from breakfast as the dog runs back across the hallway.

  I did find out why she was acting so crazy. She had gotten into the girls room and stole a stuffed baby puppy. She thought she had done something big! Mom and I cleaned up and watched the kids play and learn how to ride their bike without training wheels. The boys threw the football and the girls painted on the hammock. It looked so peaceful to watch them play outside. Looks can be deceiving. The morning was pure chaos. When they are gone, we miss it.
  I have never in my life been on such an emotional roller coaster. Either they are in tears or I am most weekends. I feel like we should have this figured out by now but as my own sweet guardian angel and mom of 4 told me, we just started. I can't expect to have figured anything out yet and that is ok. There's so many things no one could ever understand that is going on behind the scenes. The accusations and tears, the emotional children being told to keep secrets and using the children's fears to get what they want. Dealing with emotional abuse and fearing what's going on that we don't know about. Knowing that the only power we have is prayer and not liking the feeling of having no control. Prayer can change things but it's hard to let that be your secret weapon. From the outside it looks like you are "taking" what's being dished out. It's humbling.
  You may not can get through 5 minutes without some sort of "emergency " or one week without  a lawyer calling or a threat from your ex but it's ok. Sometimes the hardest, most challenging and craziest things are what helps us be who we need to be. Sometimes it's the unexpected emotions that make us realize it's ok to not be ok. It's ok to feel overwhelmed. It doesn't reflect badly on your mothering skills to have a revolving door, it means your children are human and so are you. It's ok to want to hide in the closet and put a sign on the door that reads "Out of the office". Hang up your superwoman cape. She is only real in comics and movies. Just breathe. Plaster a smile on your face, force yourself not to scream at your children and remember that in moments they will not be right down the hall and forgetting to shut their doors. The dog won't be stealing their toys, she'll be whining by their doors because they don't live their anymore. Enjoy the chaos and smile through the tears. Besides, it all makes for a great story!

PARENTING THROUGH DIVORCE

  One of the hardest things I've ever done is parent my kids through my divorce. It has been harder than walking away from a detrimental relationship, a church I loved and even telling my family what the truth was in my marriage. It was harder than receiving a 5 page hand written letter blaming me for everything that had ever gone wrong in my marriage and his family's life. It was harder than having people I thought loved me, turn their back on me or "break fellowship" with me so their name wouldn't be lumped in with mine. It was harder than showing up to church acting as if nothing was wrong. It was harder than helping other people manage their heartbreak when I could hardly breathe through mine. Some people may not understand how parenting through divorce could be so difficult but the ones that have been there or are there, get it completely!

  From day one, I told my kids that just because our family has changed doesn't mean our rules will. There may be times that they won't even like me but they can always rest assured they will know what to expect. I have stayed true to my word. Sometimes it makes me cry, mad or just feel heavy hearted. I've told them before that it was unfair to me to make me be the "bad guy" the rules and standards I have set for our family is not bad or unreasonable. Each have been set for a particular purpose. Sometimes I will explain why I have set certain rules, guidelines or standards. Other times, I will just enforce them and expect change.

  This plan seemed quite simple in the beginning. Now, well, now is a different matter. My kids are now part of a blended family. They are getting older and see the differences between all the parents in the equation. Sometimes I come out on top but other times, I feel like I ride a broom. I ask myself, is this a battle I am willing to fight to the "death"? Am I willing to fight this until they leave the house? Am I willing to look at a teenager eye to eye and not back down in regards to this matter? Once I set the rule, I cannot change it. You cannot change your beliefs in the middle of turmoil. Pastors and parents that do that breed insecure and confused followers that change with the wind. If I am wrong, i will be wrong with gusto. Sometimes my kids will show me that I may have erred on the side of caution but I'd rather be cautious that try to raise them as their friend.

  You wouldn't believe how emotionally hard it is to tell you daughter or son: I'm glad you miss your daddy. That means that he is being a good daddy by giving you something to miss. When I have the knowledge that he can't afford to help with school supplies or even pay his half of the kids schooling but can afford to add on to his house or buy an Xbox for a 10 year olds birthday. The struggle becomes real. The burden becomes heavy and encouraging to love their dad, hurts. The thing is, encouraging them to love their dad, supporting him when he isn't around is not done for me or because he does what he's supposed to do so he gets rewarded. It is done because it is the right thing to do. Not only that, but it give my children security. It isn't about me. It's about them.

  I have seen so many times than when a spouse leaves, the parents put the kids in the place that the spouse was. That isn't right nor is it healthy. It doesn't give them a grasp of reality and all their relationships from then on out will be distorted. I have also seen the parents that try to be best friends with their kids or play the "coolest" parent game. By all of those scenarios, it makes it about the parent. It puts you on an ego trip or sets you up to be validated by your children. Again, creating a unhealthy environment for your children.

 When you go through a loss, a divorce, a tragedy in your life, you gather what you have left and protect and love it with everything in in you. You don't always have the sanity to make decisions that's best for everyone as your circumstances change and as you regain your footing. In my case, I knew what was coming. I had a few minutes warning before my world changed. I decided before I even talked to the kids what I was going to say and what my rules would be. I had lost so much. Death of my dreams, my future, my ego and my security were gone within moments. Accusations were flying and gossip was swirling like a venomous cloud that encased me. I could NOT lose my kids too. At times, I will worry that my kids will grow to dread living with me. They will hate me because they tow the line at mom’s house and they can do whatever they desire without any fallout everywhere else. Who would choose rules over getting what you want? I struggle with those thoughts more times than I would like to admit. It frustrates me to no end that I feel like I'm the only one that parents. Is that true or what I see? I will probably never know.

 The truth is, it is my responsibility to raise them according to how I believe the Lord would want them to be raised. I must answer for what they were taught. They don't have to like it. They don't have to even understand it and a lot of times they won't. It doesn't change the fact that it is what's best for them. What will I do with what I've been given? My kids are pretty amazing. They may come to me years down the road and tell me how they have really blown it. Just because you equip them, doesn't mean they will use their arsenal wisely. I pray I will give them the grace God has shown me and just like we have tried through the divorce, make it something to show Gods goodness, love and the beauty in it. Parenting your kids through divorce will be the one of the hardest things you've ever done. You must put them ahead of yourself and forget about an ego trip. You must help them be a better person through a struggle and loss they should have never had to experience. You must show them they have the opportunity to be better or worse for it and it is COMPLETELY up to THEM. I pray that we can produce some loving and compassionate children through all of this and take something that was broken, like our family, and make it into something beautiful once again.

LEAVE ME ALONE

 Most Sunday mornings I try to play music that will help get my spirit right and prepare my heart for church. This past Sunday I had taken a shower and had pressed play on one of my favorite Mandisa songs, "That's what scars are for" and I had a little one knocking on the door telling me she put the dog up so we could get dressed and not worry about accidents. By the time I deciphered what she was saying I missed the song. I pressed replay and started to dry my hair just to hear the puppy whining at my door. I could have swore that the little one just told me the puppy was on her crate! How in the world will we ever crate train this dog if they don't quit popping her in and out of her crate without taking her out?! I chased down the culprit and reprimanded her for letting the dog out again. (The same situation happened the day before, several times. They ask their dad when they know I will say no and he hasn't learned their game yet) I was beyond frustrated at this point. All I want to do it get dressed for church. For church, people! I start drying my hair since I have officially missed the entire sone THREE times at this point. I hear the girls beating the other bathroom door trying to talk to their dad while he's in the shower. Seriously? Is the sky falling? Am I not speaking clearly? LET US GET DRESSED FOR CHURCH! I find out what the problem is and herd them back to their rooms to tidy up and finish getting their clothes and shoes on, which I put together on the floor, even with the the shoes laid out so they will end up on the right feet and the bow pinned on each dress. They can't find their shoes. Really? You can't find your shoes but your found your dress right beside the shoes?

 Again, I go back to the bathroom. My hair has started to dry all crazy with product in it and it wildly bouncing around on top of my head while I'm barking orders and trying not to lose my temper. I dry my hair and hear my husband come out of the bathroom and is telling the girls something opposite of what I just said, oh my word! Breathe! Just breathe!

  I take a deep breath and press play for the fourth time. The first verse goes by as I'm applying my makeup. I start singing with the chorus. I jumped back in time and was at my little house in Durham singing the same song. I was getting ready to go to church and feeling quite defeated. I heard my roommate in the other room and felt wistful that I was hearing my future husband instead. I heard the kids getting ready and talking to each other like they were sharing a secret of great importance. I wondered if my ex would fight me on going through the child support enforcement since he was holding some of the child support as ransom. The burden of the kids innocence was feeling heavier by the day. I was singing the song and remembering the various scars I had on my body and on my heart. I felt so lonely and somewhat alone to carry the burdens that I had. What I wouldn't give for some happy chaos.

  Ashamed of my earlier reaction to such trivial things washed all over me. I was singing this song and hearing my happy chaos and instead of being thankful for where I am at, I was trying not to lose my temper. I wasn't being grateful for my scars mending and my new life and the challenges it has presented. I have felt quite overwhelmed. I haven't even written much in my blog at all. I didn't want to reveal too much of my heart for fear someone would take it wrong.

  For all the step-parenting books out there, I haven't found one that walks me through my day. I haven't found one that helps me cope with the hatred I feel at times for our exes. I can't tell you how many times I've prayed for forgiveness for my thoughts and emotions regarding our exes and at times my stepchildren. They are a reflection of their parents. Sometimes, a child can look exactly like their parent. Therefore, we live with his ex (and mine). One looks just like her and one acts just like her. She is everywhere. She texts and calls him more than I do and I fight with my feelings towards her. I fight with my feelings towards my ex as well. We are currently going through our lawyers to have a written custody order. My stomach is in knots just thinking about it. We have some very emotional girls that I don't relate to in regards to those emotions. We have to maintain a balance of structure and standards without making them feel as if the other parent is wrong or being downed by our actions. Yet, while the kids are not with us, everything we have built with them and have established feels like it's being undone. Overwhelmed doesn't even cover it. On top of it all, one of my best girlfriends is MIA and I miss her like a would miss a sister. I pray for her often and pray if I did something thoughtless, I could figure out what it was and make it right.  I don't want anyone to think I am airing my dirty laundry or complaining about my adventure I am currently on. It's just the beginning of... a little bit of everything and it takes time to get your mind and heart in gear.
  We are Christians. We don't turn the other cheek for something we believe is worth the fight. In the case of our exes, we have to let some things go. It doesn't seem fair or just, but it is right. I am not a door mat but having my way doesn't mean that I will get the gratification I think will come. Sometimes when you get your way, you lose. I want to show that I am not who I was. I am not who the gossips say I am, as does my husband. We have risen above so much and refuse to let anyone or any circumstance drag us down now. We want to show Whose we are by our lives, reactions and direction. Do you know how hard that is when you are dealing with people that hate you, even if it is unjust? Those same people know your "buttons". They have power and pull with the little people you love most in the world. They know that you will not jeopardize those babies security for anything in the world and use that against you, sometimes every chance they get. Tell me how cool you would be...
  Instead of losing my temper to the emotions I was fighting, the fear of what is inevitably looming with my ex, the whining dog, the children knocking on the door and my husband giving opposite marching orders while I was trying to get my spirit right, I felt in my heart, LEAVE ME ALONE! Don't try to take away my happiness! Don't try to make me feel so overwhelmed that I can't enjoy the every day things. Don't try to make me feel alone again. Don't make me feel... Any kind of way. You aren't welcome here! That spirit left me. That negative, "bitey", overwhelmed and emotional spirit was replaced by peace and some common sense. I saw the situation for what it was and left the chaos I had felt behind as I left my bathroom and finished locating the items that were previously laid out the day before that were now crammed in the toy box and in the wrong drawer. I slid on my prettiest,  sparkly, 4" heels, draped my pearls across my neck and set out for church with a renewed purpose in my heart.

JUST A MOM

  The other day, I was sitting in a meeting full of women and someone had made the statement of "just being a mommy". The lady that spoke worked outside the home and was speaking about how our minds can be used against us. When she said that phrase, a lady sitting in front of me looked down for a minute. It was a big tell. I asked later if she was a stay at home mom, she was.
  My heart just felt so heavy for her. I wanted to take her to the side and give her a pep talk. I cannot stand for someone to imply that being "just a mom" or being a stay at home mom isn't a big job. YES IT IS. I have had to work 13 hours a day and be a single parent and I've worked 24 hours a day being a stay at home mom. What isn't said is when you do stay in the home and work, you feel complete guilt when you don't do what is "expected" or don't work yourself into falling asleep on the couch every night. If you work outside the home and don't get your checklist completed, you tell yourself about the 40 hours you did get done at work that week.
  I wanted to tell her how her "invisible hands" that folded hundreds of items from the dryer, the dishes she washed, rinsed and repeated, the meals she prepared, the tears she dried, the floors she swept, vacuumed, mopped, the beds she made, the lessons taught, the heads and bodies she washed, the diapers she changed, the walls she decorated, the bathrooms she cleaned and the home she organized wasn't invisible to me. Sometimes it feels like no matter how much you clean, it doesn't matter. It feels like the work you do isn't important but it is. You get to see your children every day. You get to be the one to tuck them into bed at night. You get to be the one that teaches your kids how to make their beds, clean their rooms and brush their teeth. Sometimes, it is very thankless and to be completely honest, it gets old. There are those times when that baby looks at you like you are their world. Those times when your kids hug your neck with all their might and you know you are "it" for them. Those times your son looks at you and says, " Mom, you really ARE the best." It's those times that the mundane becomes a hurdle to jump to get those smiles, hugs and bits of encouragement. It's in those times that mountain of laundry you have to wash AGAIN isn't as bad as it seems.
I go through the same guilt now that I'm married again, stay home with my kids, help with the business and am going to be homeschooling. I've been sick for over 2 months and it makes the guilt worse. If I go through a day that I don't feel as if I have "earned my keep", I'm like a dog with a bone. I just happen to be married to a man that only cares if the bed is made and everything else is a bonus. It still doesn't matter. I seldom give myself a break.
  As a mom, you don't get holidays, weekends or even nights off. You are on call 24/7 and you don't get a physical check or benefits for the work you do. You are seldom thanked for wiping a 3 year olds bottom for the umpteenth time in a day. No one puts a gold star on YOUR chart because you go to the bathroom to make sure it's tidy for the 2, 768th time that day and again it looks like a puppy has gotten into the toilet paper and the trash can has been overturned. The 5 towels that were neatly hanging on their hooks have new been blown off their hooks and the door that is the gateway to a magical wonderland of bows, hair things is and all the extras for the bathroom is standing open and random things are disheveled, opened or spilled. Their is toothpaste on the sink, under the medicine cabinet, caked in the shower curtain and under the drawer pull and now on my hand. Their is a even tile now missing in the bathroom. I find myself wondering if they have magic powers that they may turn into little tornadoes when they come into the bathroom. I will never wear socks again into the bathroom that our children use. Ever. The rug is squishy wet and they haven't even taken baths yet. What in the world?!? No one knows how many times you truly clean up after your children and utter the same instructions daily. But, hat box in the living room that I keep forgetting to take to Goodwill, laughs at my inadequacy every time I pass it. As I'm sitting on the couch right now there are 3 bins staring at me begging me to be taken to their owners from my WEDDING. The wedding that happen several weeks ago.
  Give yourself a break! It is ok to be human. It is ok to feel like you don't want to do anything but eat and sleep all day. Your body is talking to you, listen. If all you do is play with your kids all day, every once in a while, you aren't a failure. It's called being a mom... That is human.... That accepts that humanity with pride.
   I am a mom. Whether I stay at home with my kids or work 40 hours a week, being a mom is job enough. I may not get thanks for the little things but it is my name they call when they need
something or want to talk. It is me that they will wish they could curl up in my lap one more time when life gets too much. We never know what we will say to them, how we love them or what they learn from us will impact them as adults. Being a mom is an honor. Being a mom is a reward. Being a mom is hard. Being a mom sucks when you have to be THAT mom but you do it because that's who you are and one day our kids will thank us for what we were to them.
  No one may know everything we have  done in our lifetimes but that's not why we do it. We do it because we love them. We do it because no matter how much poop that baby produces, it can never top the amount of love you feel for them. We do it because no matter how many Legos have broken the skin to the soft part of our feet, nothing can replace that little man wrapping his arms around you in front of his friends.  We do it because we needed someone to love and God gave us our kids. We do it because we are moms.

THE CHILD WHISPERER

 Last year, I met my husbands kids for the first time. They were and are full of energy and from a very different household than my children. There were some areas that I spotted right away that I could help them grow in. In my mind, I was "the child whisperer". I knew his girls didn't like vegetables or anything that resembled something good for you but with "the child whisperer" on your side, they didn't stand a chance. The first time I made supper for everyone, I had meticulously planned out the meal and timed it just right so we were sitting down to eat as Robby came home. How proud he would be of me as his girls devoured their food, including the vegetables. What do you think is the first thing they said even before I brought the food to the table? I don't like that. I don't want to eat... As I stood there with food in hand, I couldn't believe what I was hearing. "But I'm the child whisperer!" My mind pleaded. I still put each thing on everyone's plate because we have to eat what is served. If it is something you do not like, you still must put a little on your plate and eat a couple bites. One of his girls decided she was NOT having it and for the next hour we had tears, hollering and finally hitting the table. I sat there with my eyes about to come out of my head as I tried to eat my food and ignore the scene. My children were staring at me and probably wondering if I was going to punish her or something else. If I was talking to anyone else, I would have explicit instructions to give them about enforcing discipline and making sure that the child wasn't rewarded for her behavior and how to prevent future outbursts. Here's the deal, I'm not her mom.
   Never met a child that didn't like you or listen to you? Become a stepparent. You will be welcoming a huge dose of reality! As a stepparent, you aren't the parent. Although in your title is the word parent, it means more of a supervisor. You do not have that bond that a parent has with their child. You do not know their history. You weren't there when they were born, took their first step and learned how to talk. You stepped in, without their consent, and started setting rules and guidelines that they've never heard of or had to adhere to. Basically, a stranger to them married their dad and is now "running things" and taking their daddy away from them, in their mind.
   You cannot imagine how many people told me that you could not be happy and have stepchildren. How awful! Wait until your kids are grown! Don't do it. You may love him but you may not love his kids. Can you imagine how overwhelming that was to me and how determined I became to make sure that didn't happen to me?
   So I'm not "the child whisperer" or Nanny 911. I'm a mom. I have a mothers heart and I know children. What complicates it is I am now the devils advocate for my husbands ex, still dealing with my own kids dad and expected to work miracles without the children's consent. It changes your thinking. It's easy to take everything personally.
 
   What I have learned is: I am not a miracle worker and I need to give myself a break. I am human. It is ok not to feel an immediate motherly bond with his kids. Love needs to be nurtured and to grow. There will be times when we ALL need space. It's ok if I feel overwhelmed. It's ok to not feel guilty I'm enjoying the house with no children in it. It's ok if we have a bad day or a bad weekend, it won't last forever. Also, I was in a verbally abusive relationship, divorced and newly married. I still have scars, emotional days and times when I have to be quiet. There are still emotions that come along with marriage and still some that remain from the past. It's ok to feel it all and sometimes all at the same time. I am not superwoman... I'll allow you time to absorb that because I needed time too.........

  Wisdom from a "child whisperer" they are little people that have emotions and struggles just like we do, they just don't understand how to process it and talk through it like we do. Take the time to learn them and see the signs when they are struggling BEFORE the meltdown occurs. Have a time when you spend time with each of them alone. I have lesson times with all the kids but at night, I lay by each one of them and talk to them about the day, plans or tell them a story, if time allows. I have found when I do this as often as I can, our time together goes smoother and they listen quite well. We have even grown to the point that everyone tries what they don't like without a tirade. AMAZING! It's slow and sometimes looks like there won't be an end but then we have a breakthrough and it's better than a trophy.
   Also, there are some things i cannot tell them. I am not their mom. One day they may remind me of that. Some things HAVE to come from their dad or mom. Sometimes all I can do is pray it will. I cannot control how different the rules are when they or my children are away so I cannot put that responsibility on myself either. All I can do is work on my own consistency and pray that they will make a choice one day that will honor what I taught them and honor the Lord.
   Child whisperer, I am not but mother I am. I can love them, in my own way and receive the love they give me in the way that works for them. They may never know everything a stepparent goes through but they will always know our home is a happy and loving place that they are always welcome.

I'M NOT THAT STRONG

 I have been complimented on how strong others perceive me but I am not that strong. I have been told, if I could just have a little bit of your courage but I am not that courageous. I struggle. I feel overwhelmed. I feel weak. I feel angry. I feel small. I feel unimportant. I feel lost. I go through the same emotions that anyone else does. I am driven to follow the principles I have decided I would follow a long time ago. For some unknown reason, I am fighter of injustice and always stick up for the "under dog" even if that person is me. Being a people pleaser is a bit of a curse but if I don't stand up for myself, who will?
  I take life by storm. So many times I have wished I was a quiet, mild personality that always says the right thing... That didn't happen. I am opposite of ALL of those things. Thankfully, I think before I speak more but just because I have learned that doesn't mean I am received any better sometimes. I have a good heart and want the best and think the best of everyone. I have come to accept that I am human as is everyone else and that's ok.
  My fear is, I will be known a the woman who finally stood up for herself after verbal abuse by my spouse and others close to me and left a situation that was quickly going out of control but not be known for the woman that stayed for nearly 10 years and overcame insane odds throughout that time. I don't want to be known as the woman who left but who overcame. Strength is knowing when to walk away but it is also not trying to take the easy way out. Strength is standing by the "for better or worse" even if sometimes it feels like there's more worse than better. We are all stronger than we realize. If your limits haven't been challenged, then you will never know how strong you truly are.
  Years ago, I had NO filter. I mean, none. Some of my friends have told me things I've said years ago and I could just crawl under the bed and stay there, hiding my face forever. I've have worked on that, a lot. One of the hardest things, as an adult, that I have found is not defending yourself or your actions. My kids and I have had this conversation many times. They have been told by a teacher, an adult living with us, a stepparent or parent to do something or been gotten onto for something and when they try to defend themselves it sounds like they are placing blame on someone else, being argumentative or being disrespectful. It's frustrating as a kid but how much more for an adult? Some things you will never be able to control. You cannot explain to every person that has given ear to gossip about you or gotten mad over something trivial your true intentions about the situation. You cannot go through life explaining every little fact or decision. I have found the ones that truly had concern or cared, would ask me directly about a situation. Sometimes, I am not that strong to sit by and "take it" when someone is being vindictive or just plain evil. When threats are flying about my kids from me or to bring up a past mistake, I am not that strong. When my past relationship pops back into my mind and I project that on my present relationship, I am not that strong. When I feel like the good guy never wins, I am not that strong. However, I am resolved. I am resolved that I am not afraid of my kids repeating anything I say in our house to anyone,  that I own every mistake I've ever made, that I am human but I'm the best human I can be, that no matter what my past circumstances, my future will be better, that there's no momma that loves their kids more than I do and that I am an overcomer.
  Someone made the comment to me that they envied my "free time" and where I was in my life now. Believe me, i love where I am now but you wouldn't want to go through what I have gone through to get my "now" because there was a "then". Then for me is back when I couldn't breathe without it hurting, when my body would ache and my joints would have shooting pains all the time, when threats and fear were a daily thing, when I would hate to see the sun rise because I had to face my present and try to show my kids I was ok, when I was completely alone, when no one knew the truth, when I finally was able to say the truth out loud and no one believed me, when I walked into the church alone for the first time and sang the last solo I would sing as a married woman and in the church I had wanted to attend since I was a girl for the last time, when my kids would cry because they didn't understand or get angry because they blamed me and I couldn't tell them the truth. My "then" I wouldn't have wished on anyone in order to get my "now". Was it worth it? A million times YES but I still wouldnt wish that road on anyone. God has given me a man that can see through my struggles, (every great once in a while) tears, laughter and teasing to see my heart. He hugs me, laughs with me and wipes my tears exactly when I need it. But...
  I Corithians 12:9 "...my grace is sufficient for thee: my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly will therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me."
  No, I am not that strong but I don't have to do any of this alone. I still have days I call my mom or best friend crying over a threat or a dead baby bird that was stolen out of its nest. I still have those times I panic and am afraid my life will repeat history. I still have those times I look in the mirror and see what he said I was. I am not alone. I have beat the odds in so many areas. God has been with me and since God cannot lie, He says He will never leave me and my "labor is not in vain". Therefore, I must trust that and allow Him to be my strength.

My Problems Should be OVER!

  As you know, my journey has been quite an interesting one to say the least. A lot of people think once you meet the one you are going to marry will "fix" some things that you haven't had in your other relationship. What you don't expect is the emotions and complications that come with the amazing happiness that you find.

  Once Robby and I met, I didn't expect the resentment, anger, anxiety and insecurity that would follow. Although, it made me more compassionate towards my exes wife. The anxiety of not being exactly what everyone needs all the time, not being the perfect step mom, not meeting everyone's expectations, not listening more and talking less, not being patient, not being...enough. The insecurity of the the feeling I have to compete with his past, my totally hot mom bod getting old, the wonder if me or my children will be a disappointment. The resentment of what "she" took from him and feeling that she took time away from me. The constant fight of my anger and emotions because of her being everywhere. The resentment that it wasn't me that had his first baby. It wasn't me that shared that intimate first time parent moment with your spouse. The anger of feeling like our lives are constantly disrupted by petty, selfish fits of immaturity all the while trying to remain neutral.  No one says, his kids may hate you at some point. No matter what you say, that reassurance has to come from their parents. No one says that you will grieve the kids you don't have together. Just to have all those emotions compounded with guilt because you love the kids you have. No one tells you that you will feel like a failure more times than not at first, especially when you feel like they think your mode of transportation is a broom.

Everything should be perfect and in some aspects they are. The deal is, you are dealing with children, someone that's views are distorted with anger and also "lost time". I've had to constantly remind myself to be thankful for the time that I have now. I'm not going to sugar coat it. It will get worse before it gets better but I believe that you can have a happy home in your blended family. Sometimes, I feel like I am alone in this "fight". He doesn't understand why I'm emotional about things that are said, done or misunderstood. I refuse to change who I am but is that the right thing to do? Or should I be me and just almost "ignore" their ups and downs until they start to warm up to me again? You don't know what line his or your kids are being fed. You don't know what the other very verbal parent is saying that is tearing you down or if the kids are trying to manipulate you for attention. You can't resent them. They are just kids but yet you live with the chaos they leave in their wake, better yet "her" chaos. Sometimes, you feel as if you have to "pay" for her sins. A simple word or phrase said in complete innocence can trigger something from the past you didn't know was there. No one I talked to had said anything like this to me. I was clueless.

  How do you process that without losing your mind, feeling on an island or being perceived as the evil stepmother? I have personally started reading books on marriage, again, and on being a wise stepparent. If our marriage is strong, we will be a united front for when the kids start getting older and everything gets more complicated. I'm looking into getting the kids into some safe, Christian counseling, and making sure I do not taking all this personally. Divorce is SO hard. Can you imagine being a kid in it and not being able to perceive who's looking out for you and who just wants an ego boost? Some parents just want the kids angry at their ex like they are, but don't understand the lifelong damage that can do. You may have satisfaction in their anger but I can assure you, it will be short lived.

  Sometimes the "other children" will resent you because you are what their mom is not and they can't be angry at their mom because, well, she's their mom. When they hurt their dad, all you can do is being loving, kind and show them another way with your actions because at this point, your words mean nothing. Never had a child treat you with blatant disrespect? Become a stepparent. Feel Madea creeping out of you? Walk away. If you know me, you know what a challenge this truly is. Children do not comprehend that you can love and be loyal to both parents. However, some parents make their children choose sides. When they are smaller, that control is powerful. However, as they get older they will hate the parent that required the choice and the time they lost with the one that didn't make them choose.

  Having an ex, stepchildren and dealing with his ex is a constant source of growth for me, I'm growing in leaps and bounds and it is PAINFUL. Just when I think everything is over, I realize I just started a new chapter with all new characters and all new situations and opportunities to overcome and create a better me. There are so many places that I've never been that he has. There are pictures I'm not in. There are children that will never be. There are laughs I missed out on. I've had to stop and look at what I have and what we share, not what I don't have or share. There's a very good chance, I wouldn't have even liked Robby 10 years ago but I love who has become. I hate there are things I don't share with him but I would rather be with him now than not have him at all. What we went through in our lives made us who we are. The emotions are strong, real and sometimes come to me, back to back. I love the challenge and I will meet it head on. I can see how special his girls are. I can see their potential and what I believe they need. I know he is an amazing man.
 
  I can say, have to remind myself to not feel guilty for being human and not doing it all right all the time. I know he fell in love with me knowing that I am not perfect. Patience with myself is what I have to find now. Some "problems" are over. Many things are better than I could have ever hoped for. Ultimately, his kids aren't my kids to raise. They are my kids to support and give their dad another team member. I am more there for guidance than as another "parent". This has been very hard to grasp for me at first because of the lack of things they need that he can't provide. The struggle can be real but dependence on my own knowledge isn't enough. Grace, patience, understanding, prayer and not being too hard on myself is going to have to be daily goals. Sometimes, new problems, aka challenges are in store right when you least expect it but we've got this!! Breathe and know that being human isn't as bad as it seems. I'm good back up. I am a great friend. I love deeply and want the best for everyone. We are going to be family and we will learn what that means from a blended family's perspective together. Problems are also called opportunities and I am sure we will have lots of opportunities to grow and to help others in our journey.

"Remember why you chose to come together in the first place--the love that you have for your partner. Your partner's children are an extension of them and this makes them just as important to your happiness." -Beth Huber

"You have to take things slowly. Just because you love someone doesn't mean that you're going to automatically love their children. All relationships take time to grow and develop. Be willing to give everyone the time and space they need. It will come." _Kelly LeFurgey

ALL I HAVE IS ME

When I first started dating, I knew who I was and all I had to offer. I was a stay at home mom that devoted my life to my kids and their dad. I didn't have rock hard abs, money in the bank, stocks, bonds, an inheritance, a new car or even a house. It was just us. There was one thing I've always had was my word. I'm blatantly honest, sometimes to a fault. I felt as if I wasnt in the "league" like other women because I had none of those things. I had stretch marks, some adorable love handles, csection scar, and I couldn't seem to break free of my voluptuous curves. Most people out there were gym rats. I'm sorry, I'm trying to keep groceries on the table and an ounce of sanity in my head. I don't have time for anything much less the gym where I feel like I am wearing a sign that says, pitifully out of shape. I would never be on the cover of anything. I couldn't even remember the last time I had a real pedicure. I like the out of doors, gardening and anything other than shopping. What woman says that?!?

  I have no security and I'm trying to figure out what I like in general. Let's not mention trying to figure out who is legit and who is just out for a "lonely woman" that would make a great and seemingly an easy target. Doesn't that sound like a promising profile?  Accomplishments include... Getting up in the morning and not strangling the ex. Boom! Send me a smile, message or get in line!

This was a serious problem in my mind. Who would want me?!? Wait, back it up! Who wouldn't want me? Look what I have been through. I'm like a warrior with the diplomacy of Barbara Walters and the compassion of Mother Theresa. I have survived the birth of 2 children, gossip, depression, weight gain, weight loss, separation from all that I knew, the cold shoulder, being practically disowned, knowing no one believed me and only 2 witnesses to some of the "smaller incidents", joblessness, "homelessness", intimidation, moving several times, losing friends and family, raising two kids with little or no help financial or otherwise. Who wouldn't want someone someone like me? I'm an overcomer! Awesome! Amazing!

 That doesn't change the past or cover the scars or cushion the daily pains that come with being an overcomer. That doesn't make it any easier to hold my head up high and waltz out the door to greet my potential date. What do I say? I have no great travels to brag about, no hiking trips planned, no great boardroom stories to tell. I can tell you how my kids changed my world, how they taught me the art of patience, how they mysteriously forget how to clean up after themselves after bath time, how they came into this world and how they take it by storm. That my friends, is great dating conversations made to impress, says no one ever!

  All I have to offer is me. Take me as I am or not at all.  You think you won't find that person who likes your quirks and your "mom body". You think that you are the only one that thinks you are funny. You think you won't ever trust someone with your kids. You think that you won't ever laugh til you cry. You think that you will never feel like yourself again. You feel like you will always feel like an outsider. Then, when you give up hoping and praying it will happen and it does. You meet that person that loves you "as is". He laughs with you, cries with you, fights with you and loves on you. He rubs your feet and pours you something to drink. He lets you take a nap and keeps all 5 kids busy. He matches you in wit and stubbornness and its a beautiful thing. You work together, play together, wish together and will stay together. If all you have to offer is you, it is just enough for the right person. Believe me, it can happen. Don't let the people in your past, your own insecurities or the messed up world we live in convince you that you aren't a good "catch". You are fearfully and wonderfully made and you are just enough. 

THATS NOT THE ANSWER I WANTED

When my children were born, their dad and I were 21 and almost 23. We were babies ourselves. I read books as if my life depended on it, theirs did for sure. I had babysat when I was younger but honestly, I didn't really like kids. They were loud, touched everything, you had to tell them everything, they didn't even have common sense yet and a lot of the ones I saw were just brats. Now, I was having my own monsters and I was so unsure what to do. I didn't really even know the science behind how you got pregnant, how and why your body changed and what exactly happened when you gave birth. So, I made a study of it all. I read books by doctors, teachers, mothers and asked advice from EVERYONE. I didn't feel prepared but I did feel better. However, their dad didn't act like it was a big deal at all. I was so amazed by this. My world and thinking had changed right along with my body. When the children were born he was very standoffish. I didn't know what was going on. I remember crying to my mom about it and finally decided, he was gonna get a crash course in parenting. There was a Carolina game on and I handed him our son and told him, he doesn't even know your voice or was able to be without me for a long time. Talk to him. Of course he looked at me like I had lost my mind. I don't know what to say to him, he doesn't talk back... Coach from the couch, explain to him what's going on even if he doesn't have a clue what you are saying. That was the beginning of the end when basketball season was on.
  The point is, I studied for parenthood. I took it very seriously.  Changes that impacted my life were happening within me while his world was sitting still. We were both raised with a different family dynamic. My dad was the head of the home. He was in charge. Mom was a homemaker and she basically raised us to be the women we are. Dad was the "example" that we followed and looked for men to marry like him. His family was a bit different. I felt like their dad wasn't as "hands on" as I would have liked. I started praying that fatherhood would change his life like it changed mine. My prayer was answered after our divorce. The reality of it was when my son and daughter started missing him during the week when they were with me. It hurt me. When they missed him, I took it personally. I was with them since day one. I taught them everything that they knew. I never left them. My choices in life had them at the forefront and they miss him?
  Then, I had a bit of a conversation with myself. I talk to myself quite often. I prayed for this. I begged God that my kids dad would be the type of father that my kids would miss regardless of the circumstances or the "why" behind it. My prayers had been answered just not the way I wanted them to or when I wanted them to be. For the past two years, the kids dad has been a lot more Interactive in their life. I still don't agree with certain things or what is told to the kids but that's to be expected. The point is, things aren't going to go exactly how I want them to go. My desire is for my kids to have a dad that loves them and tries to spend some time with the. It gives them a healthier lifestyle and makes them more emotionally stable.
  The truth is, when you have kids, it isn't about you anymore. Some catch on quicker than others. Just be patient with the ones who are a bit slower where the kids are concerned. As long as your kids environment seems healthy, support the other parent. If there an unhealthy environment or your children are being hurt emotionally or tried to be turned toward you, I would be careful about letting your kids around those people or that type of environment. If it come between your kids and comfort, choose your kids, if it comes between your ego and your kids, choose your kids. The key is to support the other parent as just that, their parent. You don't have to lie to the kids. you don't have to pretend that you are buddies with their other parent. Be honest. Be strong. Be aware of everything going on in their life by keeping the lines of communication OPEN.
  Your prayers may be answered just not when and how you would like. For the kids sake, be happy that those prayers seem to be answered. It's tough to support someone that hurts you and continues to do so. It's tough to try to teach your kids to respect and love new family members that has come into your kids life when you struggle not to throat punch them when you see them. The point is, it is not about us. It is only about the kids. One day, the truth of the situation will be revealed. It will be hard enough when your kids learn the truth of how they came to be a split family. You don't want them to learn too early because you will not come out the winner and you will have years of repair ahead of you where their emotions are concerned. Keep praying that your kids will have discernment. Pray for the other parents to come to the realization is isn't about making you pay or hurting you, it is about the children and what is best for them and BE READY. Your prayers will be answered.

EVERY WISH I MADE...

  Mid August last year, I was beyond frustrated with dating, I started praying that God would take away my desire to share my life with someone. Two weeks after those prayers started, I started communicating with a guy I met on a dating site. We texted here and there and finally, he called me. He hadn't texted much up to that point, so that made things interesting. Our first conversation lasted almost an hour and a half. From that night, we talked almost daily. Almost four weeks later, we decided to meet. He was from the Charlotte are and I from Durham. Our central location was Greensboro or Asheboro. He decided that we would meet that following Sunday night for supper in Greensboro. I'm almost always early which in this case was a gigantic curse.
  As I sat in the parking lot, I was going between excessively happy and ready to panic. What am I thinking?! I'm totally insane! No one says I have to marry this guy. I'm just gonna have fun. What if he's crazy? What if he doesn't look like his picture? What if I fall for him but he isn't legit?! Can I take heartbreak anymore? He calls me. He confesses that he is beyond nervous. He said, "My hands are even sweating." Then, I was laughing. It was so great that this big ol NC boy was nervous about little me. I see his power stroke, Ford 250 sitting at the stoplight. I laughed out loud and clapped my hands like a kid. This is going to be great! I knew I wouldn't walk away from this night the same. I sat there and wanted him to walk into the restaurant first. I wanted to get a good look at him to prepare myself. Yes, I totally want to check him out. He sat in his truck and I could hear his thoughts from where I was sitting. He was thinking, where is she? Do I get out and go in? Should I meet her in the parking lot? I don't want to look stupid. I was holding my phone in my hand because I knew he would call me. He did. My phone rang and I laughed in it and said, "you are a chicken." He said where are you at? Coyly I responded, "Watching you. I can almost hear your debate from here." He laughed then and I told him I would meet him at his truck. He still hesitated. By then I could hardly quit smiling and laughing, my sarcasm was on overdrive in my head. I saw his boots hit the ground and I knew I was in BIG trouble. I came around the truck and we both looked at each other with smiles and I laughed as I and hugged him. We had immediate chemistry. Immediate. I was teasing him to make him comfortable and loving ribbing him for his nerves. We went in and i complimented him and he told me, You don't look too bad yourself. As a matter of fact, can I hug you again?" And that folks, is what we call brownie points. We were seating at our table and didn't talk a whole lot at first. He was just a mess. He now says it was an act, but I can assure you, it wasn't. The lady next to me didn't realize she had reached her limit on wine and started stroking my hair. "Is your hair real?" She asks me if I minded if she touched it as her dirty fingers were literally entangled in my hair. She's laughing and leaning over trying to talk to me so we start laughing at her expense. It was priceless.
 After we ate, he decides the night can't end. We are within a few miles of the theater and we jet over there to watch a movie. I can't remember a thing about it except that he relaxed a bit more. At the end of the night, we both were wishing for more time and less space. He walks me to my car and I get in. He is sitting in his truck at this point. I sit there for a second, talking to myself as I am slowly inching out of my parking spot. You know if you go home now, you will regret not kissing him. We have no idea when we can get together again and even if we have THAT kind of chemistry... Oh goodness, you only live once. No regrets, remember? I pulled on the other side of him. I get out, and he opens his door, which kind of almost ruined my plans. I crooked my finger at him and I had a really serious face on. He's like, what's wrong?! I said, "Are you ready?" His eyes got big as can be and he said, "Are you going to kiss me?!!" I laughed at his face and said, "Yes. I hope you're ready." Well, that was a great ending to a perfect first date and I'm pretty sure fireworks were going off, if not over our heads then in them.
  We talked every day since that night. We have spent evenings under shooting stars. We have spent evenings dealing with emotional children. We've spent time beside our grandparents as they went to Heaven. We have stood beside each other and held each other as we cried over the loss. We have had some very big things to get through. We have dealt with deaths in our families that shook us all to our core. We have had to deal with past hurts, exes and learning to trust ourselves and each other. We have had to learn to balance our lives, kids, exes, church, work and reality all at the same time. I have lived two lives. I have one in Durham and one in Charlotte. I've lived out of a suitcase sine January. I have traveled almost 300 miles every weekend since then. When my kids are with their dad, his kids are just arriving. Sometimes, there have been tears and fears that have clouded our time together. Sometimes there has been personal tough times for both of us that caused us to learn that we have a team member that will help carry the load.
  We discussed getting married and had a date picked out. We have two sets of kids and there has to be allowances made for that in dealing with the exes and the transition. We have been working on giving his house a face-lift in all of this craziness as well. Thursday evening, I had finished my first day of class and he had finished work. It was raining like crazy but we wanted to have a date. We hadn't had a kid free, real date in a while. I got dressed up and had my "real" hair done up like a real, southern movie star and we set out. We ate some amazing food at Firebirds and I laughed until I cried. We were just sitting there and he started being sentimental. He told me he loved me and asked me if I knew that he did. I'm still giggling about what we had been talking about before. I can't ever just say, yes I know you love me, I have to ask why. Bless him. He told me, as he has before, you are what I've always wanted and what I had been looking for. He says, I got something for you. One of my love languages is sarcasm, so I'm still thinking he's teasing and say, you do huh? He pulls out a gorgeous box and I look at him with wide eyes and say,You're serious? I thought you were teasing me. He gets down on his knee and asks me if I will marry him. Mmmmmhhhh. Lemme think... Haha, YES!
  Back it up two weeks, he had everything planned out to come to my house and surprise me. He caught a horrible bug and was down for the count for a long time. Then, that night, it rained. Again, thwarting his plans. I wasn't really expecting it because I knew he had been planning this for a while. Good surprise, for sure!!!
 Ever since I was a girl I wished on every falling star I saw, making wishes on dandelion puffs and eye lashes. I wished for that love, the kind that you can't live without. The kind of love that thousands of books have been written about. The kind of love that lasts forever. It isn't fickle or easy to forget. It is something that you don't just happen upon or fall into but love that you choose. Yes, I was and am very attracted to him, but more than that, my heart and soul has longed for something I didn't think I would find and then, I did. I found it in him. Robby is a rough and rugged type of man. He is kind and genuine. He is an incredible hard worker. He is the man that I trust with my kids. He will be a great example for my kids. He is loving and just as stubborn as I am! We have grown together in our relationship and have become better people because we have known each other.
  June 6, 2015, Robby and I will be having a nighttime wedding and beginning our adventure surrounded by our family and a few friends. We won't be just getting married, we will be blending our families. Jayden and Chloe are very excited that they will have Robby in there lives permanently. Chloe is SO thrilled to have 3 more girls to play with and Jayden is coming to terms with being incredibly outnumbered. We will be a part of an amazing family that has accepted me with open arms. I'm so blessed to have their influence on my children as well.
  I'm so grateful for every prayer, encouraging word and every person that supported me even when all I could do was speak about my hurt. Thank you to my mom and sister that have been my protectors and for loving me through my heartache even when I wasn't lovable. Thank you to my mom and her husband for showing me what a second chance looks like. Our journey didn't even start smoothly but who wants that? "We don't do easy, we do worth it." Apparently, easy isn't something I know anything about. Every bump, mountain and hilltop has made us stronger and I just pray it continues to do so.
 

    Every wish I made, I made for you. I just hadn't met you yet. 

WHEN MY HEART WENT DARK

I am a happy, go lucky person. I always saw the bright side of life. There was nothing a little determination could fix and then... Just a few years ago, my heart was broken. In that time, I was distraught, confused and lost and then...I was angry. I wasn't just angry, I was mad! I was so mad, I saw red. I could feel it from my toes all the way up to the top of my head, even my hair hurt. I felt the injustice of that time. I knew that my well laid out plans with having children with someone to watching them grow up to dancing together at their wedding to babysitting the grandkids were over because of what? Selfishness. Inconsideration. "A tough time." "A bad day." Not only were my dreams shattered but my children's security was gone as well. He had taken so much.

  To say one is mad is one thing, at one point my heart went dark. I felt as if I had not just built a wall but it had bobbed wire on top and if by chance someone got too close or asked about the ex, the venom that spewed from my mouth was something to be reckoned with. Every man was the same. Every man secretly had the heart of the one that hurt me. Every man was punished for his sins. I would date but I would feel myself setting them up to see if they would "take the bait" and prove what I thought in my heart was right. After all, they were just like the one that hurt me. Since I couldn't make him pay, I would make everyone else pay instead. I told myself this wasn't the case, that I was ok but it was the furthest thing from the truth. Everyone else, including me, paid for his sins. I was drinking poison and expecting him to get sick. 

  Everyone that was kind to me HAD to have an ulterior motive. Every church was the same as the one that turned their back on me. Every "friend" was the same as the one that didn't want to associate with me because of what I was going through. I had even cut myself off from my family for a time. I was "protecting" myself. If I was protecting myself, why did it hurt so much and feel so lonely? Oh, I was ok,  but could still feel the anger inside me so strongly that it literally burned. I could speak his name but only through gritted teeth. I could tell "my story" but with more anger than understanding and compassion. My heart was cold and dark. I consistently had a scowl on my face and didn't even know that I did. 

  One day, my son said, "Mom, why are you angry all the time?" I chuckled and said,"I'm not. Why would you say that?" He very seriously looked at me and then wrinkled up his face in a hideous scowl and said, "because your face always looks like this." I felt my face fall. I just stared at him and the first time in ages, I felt tears in my eyes. I AM angry all the time and they are suffering for it. Everyone is suffering for what one person did. I knew my heart was dark. I believed that everyone turned their backs on me and I was suffering an unjust punishment for something that I must have done a long time ago. If God was REALLY a God of love, why would he allow that? What an unfair question but i said it anyway. 

  I took some time and went through the days of my marriage and everything that lead up to that moment but I processed it through different eyes and with a different heart. I allowed myself to be angry but not to stay that way. I allowed myself time to cry but not to continue to cry. I could feel the darkness fighting with the new knowledge that I had and love I wanted to feel. It felt as though I was cutting away at the weeds and briars that had overtaken my "garden" with dull pair of child's scissors. I felt as though I had made some progress and then I would see him again. He would say something hurtful and I would see red. I wanted to take those dull scissors and... Well, I would have to start over. Each time was less and less. I eventually found some "weed killer". I began to open up to my real friends. I shared my story. I learned compassion and how to turn around such a unimaginable situation into a tool to help other people. I still struggle. He says something hurtful or uses the kids as a tool to hurt me and I see red! Again! I stop, take a breath, cry, vent and then I ask for forgiveness for the anger that overtook me for that time and move on. Sometimes it takes longer than others but it always goes away. I refuse to drink the poison and allow that darkness to overtake my heart again. 

  The darkness still looms. It is an ever present feeling. Some days it is almost akin to the feeling you get when you feel someone staring at you. Or someone that is standing near you that you don't see but you feel. Sometimes it doesn't even seem like that was ever a part of my life. It doesn't seem real. If it weren't for the kids, my mind could be convinced it never happened. I realize that once I have seen and felt that darkness, it is something that I will have to be conscious of and know it would be so easy to let it overtake me again. Sometimes the light has to fight the darkness but the light has always won. The light that came into my life was the realization of Gods unconditional love. That love will always overpower anything but it is up to me to allow it to.